If all the trees in the earth were pens, and if the sea eked out by seven seas more were ink, the Words of God could not be written out unto their end.
—The Quran, XXXI, verse 27, with which I shall officially begin NaPo.
~we are the besieged~
it begins with the fluttering and the shuttering of eyes, of flimsy membrane dyed red against the heat—and the realisation that not all is as it seems.
you are an empty house in afternoon lethargy, with flies buzzing at the shutters and the wind halting when the sun never does. an overused proverb is knocking at your door.
but
was it a dream or was it a dreaming? or was it an easy lie? the climax is uprooted with the hoisting open of windows with sun ray sticks
(but never tearing the membrane apart).
you are a house buzzing with dust and fatigue, walls in a glass case full of sunlight. you are a house and the windows are open; your eyes are a laze in the bright light, trying to make out the whirring of a grease-covered fan amidst the chaos of noon. a prisoner, a fly entangled in moth-eaten covers. you register dimly the knocking
of a proverb at your door; liars are only proactive at noonday.
this is a secret, between you and the ceiling, and the skele-tins in your cupboard—so please listen. listen like the wind has forgotten to rap against your window tonight, like he has forgotten your name, and the sky's name, and the names of why&how&when. listen like the wind listens, on an empty, vacuum-filled night.
and please—lock the door; i do not care for the way, the wind and his cronies barge in without warning and listen to all i say—even with bated breath, in whispers, mouth pressed against the rim of my eleventh cup of tea.
(i have begun to suspect that the wind is attila.)
and because this is a secret, you must promise that you will not tell the ghosts in the attic, or the moths, crushed between old paperbacks, of what i have said. you must promise, because what originates in the attic is not very likely to remain there.
(close the windows. close the doors. and listen to the voices in the cupboard where i have soaked the bones of my skeletons in bleach, and rubbed the dirt off their skulls with sandpaper.)
and ignore the wind; i have begun to suspect that it is with him the gossip vine begins.
I have spent far too many nights writing empty sonnets to an emptier sky-- without heart, and planting lackadaisies in a concrete garden, where the outgrowth is tangential.
Too many nights--too much poetry to be swept off the desktop and burnt on the stove; to be drowned in the sink; to be left on your doorstep to make incense-sticks with.
I never took advanced maths in school, but I can tell 1:42 is important—after moping? After mourning? At most?—a.m. And the A.C talks in its sleep, like it is remembering summers of long ago—times I can barely recall, even as I sit staring at the walls and willing their off-course-white to empower me. (When I was a child, I thought the A.C was magic.)
I am filled with regret, most nights, some days acceptance—regrettance?—and worry. The saucer clatters every time I adjust the lamplight, the water in the glass creating ripples against its rim. (When I was younger, I called them rimmles.)
Sometimes, I take a piece of paper, try to draw a memory on its surface—capturing hyperbolic remains, and the lackadaisy of a flower-bed that is always wandering, and refuses to sit still long enough for me to see its face. (When I was younger, I hated weed-veils in concrete porches,
and I still do.)
So I take up a paintbrush, a pencil, garden shears, and an empty heart, to sit staring at the glassy eyes of a window that is blessed to worry about nothing.
(to sit staring at galactic stations heading up towards oblivion.)
you have my sincerest apologies for all the times i have left my heart strung on the wire line at your doorstep. it must be a highly disconcerting sight to find a desiccated four-valved lump swinging above your head: venae-cavae almost touching your hairline.
i am sorry for not removing it sooner. it was a mistake—and i didn't mean to do it.
(i would appreciate it if you didn't file a complaint; i am aware that the transmission lines are reserved for pigeons only.)
Last edited by Pompadour on Mon Apr 06, 2015 4:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
lines of taffetta swinging across the sky: i have lined my window—and yours too—with patchwork clouds (to kiss you awake every panic attack).
but that is my patchwork, and it is untrue, and have you noticed—
the sun breaks open on your horizon every day, yolk dribbling down embroidered skylines like pre-destiny, cumulonimbus dismembering the sun like a thousand tears caught in a spider's web. (dismembering sun yolks like the earthen bowls are home to neon-blue cake mix.)
and below—the trees outside your front door have caught fire—their foliagery flickers with the sky as it pirrouettes a display (of dancing peacocks and nylon-fibre ballet).
this is only for you, i swear, only for the faces and the hearts and the souls and the minds and the breasts that are willing to crack open like the daybreak
to wonderment that is you, that is i, that is vastness and infinity.)
dreary mornings taste like turpentine against my lips, but that is what i have been drinking, and i cannot stop—i've forgotten how to stop—for the bleariness of a new day, of a new power-thrum, of footsteps against a path that has grown weary, forever dressed in mourning colours. but the tarmac doesn't complain to being trodden upon and i decided a long time ago that neither would i.
ii~
i've discovered that there is a place in my head where i can hide and pretend i am dreaming, where i can pretend there is more to me than canvassing these streets. but you knocked the pretence out of me with your white lies and daring glances; you knocked me out of my bloody heart and i can't hide there anymore for fear you'll come back someday to haunt me. but more: there is a sea growing inside me like the universe unfolding, i call it my lochness—on good days it is despair. there is a sea unfolding inside me and sometimes i want to reach inside me and tuck in the edges, because i am afraid some day it will peek out of my skin and i will drown.
i cannot moor my boat with paintbrushes and i feel like i've lost myself in me.
iii~
my skin is coiling up like a spiralling waterfall; i have become a cyclone, stampeding park benches beneath me and staring at the moon and wishing, wishing, wishing for a world that has never been mine. i wish for an iron to smooth the creases out of this sea, but i can feel the tide growing desolate and uneven.
it is not the rain beating down on my roof tonight that makes me wonder if the clouds ever tire of writing the same lonely song, or if the clappers in the sky's grand organ ever decide to just stop while the clouds are lyricking. i never stop to wonder if the sky ever grows depressed, if its heart feels heavy at the end of every week.
but the soft sobbing of the woman by the wayside, with limpid eyes, and straggly hair, and the vigil-keeping umbrella shakes me out of my stupor.
sometimes, i wonder what kind of story she is writing, and if the ground is serving well as paper.
the sky has been asking me to draw parallels these days; last I heard, it still prefers the ground as parchment.
Yesterday, we went for a walk twice a circuit around the park and up the hill, to contemplate what the meaning of Us is.
We figured it was far too hard to understand, so we laughed and walked on (and prayed silently, fervently, in our hearts for Help).
('Doesn't the world seem to have stopped tonight, in its tracks, like it is waiting for something to happen? It's like there is a storm heading our way, but I think—')
i lit a flame inside a jam jar for you, with a whiff of rosemary—the fickle flower— and raat ki raani, which has always been my favourite, if never yours.
but is it my fault that cestrum nocturnum isn't even half as beautiful sounding a name? (you have often told me that a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but your psychological inclinations suggest otherwise.)
i am still hopeful, you know, despite all the times you have blown the fire out of the jars i leave by your bedstead. i am still hopeful, and naïve, and willing to spare your half-a-heart.
but it is hard sometimes, because the flames with their attempts at self-exile—licking at the glass walls bear such a likeness to your insanity.
spare me your half-hearted ability to love; i know enough to understand that no amount of fire can heal a coiled septum once it has turned.
poetry asleep on your television set like a cat like a warning sign sigh sighs buzzing with radioactive toxins and shuddering breaths
poetry curled up against your ribs to keep you warm when the radiator won't work refuses to work when the fan is greasy with tiredness and the chairs do not wish to be sat upon
poetry like a wild animal soothing the night to fall asleep to give way like a brick wall with demolishing needs
poetry demolishing hearts and reminding us these are just words on a screen on paper on rock breaking hearts and creating tremors since human endeavours to reflect life
i was told, when everything began to landslide, that my beginnings are abrupt, and the middles dragging on, and that i ought not to uproot myself so catastrophically,
because tomorrow never knows, and the gravel does not require an excuse to tear at your feet.
it was just one of many mishaps that bookmark stagnant evenings when the sky is bearing down on you like a furnace. i was told that i ought not to drink ash, or taste rock, but how am i supposed to understand the difference between stalactites and stalagmites if i don't?
(a notice unfolds on the rock: tasmanian devil missing, please contact your torn soles if found.)
Moon, don't follow me home, please, do not track me with your gaze. Let me hide in my closet, shuttered down, blinds folded around me—please let me write about love, and war, and warm homes, and something along those lines (to keep me coldhearted and innocuous another night, just another night, another— another again).
But please, Moon, don't follow me home.
I am filled with uneasiness—never ease— when I see you parked beyond my lamppost.
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