The strings attached to my mouth are frayed,
Failing from faux-smiling day after day,
Only so many lies can pass bleeding lips,
Only so many truths can a broken mind dismiss...
And when the shrapnel finally rains from the sky,
Only then will I stop and ask myself,
“Why?”
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140,397 Literary Works • 673,155 Reviews
Love this! I love how you ask a question at the end! It really brings the reader to ask themselves questions!
This poem is sadly true for many of us, we fake all our emotions day to day. I love the description you made in the first line.
The rhyme doesn't seem forced and the beat is simple and easy to follow! It's so beautiful in its simplistic nature.
Last review I can do today!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Thanks yubbies!
Hmm, I really like this, but I'm not exactly sure what its supposed to be. I agree with the shrapnel bit, is it supposed to be a metaphor? I'll assume it is. I liked the words you've used in this. My favourite line though is this one;
"Only so many truths can a broken mind dismiss..."
I can really relate to this. I like the rhyming of this, but I do agree with @wewinwelose that the second line sounds a bit off. 'Starting to fail' and 'fake smiling everyday' together sounds like a strange combination and a bit of a tongue-twister. I really like the usage of your last line, "Why?" because it's easy to be identified as many of us can relate to this. I know I do, heh. Anyway, overall I think this is a lovely piece of work, you are a great writer! Keep on writing, I'm looking forward to seeing and reviewing more of your work!
{{ -devigonewild- }}
Thank you! I will try and look into that line.
I'm confused what the ending means. Also all of your poems are about being sad about life. How come? I feel like this is a little short and it doesn't fully hit your topic. It feels incomplete.
I made the ending so that you can decide. When will you look back at life and wonder why it went the way it did?
And to answer your question, I think it's because I really only write poetry when I am sad. It helps me get through it.
Sorry it feels incomplete. Thanks!
I like the beginning here, but I feel like that is all you have: a beginning. I can't connect well enough with this poem without a little more to go on. I love the fourth line down, and I like the idea behind the poem, but I feel like you could elaborate just a bit. Why is there shrapnel? Is it a metaphor for something? Is there anything else I need to know about why it's coming from the sky and not level ground? The rhythm is very good, the only exception being the second line. There are too many syllables and it sounds awkward, I feel that it could be slightly reworded to sound less forced. Maybe try "Worn away from trying to smile, day after day" or "Failing from faux-smiles, day after day." I don't like the use of "fake" in that line, I feel that faux (pronounced "foe," though you probably already know that) or "false" would fit better, though I really like faux. Over all, you are a very talented writer and I really like this work. Keep writing, and never let anyone tell you not to!
Thanks for the input, I will look into that.
this is a really nice poem you have here. I love the imagery you used throughout the entire poem. my favorite line was
"The strings attached to my mouth are frayed,
Starting to fail from fake-smiling day after day"
again, some really nice imagery. There is a lot of emotion conveyed in just the few short lines you wrote. also, i think the last word is probably the most powerful. "why?" is the ultimate question. we all have asked the sky "why?" probably multiple times, so it makes it a poem that is very easy to relate to and identify with.
no complaints here. nice job!
Thank you!