I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

There was silence for a second, and then Valeri heard the faint snick of the door unlocking. They pulled open the door, and Dawn exclaimed, “Awesome! I love your ability, Vendetta!”

Vendetta flushed. "Uh, thank you. I didn't think that would work."

Dawn spun in a celebratory circle. "You can control anything you please!"

"As long as your eyes don't get tired." Dusk peered at Vendetta. "Constant puppy-dog eyes can't be healthy."

Dawn snorted. "Like you would know! You don't even have eyes."

"I'm not going to do it constantly! I don't want to control people forever." Vendetta crossed their arms, pouting.

"Good, good." Dusk glowed purple. "There was that one hero who had mind control and used it all the time..." The bow shuddered. "Man, that was messed up."

Suddenly, Valeri's stomach rumbled and she blushed. "I guess turning into a giant hamster makes me hungry...? Ahaha. Let's look for breakfast!" They pulled out the bag from the trunk.

Vendetta looked through the bag. "I see sausage, a portable campfire kit, and some bread."

Dawn sighed. "Fire-roasted sausage. How I wish I could eat."

"Oh, not this again!"

Dawn bobbed up and down. "Just saying!"

Valeri laughed and started assembling the campfire kit. "Are there skewers for the sausages?"

Vendetta pulled out a couple of wooden skewers. "Right here!"

They handed them off to them.

"Okay, so we just roast them like this, right?" Valeri poked a skewer through the center of one sausage and held it over the campfire.

Vendetta nodded and sat beside Valeri. "I'd assume so." They grabbed a skewer and started roasting their own sausage. "It's a beautiful morning."

"It is. There’s sun, blue sky, bright pink pigeons... wait. Pigeons?" Valeri stared at the birds that were quickly bearing down upon them. They stopped roasting their sausage.

The first pigeon squawked aggressively and released some droppings that Valeri barely avoided. The second pigeon dropped a letter that Valeri couldn’t avoid.

Vendetta picked up the letter. “It’s from Joe.”

They showed the envelope to Valeri, “Josephinzo the Great” scrawled across it in big, swooping letters.

Dusk scoffed. “I think he’s compensating.”

“Ugh. I really don’t want to open this. Can we chuck it in the trash?” Valeri scowled at the letter.

Unfortunately, the letter popped open by itself. A mini holographic Joe appeared in the air, wearing a robe covered in gold threads and jeweled galaxies. He flourished his arms dramatically.

Vendetta groaned. “We don’t want to talk to you!”

Joe crossed his arms. “Well, someone has to put you in your place.”

Vendetta raised their fist to crush the letter.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Joe the hologram flickered a few inches to the right. "And after all I've done for you?"

"You've done absolutely nothing for us," Valeri growled. "Actually, you've done negative something."

Joe smiled patronizingly. "Well, don't get all worked up; I'll be going soon. I just wanted to give you a little piece of advice first. Think of it as a generous gift from the greatest wizard in the universe!"