Previously on Final Destination: Wyatt has woken to a party tragedy and runs into a little future problems. Marie and Stevie, partners of Wyatt were murdered. Wyatt's wounded and needs a hospital. Wyatt is a bankers on the second floor and his watch has just been taken by a futuristic man and side kick of a canine who attacked him. Louise, Wyatts' wife, has been having an affair with him for Nicholas. And Wyatt has played the futuristic man and now he's in a rush to get back home and back to 1901 previous months before the futuristic man settles back the dates to its original places to save Stevie and Marie.
Louise hurtles down the steps, with the watch grip tightly in both hands. Wyatt gives Louise a deadly glare as his palms rest upon the watch in her hands. Her jaw clenches up tightly and her eyes lower to his feet. The watch sits like a block in Wyatt's hands and the ticking fills the silence. He finally breaks their silence between each other and peeps his head over the railing of the steps and eyes it menacingly.
Pulling back from his position, he gestures her through the honey arches and into their living room. He spins on the soles of his dress shoes to face Louise, “and?” The depth in his voice continues.
“And what?”
“Get rid of him,”
“Why, he's upstairs? He won't come down.” She stands her grounds and fends for him.
“He's nosy, that's why!” Flames indulges his eyes, “he can't know about this.”
“He won't, promise!” Wyatt had always trusted Louise with his secrets even now. Before Nicholas had met his wife, had slept around with her; multiple times, he did place her somewhere in his heart. Somewhere deep down, behind Marie's shadow. There was a moment in his heart; he remembered telling his secret to Louise in the very room they stood.
Their first kiss, first secret and touch, was in that room. Starring at Louise, he knows he will miss it. Miss the moment they had, shared and almost tried for. Whether the love wasn't real, there were still feelings behind it all. He leans over to her lips and drives his moist lips across hers. Hungrily slipping his tongue between her lips, I am going to miss this, he thinks to himself. Driven and sane by her tasty lips, he pulls away. He exhales, “everything is yours.” He pulls his sleeve over his balled-fist, and wipes his lips.
“Was that it?”
“Is what it?”
“The kiss? All this time, you never showed that you cared and now you do?”
“Pretty much.”
“Well I hate you!” It hurls out her mouth effortlessly. “Take your clock and your money. I can survive on my own.”
“No, you can survive off of Nicholas father's will.”
“That's not fair; I grew up with nothing...” Wyatt rolls his eyes and brushes pass her to his chair. The silly speech of growing and being raised in a whore house. He subdues the thought that he considered an excuse and slender his body down in his chair.
“Louise, I don't care anymore. If you don't want to say to goodbye, better yet kiss me with enthusiasm- No, no. Kiss me with sympathy for my leave, then just get out. Keep Nicholas occupied upstairs until I am gone.”
There was jealously tendering his heart, softening him up for a burning yearn to be wanted by her. It almost hurt him and it made it worse when he thought about it all.
Marie's love affair, Louise rejection, Nicholas in his bed and Wyatt's past coming back from the future? He thought everyone was turning on him and no one's giving him the chance to explain. Louise begins heading for the steps, curving around the railing. Wyatt bows his head in shame and bellows, “Damn it!”
She reaches the first few steps before she calls for him, “Wyatt?”
“What Louise?”
“Just checking if you were still here.” Her lids shut and inhales an awfully heavy amount of air. Wyatt hears the patter of Louise's feet as she stumbles up the stairs. In time the pattering extinguishes and he's left in silence.
Wyatt scuffs himself out of his chair and walks over to the honey arches. The metallic cone-like-watch was still in his hand. The last time he used the device was when Marie needed it for a police report. She used the watch for a get-out-of-jail-free-card. He had remembered Marie as one of the most beautiful African he had ever seen. With breast boosted for subduction. Wrapped in fashionable corset, her waist whittled and bosom curves.
There were golden swirls on the sides of her corset. It was decorated in rich brown and blushed. Black string laced up her back and four garter belt loops over lapped by her nappy thick locks. The hair had draped to her elbows and had sexy slim chestnut colored lips.
Wyatt pushes the thought aside and kneels beneath the arches. He fiddles with the watch, till he's sure he's ready for this. He'd never done this alone for Stevie or Marie was always there. He sits the clock up right, where it's point sits on the flooring. He forcefully twist his wrist and the metallic watch begins to spin.
Round and round the clock spins, Wyatt feels he's in a trance. The swirling of the shimmering metal, reflecting from the flames from behind, dances. The hands from the clock spins counter clockwise and a storm rises. Wild winds violently crash the living room, the wild winds resembling a sea by its blue hue. The wild wind spins like a cyclone and papers begin flying around Wyatt.
I am ready, he whispers to himself.
The swirling wind is already here, it just needed some time to form its original state. The cone like cyclone morphs into a two-dimensional steaming smoke. Wyatt kneels and reaches for the metallic watch. When he takes the watch from under the swirling vortex, he has five minutes to get through and out the time portal. He evens his breathing.
I am ready, he calls.
Wyatt yells, “1901 Connecticut, Billingsgate Road 198!” He pushes forward, charging through the steaming smoke. His legs yearn and his breathing's hard. The pealing of his skin begins to redden, as if being waxed when smoke comes in contact with his skin. His dress shirt starts draping to his waist while the smoke's roasting his clothes.
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Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
Okay, I really like this chapter of your story.
I honestly haven't read the beginning to here, but I can tell a lot has happened in each of the chapters you posted on here.
Time for nitpicks:
Starring - Staring - - - You sort of misspelled that word in one of the sentences, so I am just pointing that out to you.
When it comes to dialogue, you have to make sure you capitalize the beginning of each dialogue when a character speaks.
Other than that, you had something going on so far.
My only suggestion is to keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more. c:
You have great ideas bouncing around in your head, no doubt about that. I love your writing style. There are only a few things I need to point out, and most of it's grammar. I don't know how to do quotes (sorry) But I hope that I'm not too confusing.
"Her jaw clenches up tightly and her eyes lowers to his feet."
This is a problem with the subject-verb agreement. "...her eyes lowers"... You have two plurals: eyes and lowers. To correct this, make only one plural. It can end in, "...her eyes lower..." OR "...her eye lowers...". I think you might want to go with the first one, unless Louise is a Cyclops.
“he can't know about
this.”
This is a new sentence, so you might want to capitalize the H in "He". Also, I think you might have accidently pressed Enter instead of the space bar when you finished the word "about". Just click in front of "this" and backspace once, then space once. That should clear it up.
"Somewhere deep down, behind Marie's shadow. There was a moment in his heart, he remembered telling his secret to Louise in the very room they stood."
Two things: First: The first sentence is a fragment. I don't know if you meant to do that, but it all comes down to writing style. If you want to keep it, you can. It would still be acceptable. Two: On the second sentence, you could replace the comma with a semicolon or a transitional word such as "when" or "where".
"Whether the love wasn't real, there was still feelings behind it all."
I think the sentence should go "...there [were] still feelings behind it all." This is your story though. If you like it, keep it.
"Hungrily slipping his tongue between her lips. I am going to miss this, he thinks to himself."
The first sentence is a fragment. It would work better if you swapped it around and smashed the two sentences together. "Hungrily slipping his tongue between her lips, he thinks to himself, I am going to miss this."
"Take your clock, your money. Because I can survive on my own.”
Another fragment. "Take your clock and your money! I can survive on my own!" OR if you really like the word "because": "Take your clock and your money, because I can survive on my own!"
“That's not fair, I grew up with nothing...”
Turn the comma into a semicolon.
"The silly speech of growing and being raised in a whore house."
Fragment.
"Marie's love affair and now Louise rejection. Nicholas in his bed and Wyatt's past coming back from the future?"
Two beautiful fragments. I can see how they can work as fragments, but if you make them whole sentences, they 'flow' better.
"The metallic cone-like-watch still in his hand."
It might go better as "The metallic cone-like-watch [was] still in his hand."
"He had remember Marie..."
*remembered
"He'd never done this alone, Stevie or Marie was always there."
Add a semicolon in place of the comma, or you can substitute the word for "for".
"Wild winds violently crash the living room, the wild winds resembling a sea by it's blue hue."
If you loosen the conjunction, it would say, "Wild winds violently crash the living room, the wild winds resembling a sea by it is blue hue." You need to swap out "it's" for its.
Overall, it is a good chapter 7. I look forward to reading the rest!
good advice, thank you