z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Midnight Bliss

by Sonder


*One night last winter, my friend and I had a crazy teenager thought:
We should go be ninjas. At midnight. Barefoot.
This made sense in our crazy teenage minds, so we did. We pulled on ski masks and ran outside in the snow until we couldn't feel our feet. Here is what it felt like.*


Listen

Hear the Cinderella gong of the clock

Midnight

The moment when tomorrow decides to overthrow the moon's dark reign.

It's time.


We are thieves, shadows in the moonlight

Eyes glinting like stars

We run

Our bare feet silent as a cat's,

Pitter patter, pitter patter

Through the snow.


The raindrops from the clouds above

are wearing their best white dresses,

dancing a midnight waltz through the air.


I can almost hear them sparkle.


We are wisps of smoke,

gliding up and down the silent street.

We leap through the frozen grass,

we dance among the falling stars.


We observe the soft glow of street lamps,

and compare them to the one in Narnia,

a place where time slows, and childhood lasts

forever.


We imagine evil spirits pursuing us,

and we engage them in a historical battle between good and evil,

full of sacrifice and loss.


We use our powers and fly

close to the ground,

so close that we can feel the snow that had already laid on the ground to rest

jump up and embrace us once more.


We enter NeverLand.


We are invincible.


We shape-shift,

and we are ninjas of the night,

ski masks pulled tight

over frozen faces.

We teleport from place to place,

laughing at our enemies' confusion.


We dance in the moonlight.


Our breath clouds the air,

and our toes are blue with cold,

but we do not stop.


In reality,

we are only human,

and in the human world,

miracles and superpowers are rare happenings.


But at this moment,

this pause in time,

when the clock takes a breath,

we can be anything and everything we want to be.


This is the moment for magic.

 


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Sun Jan 24, 2016 5:44 pm
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allyoop says...



Don't mind me just going to read everything you've written after this poem... This was beautiful. Wonderfully worded.

"The raindrops from the clouds above

are wearing their best white dresses,

dancing a midnight waltz through the air."

That was my favorite part of the poem and made my writing senses tingle.




Sonder says...


Thank you! This is a very old poem haha but thanks again! :)



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Sat Mar 07, 2015 9:47 pm
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Corncob wrote a review...



This is so awesome. Before you even started the poem, I had pictures and emotions and chills, but the way you described it really took my breath away. Your imagery is spectacular and each scene is beautifully outlined--I felt like I was there. My only objection:

In reality,

we are only human,

and in the human world,

miracles and superpowers are rare happenings.


We, reading this, as readers in reality, know this. I saw no need for this stanza; in fact, I didn't like it because it brought me out of the beautiful moment you had immersed me in. It almost felt like you were saying, "Okay, I get it, you feel like you're there and this moment is magical, but c'mon, reality check. Magic ain't real so stop imagining and pretending like you were there, okay?" Even in the lines after, I couldn't get back into the feel of it. The last line, admittedly, made me feel like I was there all over again, but that part where I was jolted out of my dream was jarring and unpleasant. Take me back to the snow! D: xP

Anyway, I suggest taking out that stanza completely and adjusting the following stanza to fit like this:
But At this moment,

this pause in time,

when the clock takes a breath,

we can be anything and everything we want to be.


Either way, it's still an amazing piece of art and I really love it. Honestly, I felt like I was reading your diary or something and not in a creepy way xD.
Overall rating: 9.5/10
Keep writing!
+1




Sonder says...


Haha, thanks 1. I'll probably not fix this work because it's older, but thanks for the comments anyway! :)



Corncob says...


Sure, glad to help :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:00 pm
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



I love this!! That was amazing... Just the way you describe things is awesome!! I can see it all in my mind. One, no, two things. when you say "our bare feet silent as a cat's" i would think that you couldn't hear it at all. But then you say, "pitter patter, pitter, patter" that implies that you can hear it... A little confusing. The other thing is the stanzas. I think you split this up weird. Other than that, this is great!! Keep writing!!




Sonder says...


Thanks again!



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Wed Sep 11, 2013 12:55 am
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Messenger wrote a review...



WOW! Man can you write good! This is amazing! Your description, your imagery, your imagination, your description, is SO good.


We imagine evil spirits pursuing us,

and we engage them in a historical battle between good and evil,

full of sacrifice and loss.

I LOVE that section. It fits so perfectly the story that has been going on since the beginning of mankind. You make the ninjas seem like they ARE the night, rather then someone IN the night. This is one of the best poems I have ever read.I just can't gt over your imaginative writing.
KEEP IT UP!




Sonder says...


Thanks again!



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Thu Jul 18, 2013 6:37 pm
SushiSashimi333 says...



I remember this poem! I remember thinking it was really good and that I could actually feel the magic of your words in the air. I still remember that feeling although you read it so long ago, it seems.




Sonder says...


Thank you! :)



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Fri Jul 05, 2013 4:55 am
yubbies21 says...



Ack! What have you done? I'm melting! I'm melting from the sheer awesomeness of this poem!




Sonder says...


Bwahaha! Thank you so much!



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Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:03 pm



i love the feeling in it. it has a mystical, almost a feeling of being alive. it makes me feel like running :) very good job.




Sonder says...


Thank you!



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Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:30 pm
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bigmacloves says...



Oh my gosh, that was the best poem that I have ever read. I love how I can picture everything thats happening. This poem changed my whole mood. I love how the moral of the poem is so true.




Sonder says...


Aw thank you!



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Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:30 am
AngelaDangel says...



HI! I really enjoyed this poem, because I can relate and it really brought me back to my own memories. The description really allowed me to be within the writer's mind, and have the same experiences. I loved it! Please write more!




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Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:01 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Ahoy, Griffin!

I really like a lot of the images in your poem. They're thoughtful and truly convey the feeling of the poem. However, there is a major issue with this poem: It's far too long. In poetry, less is more, and here, your more is making less of an impact. You have some great lines surrounded by unneeded details and mediocre lines. If you extract both of those things from the poem, the remaining poem will be much stronger; think of it as pruning a tree.

What I'm going to do is take the stanzas that I think should remain in the poem and then go over those with you. First, here is the poem with only the stanzas I think you need:

Listen
Hear the Cinderella gong of the clock
Midnight
The moment when tomorrow decides to overthrow the moon's dark reign.
It's time.

The raindrops from the clouds above
are wearing their best white dresses,
dancing a midnight waltz through the air.

I can almost hear them sparkle.

We are wisps of smoke,
gliding up and down the silent street.
We leap through the frozen grass,
we dance among the falling stars.

We observe the soft glow of street lamps,
and compare them to the one in Narnia,
a place where time slows, and childhood lasts
forever.

We are invincible.


See? That version is much shorter, but still gets your point across. Now I'm going to sit in my nitpicking chair and go through this version of the poem to give it that little boost that it still needs.

The moment when tomorrow decides to overthrow the moon's dark reign.

This line is a cliche. It's so cliche that it made me gag. Do we really need to know when midnight is? I don't think so. Don't describe things unnecessarily.

If we take out the line I mentioned above, we have:
Listen
Hear the Cinderella gong of the clock
Midnight
It's time.

I think it would be more effective if you changed the punctuation a little. Punctuation is very important; it can change the whole tone of the poem. Let me show you:
Listen!
Hear the Cinderella gong of the clock:
Midnight.
It's time.

Or you could do this:
Listen;
Hear the Cinderella gong of the clock?
Midnight.
It's time.

I didn't change the words at all, but you felt the tone shift, right? I think you should add more punctuation to that stanza to give it more of the flavor you want it to have.

the raindrops from the clouds above

Omit "above." It really bothered me the first time because I was thinking, "why did this person have to specify where the clouds are? Do clouds hover below them, within the earth, where they live?"

We observe the soft glow of street lamps,
and compare them to the one in Narnia,
a place where time slows, and childhood lasts
forever.

This is your clumsiest stanza, though I really love the meaning. Try to word it more elegantly by making it a little shorter. Here's what I might do with it:
The glow of the streetlamps
seems almost Narnian, and the soft light
washes the snow in slowing time.

(In Narnia, childhood doesn't last forever; Lucy, Edmund, Peter, and Susan grew up to be the kings and queens of Cair Paravel.)

The most important feeling of this poem is youth and invincibility. The way I cut it down focuses on that without being redundant, and keeps the best of your imagery.

I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!




Sonder says...


I agree that this poem is quite long, but I was trying to get every detail from that experience on paper. I wasn't trying to make it poetic, exactly, I was just trying to get my feelings across. In other words, this was for me, for when I am older and I can look at this and remember every magical moment of that night. If I were to enter this in a competition, yes, I would change it to be shorter. Thank you for the feedback, it was very helpful, but I think I may leave it as it is, for my memory's sake. (Oh, and PS, yes, in my mind, clouds are often in the Earth. :) Insanity can cause that.)



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Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:07 am
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Sonder says...



To other people reading this and who are confused, here is some background to this poem.

One night last winter, my friend and I had a crazy teenager thought:
We should go be ninjas. At midnight. Barefoot.

This made sense in our crazy teenage minds, so we did. We pulled on ski masks and ran outside in the snow until we couldn't feel our feet. It was magical, and I was attempting to describe that feeling here.

I know that most people have not done this so this poem can just be enjoyable to read.
Thanks, sorry for any confusion. :)

~GC




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Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:43 am
Andrea2676Marie wrote a review...



Bunches of originality packed into this! Love it, I really do. I enjoyed reading this very much. It is a very creative piece, and I'm glad you decided to share it! You have a very unique style, and I encourage you to keep writing. I honestly look forward to reading more of your work, and as always, good luck to you and your writing.




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Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:34 am
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racket wrote a review...



This is a truly great piece of art. You should be proud. I love the way you make the clock seem human as it "takes a breath". This is a mystery waiting to happen. You could create an epic story line with guidance from this poem. You should enter it for a prize in some competition.
You create the image that you are immortal, that you this land you speak of is a dream. Were you dreaming when you thought of it? Or were you awake, living the poem?
This suspenseful poem brings imagination to life. Wonderful work, Griffinclaw. I applaud you noisily.




Sonder says...


Lol thank you. I applaud noisily back.



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Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:29 am
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi,

I thought this poem was very nicely done. I grew up watching Disney movies and reading Harry Potter and Narnia, so reading this was a nice throwback to my childhood. I think you have a solid, interesting idea - it also sort of makes me think of going to Disney World, or playing games that have incorporated a lot of everything the company has produced over the years, like Epic Mickey and Kingdom Hearts. I'd love to see you continue with and expand upon this.

But I'm not really sure what this poem is supposed to be about. Your imagery is absolutely fantastic, but right now it's just that - imagery. I don't who the narrator is, and who he or she is referring to when they say "we". I don't where they are or if the imagery is literal or figurative. I don't know what their circumstance is and why they make so many references to Disney. Make it mean something. Make me feel something.

Otherwise, you did a really nice job with this. Good luck with your revisions!




racket says...


I completely agree with you. you make wonderful points and I can see how to you this would not make the most of sense. But, fortunately,
I know GriffinClaw and happen to know that this was a true happening. I also know they, and whom the friend this activity was done with, are a little insane and stuck in their imagination at times. However, it does make a your imagination work overtime, does it not? That's one of the many things I like about this poem.



Sonder says...


I wrote some background info above if that helps you at all.
Thanks for the feedback!




*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits