Children

The death of a child is long forgotten,
When their death is planned years ahead.
Taken form the world,
As prisoners of pain and suffering.
Who can say they disserve what they have gone through
For the choice was not theirs.
It is are own fault
We are the ones to blame for such cruelty
It is not up to us to decide whether they should live or die
No one can ever disserve such a fait
Not even those who have done such wrong
For nothing can be bad enough to disserve a fait like death.
Such innocence
Their cold eyes asking the question “why”
Why did you do this?
Why me?
Why you?
Why now?
Can you answer these?
Can you truly answer honestly?
Can you look them in the eyes and tell only the truth?
For the truth is the least you can give
For the truth is all they ask of
For the truth can set both free
But the truth can never cover what wrong you have done.
Can they forgive for the betrayal?
Can they ever love you again?
These questions are difficult to answer
But a good soul always forgives
A good soul will never stop loving.
A good soul will always have a place in the heavens.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:48 am

This is what we call a rant. That is, it goes on and on about the abuse of children and everything but... it's not really poetry.

First of all, poetry is done in as few words as possible. This is done by using metaphors and similes to convey your meaning. For instance, instead of just talking about abuse, you might give an image of a butterfly being crushed, for example. This makes the poem prettier and lends it to be interpreted in many different ways to not just encompass your rant about child abuse but of life itself. Because, in the end, child abuse is only a small fragment of life. Cover all of life in as few words as possible and then you might have a poem.

Hope that helps.

User avatar
She Writes
Review

This is not too great...I am sorry if that sounded rude. :( But really, like everyone says, typos and puntuation are very nessicary. It seemed like you didn't put any work into it, and who would want to take the time to read something that didn't matter? I sure wouldn't. As Kitty and Claudette said, it was filled with typos and errors. Try SpellCheck or something maybe.
Like Whence said, you scolded the reader--not a good thing. You sounded a tad bit like a preacher...not good, either.

Keep trying.

User avatar
whence
Comment

gah. Preaching + Poetry = Not good.

you're scolding the reader. That's not cool. Also, it means that throughout this entire piece you're telling us what's going on. Instead, show us what's happening.

User avatar
Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review · Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:22 pm

Kitty caught the typos...

You seriously need to punctuate, btw. Poetry & Punctuation.

Reminded me a lot of the song Hell is for Children.

Doesn't really make for a good poem though? You just listed stuff. Grocery list of depression and pain . . . but makes for a boring poem.

We need to feel/relate to the poem. What is actually happening? Who is this happening to? Why should I even care? (Okay, yeah, it is a sad topic, but still... If you can't relate, you don't care.) People read poems to feel something, so you have to make the reader feeling. This article might help: Emotional Poetry.

Other than that, I just suggest you read poetry... That will help you the most. Read poems on the forum, the critiques given. What's good, what isn't? Try to emulate. Read published poems. Just... everything.

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:14 pm

The death of a child is long forgotten,
When their death is planned years ahead.
Taken form the world,
As prisoners of pain and suffering.
Who can say they deserve what they have gone through
For the choice was not theirs.
It is our own fault
We are the ones to blame for such cruelty
It is not up to us to decide whether they should live or die
No one can ever deserve such a fate
Not even those who have done such wrong
For nothing can be bad enough to deserve a fate like death.
Such innocence
Their cold eyes asking the question “why”
Why did you do this?
Why me?
Why you?
Why now?
Can you answer these?
Can you truly answer honestly?
Can you look them in the eyes and tell only the truth?
For the truth is the least you can give
For the truth is all they ask of you
For the truth can set both free
But the truth can never cover what wrong you have done.
Can they forgive for the betrayal?
Can they ever love you again?
These questions are difficult to answer
But a good soul always forgives
A good soul will never stop loving.
A good soul will always have a place in the heavens.

______________________
Other than that, it was a little unoriginal and predictable and perhaps you should seperate it into stanzas. Also, the repetition doesn't really work but it's quite interesting and I was intrigued by the beginning, just don't let it go so far off the subject.



When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel