whence

thank you all (Especially Colleen :) ) for the wonderful critiques. I'll get an edit out as soon as I can.

and perhaps you should be prepared to receive any and all criticism gracefully before posting your work on a literary site. You're as tactless as this piece, and seemingly just ...

oh yeah, as a note: The title isn't meant to insult Mormons whatsoever. It's referring to the Donner party (as is the alternative title type thing)

ok, thanks a whole friggin' lot Claw. I did some fairly major edits, but I still need to cut out about 250 words.

Yes Claw, but isn't still legit? [w/o brackets, that is] Well, it's a bit less clear, and it changes the meaning a bit; but I hoped it worked. And yes, ...

Stanza two seems overdone. Or something... idk. But the actual events are well-done and concrete... I think what it could be lacking are literary devices. Well, at least I think ...

gah... poetry doesn't have to have any kind of strict structure. It doesn't have to rhyme. It does, however, have to flow

Oy! To clear things up, I'll briefly explain what an acrostic is. It's a poem where the subject is spelt out by the first letter of each line. So simply ...

Ok, this has been re-edited. Second half of S3, really.

I'll just add this-- to be fair, any of you could've read the subtitle to gather an idea of what this might be about. And Kylan, it was rated R. ...

again and pain don't really rhyme, and that threw it off. Also, some of the lines were clear-cut cliches, which really butchered it for me. And the chorus seems too ...

^why not put both? It's still honest constructive criticism either way. It's not like this is a gallery, where we all come to show off. We come here for help ...

ok, I'll do another edit when I get home [imma be leaving in a mo'], but I just thought I'd clear up some points. Disambiguation time! *(I know a poem ...

gah. Preaching + Poetry = Not good. you're scolding the reader. That's not cool. Also, it means that throughout this entire piece you're telling us what's going on. Instead, show ...

was this even meant as an essay? Because as it is now, it's more along the lines of 'structureless rant'. Good luck with the revise, ~Ed