I smoke you
and my tongue
tingles from your piss.
I drink your words
from their source;
I am the whirling delirious.
Strung up and hollow you lay.
My bow glides, vibrating you—
you moan in dismay.
Higher and faster I go,
you begin to wail and to scream.
Delirious we both—all has become dream.
Two bees that spin silver
honey come, come together
and drench you in
sticky sweet nectar
that spurts from the depth of my comb.
A canvas painted.
A deed done.
Two formed one--
split now, and one tainted.
The other
has fainted.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Well. It's not like I haven't read something like this before. Note in poetry form but...So, I'm going to be completely honest and said I liked it.
It was very beautiful in the whole sense and was displayed very well. It was almost like your imagery wasn't really imagery, but you quite literally painted a picture with just words.
1.I smoke you
and my tongue
tingles from your piss.
**I would say that here it took me off guard a little. Like the beginning of something as this should be a little more graceful instead of abrupt to ease the readers into the mood of your poem. Otherwise everything was displayed nicely.
Great job on this!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I actually think this was a rather clever piece comparing two subjects, both involving such emotion. The subject matter didn't really phase me, and I had to read it a couple of times to get it all-it made me think. Nice job, I say.
I agree with you in that a piece should be judged by its merit and not its subject matter, but I don't think this was well done. There's a difference between writing a piece about sex (or sex in relation to music, to put it in your terms) for shock value and writing a piece about sex because the subject is legitimate.
I think it's a neat idea to compare the music stuff to sex, but it could be better done.
Metaphor. It may have been a better idea to begin with the music--playing cello?--and then transition to the sex metaphor. I'd also like to see "you" cleared up, as "you" seems to refer to both the cello and the sex partner. If this was intended, it's awkward. If it was not intended, it's vague.
It also seems like there could be too much going on...I really like the bee idea, but it might be a bit much squashed into this poem with the cello as well.
Transition. The transitions between stanzas are crude and awkward. Each seems to be fighting for the reader's approval and none of them get along very well. Each stanza has a different mood, tone, even rhythm, and the transitions between the stanzas are jerky. It might be a good idea to take each one by itself and develop them separately.
-Colleen
I'm taking your squirming as a compliment.
That made me squirm...
*shudders*
*I shall never read R rated poem again without seriously thinking about it*
Not my cup of tea...
That was... erm... different.... but to be fair, I should have been warned by the rating and the subtitle...
As long as I'm still telling you what I think, what I really didn't like about this poem (personally, as opposed to critically) was it had an air of crudeness, especially in the first stanza. But like I said, that's just my opinion.
I as well don't see many musical parallels outside of the second stanza, and I often find musical parallels where there aren't any to begin with ^_^ There seem to be so many image patterns (bees/music/art); I wonder if it could be stronger if you picked one and used it throughout.
Well, maybe it was clear to you as the author. The only hint of musicality in your poem - to my knowledge - is the mention of the "bows". I didn't make the opposite connection in this poem because I wanted to but because out of the musical/sex combination, sex was the most emphasized. Now that I see the hidden musical ambiguity, the poem is much more clever and less carnal. Congrats.
However, there is one thing I don't understand: Why do people get so defensive over a critique of there work!? I simply gave my truthful opinion, and then everyone went for my jugular. If you don't want an opinion, don't post your work. You don't need to slap me in the face by saying, "Why would you read a poem about anything". Jeez, it was just how I felt about the poem. I love poetry. But I don't need to love the topics.
Ummm... If we say it's not our type of poetry, then it's not our type of poetry. By reading on, we were giving you respect as a fellow writer. I read on because of your beautiful imagery. We're not lying to you. And what's with the brainwashing. Hate to tell ya, but I'm not "repressing" anything. I know it's hard to believe, but I wasn't turned on by your description of sex.
Anyways, like I said, you have a wonderful writing style...
-Kylan
Thank you all for reading.
Firstly Kylan, Why would you read a poem about anything?
The poem was clearly about my musical endeavers being compared to sex. You made the opposite connection because you wanted to.
Everyone, let us remember, "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all."--Wilde. What you do to attribute good or evil things with a piece of writing, or anything for that matter, all happens inside your head. You do it. Not I, nor the words.
Thank you all for the delirious misspell. And thank you Instant Martyrdom! for the defending:
Yes, obviously if you read this poem after seeing that is was rated R and had the word 'sex' in the theme/topic area, than you knew what you were getting into. And the fact that you did read on means that it is exactly your sort of poetry. Do not deny it from your desires, do not repress anything.
I have also seperated the 'Delirious we both..' part more and made it more understandable.
Let me know your thoughts.
This was, ah... not my type of poetry either.
... This, Till? This almost makes Rein Raus look half clean and innocent. @_@ XD
Good luck on it, in any event. As Kylan said, the writing itself is not at fault, but the topic may be a bit... off... I would go for something with a little less shock value and a little more poetry to its name.
Not my type of poem but I'm attempting to read a variety... The imagery is nice and it reminds me of some of Donne's work. You might want to check it out. His is often more subtle but it's along the same lines. I'd check the spelling of delerious. You've spelt it differently twice so at least one must be wrong but I'm not sure how it compares to the english spelling of the word... Other than that, your grammar and spelling are good and you just need to find the right audience.
I'll just add this-- to be fair, any of you could've read the subtitle to gather an idea of what this might be about. And Kylan, it was rated R.
[/defending]
I can kiss my virgin eyes goodbye....
Hmmm... Lovely imagery. Good metaphors, similes. However, why would I want to read a poem about sex? It seems to me you have a very small targeted audience. Like I said, you can write beautiful poetry, but your topics leave a lot to be desired.
Write about something else, neh?
-Kylan
I think you could be a bit more ambiguous with this and still pull it off. In fact, I think it could add a lot. However, nix the rhymes. Wording in this line: "Delerious we both-all has become dream." is grammatically incorrect [I'm pretty sure, anyway]. Oh, and do a spell check before you post; little mistakes lend to the thinking that you don't care about your piece, and then critiquers won't care either.
Maybe try your hand at something more... accessible? XD
~Ed
Oh dear... I just felt like I read erotica in poetry form X_X
I suppose it is good but... *dies* That's like reading really graphic Rammstein lyrics, without having to bother with translation.
All I really have to say, is thank goodness that this is R rated, but could you put a disclaimer at the beginning anyway? Some people read despite the ratings, and it would only be nice to prepare people for this kind of thing.
Wasn't exactly my kind of poetry.