Waiting for the subway
Waiting for a new day
Waiting for my life to start.
.
Concrete stretching both ways
Staring at the railways
I’m slowly ripping apart.
.
Touch my aching ribcage
Flinching at the sharp pain
Coming straight from the heart.
,
Underneath sky gray
Faking that I’m okay
Screams of silence burst my ears.
.
Air of mystery
Unsure what is reality
My dreams are what I fear.
.
Wall of mesh encasing
Exhausted lungs shaking
Smog tendrils abound.
.
Silver paint alluring
Out struggles my yearning
And when I finally come around...
.
“I missed the train.”
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
I really like this. I though the ending was pretty good. From my reading of it, I got the idea that the person is like... sad, I guess. I don't want to say depressed, because that seems a little harsh. I'm not a poet in any form, so I doubt that this will be of much use. But... I dunno, nevermind, I have no idea what I was gonna say, but forget that. xD This is really good, keep writing. I'll keep reading. (Unless I forget how.)
Haha, thanks for the review. I was kinda sad when I wrote this, so yeah.
hey!
this work is nice. i loved this creative work. from starting you developed a suspense which is good. i liked the poetic style. i love the you have set everything in your poem. the relation with non-living things in this poem is also nice.
overall good job.
Thank you!
Okay, let me be clear here: there are probably a billion poems out there about trains. (And subways.) This is not a bad thing, but it also means that you need to search for originality. What is it that sets this poem apart from the rest?
)
I love how it reads as a disconnected series of thoughts; it's an interesting premise. However, nothing really appealed to me about the way you describe heartache. I've felt heartache; probably anyone else reading this has felt it. Therefore you really need to try and capture it in a unique way. I think that
"Touch my aching ribcage
Flinching at the sharp pain"
comes close, really close. But the rest of it falls a little short. (And by heart ache I don't necessarily mean the romantic kind, it could be any kind, I realize that. Just the best word I found for it.
Here's my recommendation: what if you made this a dialogue? By that I don't mean two characters speaking to each other, or even the character speaking between two parts of himself.
What if you contrasted his inner thoughts and emotions with the actions and descriptions of the subway? So in other words, make both his internal musings and the subway (as a character) much stronger. You could switch every stanza or something. Here's an example:
Touch my aching ribcage
Flinching at the sharp pain
Fire in my chest, a knife in my heart (liberties taken there, tried to cut the cliché)
The sky is gray
Like the cold metal
The concrete stretching before me
(Tried to meld bits and pieces of what you wrote together there.)
But the inner monologue could be made more compelling, I think, if you paired it with atmospheric exposition.
Anyway, keep calm and write on!
~ED
Thanks for the tips Dragon. I will take those into account.
Thanks for reading!
You really did end this strangely! XD
Exactly. XD