z

Young Writers Society



Another notch in the bedpost.

by Adnamarine


Floor 86, Empire State Building, 350 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York.
A famous photographer accidentally took our picture on the observation deck as he
Captured all the glory of the Empire State on a sunny July day. Two other significant
Events happened that day—July 14, 1988:
 
Mike Schmidt passes Mickey Mantle with his 537th HR into 7th place
WYHY radio offers $1M to anyone who can prove Elvis is still alive
 
We had the ballgame playing on a radio in the background and a cold shower running though we
Were so sticky the breeze already felt cold on our skin. Broad daylight and no one was out as if
Even New York was taking a siesta hiding from that unbearable ball of fire turning the sky green.
 
Even though we’re nothing but nude smudges in the photograph, we ran across the poster version on the street with the tiny date scribbled in the corner. Was that the day Mike Schmidt beat out Mickey Mantle, we ask? I’m an artist, not a sports columnist.
I bought it, and a tiny vintage print of Marilyn Monroe.
We reenacted Some Like It Hot too because the temperature made the title so fitting.
 
July 15, 1992 I’m baking bread and Pope John Paul II is hospitalized for 3 weeks to have tumor removed. A postcard from Lost Springs, Wyoming: Still have a wall to rival China’s? I saw it from the moon and it’s still not quite as deep as I remember yours being.
 
He told me, I’m different from other guys. I hope I’m not just another notch on your bedpost.
Then what exactly did you want to be?
I don’t know. I’m good at asking the questions, not answering them.
You’re just another guy. You haven’t proven you’re different.
I just want to make sure you’re ok; I don’t want to hurt you.
You couldn’t.
 
99 degrees, July 14, 1988 and we were 86 floors closer to the sun than the rest of the world.


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84 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:58 pm
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fictionfanatic wrote a review...



I absolutely am head over heels in love with this piece. Everything is so beautifully and deliberately placed and worded and it's magnificent. I think that to some it may be at first confusing, but I also think that once people finally realize what you intended they will love it. Personally it took me only one read to understand and to fall in love with, but I guess it just veries from person to person - maybe depending on what you're used to.

I honestly wish that I could be more help, but I don't see any faults, have any problems, or have any advice other than to keep writing because you definitely have the "It factor", the one that someone has to be born with.

Love,
FictionFanatic




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:33 am
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Juniper wrote a review...



Adna,

I told you before, and I'll tell you again, you have a way with words that strikes me as absolutely beautiful. You tell this story in fragments, but it all ties together perfectly, the way details of an old summer come together in one's head. It's not often I get to say this, but everything here just seems to work, and does so beautifully.

I'm partial to nitpicking, but there's so little to comment on outside of my praise for this that I'll do it anyway;

Even though we’re nothing but nude smudges in the photograph, we ran across the poster version on the street with the tiny date scribbled in the corner.

I had to read this line three times before it finally made sense to me, and twice, I got a different meaning. Originally, I thought the date was scribbled in the corner of the street and not the photograph, because the rule of pronouns attributes the it to the last known noun. The second time, the phrase "tiny date" confused me, because my head keeps telling me it should read as tiny scribbled date to imply that it's a time, and not a tiny dinner these characters are having. :)

In such a short amount of time, you have captured a glory and a heartache, perfectly enough for us to envision and for that, I applaud you. I thoroughly enjoyed this-- it's the sort of poem you want to come back to time and time again because it makes you feel.

Don't stop writing, darling. You're destined for greatness.

xx June




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Sun Jun 16, 2013 6:47 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there!

Wow, this was quite refreshing! It almost doesn't even seem like poetry! The lineation is highly unconventional by anyone's standards and it's free verse with a capital F. That's great!

Okay, I'm going to cut to the chase without my usual neat headers to put everything in different sections, because your poem is too good to waste time on that! I really loved this poem, but there was one problem -- it stopped being about people and started to be about the landscape. For that reason and perhaps some others, the reader tends to lose track of what is going on with the relationship, and ends up confused like me, thinking about radios and New York streets.

I think it would help if you did some form of formatting to the last big stanza, so that readers don't lose track of exactly who is speaking. *Wait! I just realized! Is the guy saying that /he himself/ is different? I was under the impression that this was a homosexual relationship!*
That just highlights the importance of clarity (especially since I only realized this right before I was about to post this)!

I also think that perhaps the second stanza should be clarified -- what is a HR? What sport is this? Just some hint to put other clueless people (like me) back on track!

What is the wall mentioned in the third last stanza?

Great job! You really gave a good tone and sensation to the poem! It's a valuable talent!

barefootrunner




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Wed Jun 12, 2013 6:44 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi Apples!

So I am reviewing this because I love you! :D I think it's horribly sweet and very, very smooth with imagery. You have an excellent sense of honesty and realism in this piece and I think it's so lovely for you to return with something that feels so much. I can imagine the characters and how she is feeling, there is a sense of ache and waiting- I feel like the piece is waiting. I don't know for what, but that's what the ache is for.

I think that the shortness isn't at all a problem, but I think that clarity might be. I'm a little confused about timelines, although that might also be attributed to the odd formatting of your first paragraph? Why have you cut the line breaks that way? I like the conversation and don't think they need attribution or anything in ways of dialogue tags. Mostly I think my sense of time is out an I'm missing a bit of the emotional pull I'd like to have with this, I'd like to feel more connected (maybe I am not because I'm so blahAmerica so you can ignore that).

Thank you for returning and posting this. I wish I were more help.

♥♥





The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White