cvandoren1

"Harry could not believe his ears the woman Minerva McGonagall was looking for him." *You could rephrase this like 'Harry couldn't believe it when he heard the woman Minerva Mcgonagall ...

"Do you sleep you sleep curled up in your sweatshirt the way I do?" *just take out that second "you sleep" "Does it comfort you the way it comforts you?" ...

"I am from totally failing to do cartwheels And totally completing puzzles" *unless this was intentional, I would come up with a synonym for the second "totally" I could only ...

"Talk to me!" She begged." *You could add a "please" in front of talk to me; since she is, after all, begging. And also don't capitalize "she". ""Come on, get ...

under her breath:“You’ve got the mental part right. *under her breath. "You've got the mental part right." "In boring free period in library." *I would reword this. "with glasses sat ...

"Thought had too complex thoughts before," *I think you need to reword this because I have no idea what you are trying to say here . . . "Unless become ...

"Servants grinding grain " *I would add in "who were" after servants "She noticed Oni had put out the incense fires and piled all the idols in a corner of ...

During dialogue, you use a ' at the beginning of the sentence and then a " at the end. I don't know why you do that . . . ‘But ...

First things first, I believe that you could try and shorten some of your sentences. Sometimes they go on for too long and I get lost in what you are ...

Hello! I have just a few minor things I would like to point out that you could change if you would prefer. *and her bright blonde contrasted beautifully- Should there ...

Hello! Here are a few minor things I suggest you change: but that’s not a thing,- I don't know why, but how you use the word "thing" doesn't really fit, ...

I have found only one grammar mistake: It was hard to believe there was such things -change was to were Overall, this is really good. You might want to tell ...

This is really good, but here are a few minor mistakes you can easily take care of: My mother had died when giving birth to me, and my father was ...

This is really good, but there are a few easy grammar mistakes here that you can fix! Thru my tears I looked around and noticed everyone was crying. Thru can ...

This is really good and well written. Here are a few grammar mistakes: and one of the picture was of me- and one of the picture(s) was me face at ...