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The Script

by storyisking


TW: Brief implication of suicide.

Bliss was intertwined with ignorance, for
I was much happier never knowing
the implications that befell my spoken words.
Now all I wonder:
Is this the best thing to say
or perhaps the worst?

Maybe that is why I love the script so,
the one I crafted in my head
telling me Who I Am and What to Say.
The script you see, is simple.
Simplicity is easy for one to dismiss
but even easier for me to deal with.
For if I wrote an analyses of my individual,
Thought too long of Who I Really Am
And what is the truth?
The ground fifty below would look
so finite, so comforting.

But I lost that script, misplaced
somewhere between "hello" and goodbye."
Now I have to be Original and Me.
Except that girl
(whoever she is)
is so boring,
and no one would like her.


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27 Reviews


Points: 1291
Reviews: 27

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:58 pm
glovegg wrote a review...



Hello, GG to reviewing your poem. : )
I truly loved this one. You brought forth exaggeration with the boldness which I thought was a wonderful idea. Your wording is very good as well and so far, I can find no basic errors (as far as punctuation or capitalization).
The only part I am wondering about is this sentence.

"Except that girl
(whoever she is)
is so boring,
and no one would like her."

I realize that several people feel that they are boring and not a single person would find them suitable enough for liking. Truly, that isn't correct because everyone is interesting in their own ways. Perhaps that is just bringing the view into the poem, and in that case, I can understand that.
I am not an excellent reviewer but I certainly hoped that helped! My favorite sentence was:
"Simplicity is easy for one to dismiss
but even easier for me to deal with."

Keep writing!
GG




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:42 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi storyisking! Niteowl here to give this lovely piece a look-see for Team Dreamwave.

I really like this. It's worded so well and I think a lot of people can relate to the concepts. In fact, most of my comments are nitpicks because I don't have much else to say.

For if I wrote an analyses of my individual,


Analyses should be analysis since it's singular.

The ground fifty below would look
so finite, so comforting.


I feel like a unit after fifty (feet? stories?) would make more sense.

But I lost that script, misplaced
somewhere between "hello" and goodbye."


This is so beautiful and intriguing. It definitely makes me wonder who the speaker talked to and how it led to her losing her script. This could be something to expand on.

Overall, lovely piece, just some minor suggestions. Great job and keep writing! :)




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40 Reviews


Points: 436
Reviews: 40

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:00 am
KittyBee wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this read. It was powerful and intense and beautiful. It left me feeling empty and awkward, which is kind of a cool sensation. The mentality presented in this poem was incredibly powerful, and I think it's what really crowned the piece.

"The ground fifty below would look
so finite, so comforting."

This chunk, in particular, was especially breathtaking. What a powerful statement-- it was astounding. The lucid, uneasy feelings that fluttered through me when reading that were unthinkable. I've never felt so awful and impressed in the same moment.

"But I lost that script, misplaced
somewhere between "hello" and goodbye.""

Another perfectly horrifying, folly chunk. It's beautiful and terrifying. I think it's my favorite part of the piece entirely.

Overall, this was beatifically dreadful. A wonderful mix of sensations to produce an intense, hard read.
One of the best I've read-- angst and all!
Keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:47 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



This is fantastic and I applaud you for having the strength to bring it up out of your feeling and turn it into speaking and writing.

I love especially this line:

I was much happier never knowing
the implications that befell my spoken words.


Because it REALLY and VIVIDLY captures the essence of what it means to grow up. When we grow up, we realize we're not "that girl in the corner that likes to read" or "the boy that's great at football and really cute". We're not the labels we seem to be able to give to everyone else. And when we realize this, we really come into our knowledge of the other human beings in our space as people just the same as we are. This line completely captures that. We wish we could go back to being careless, because it just seemed to easier.

What I want to challenge in this poem is the description of the different kinds of "you". You have the script, which purports "who i am" and "what i say", and I think since they're part of a set script, they should be the only ones with set names. Naming the other potential ways to live ("original" or "me") makes it feel like they're also going to be parts of set scripts, so they have to be named. I don't think that's what you wanted, so I'd explore those ideas more organically than giving them names.

I would also love to see more imagery holding up your message in this poem. You have a plot that moves forward, a philosophy to build on, but you also need imagery to keep the reader anchored while they ponder over everything you present. Vivid imagery can make us feel, evoke emotion, and hit us in our hearts rather than just in our heads.

PM me if you have any questions or comments, please.

Good luck and keep writing!





“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw