The Dead Will Live

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm....well this was quite a mysterious little story, we don't realize our character here is some sort of ghost or spirit till the very end, and it really does build up a decent amount of tension there towards, although towards the middle, that little memory may have made things a touch dicey on that account.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I don't know how long it took me to figure out what happened to me. Even now it seems a bit like a jigsaw puzzle with a whole bunch of missing pieces.

When I first heard my name and saw my face on the news, I knew something was wrong. I sat there in awestruck horror.

They were showing pictures of about fifteen people and one of the pictures was of me. It showed my face at my sixteenth birthday -and god- I looked so happy.

I was practically glowing that day... My cheeks had hurt at the end of the day from all the laughing, smiling and happy talking.

That day was when I had met my first true love. He is my older brother's best friend, and had been for quite a while, but I naturally steered clear of anything that had to do with my brother. I had been refilling my punch glass when my eyes had fallen upon his glorious figure. Ah- that was a good day. We just clicked, we related to each other so closely.

When I saw myself on the TV, I had been so elated about it, but that was before I heard why I was on there... I was on there because I was a victim of a massive shooting.

I was lying there on the ground, alongside some other people and my true love, Jake, was lying there with blood running down his shoulder and he was holding my head and bawling. His face was dirty and the whole scene was depressing. Some other people were kneeling by someone not even doing anything. They were just in complete shock.

That is when I realized it.

I was dead.

I must say, this is an excellent chapter. It was short and grabbing, and now I know that the perspective of the rest of the story will be a compellingly strange one. This would work well for a prologue, by the way.

So while reading, I had a notepad on my screen to jot down notes. I didn't find many errors to advise you to fix. The piece is really very good.

A minor glitch here - "When I first heard my name and face on the news..." I'm not sure if you really meant that your character heard her face.

"Awestruck" - nice word here - very dramatic.

Maybe it's the font this page uses, if so ignore, but I think most of those hyphens you have should be dashes.}

Yeah so I am looking forward to reading more of this really soon. The title fits well with this chapter. I wonder what happens next!

Hey, Asteria here to review!

The first thing that I noticed was what felt like a contradiction. In the first few sentences, you wrote about how they were confused, staring in awestruck horror and knew something was wrong. Further down, however, they're elated to see themselves on television only to realize then that it was a shooting. I suppose my biggest issue with this was how the first part read. It read as though it were a realization that, while it felt like it may have taken a moment, wasn't too long a process; The second portion just felt like it went in complete opposition to what you'd only just set up.

I do like how you described how the character felt on their sixteenth birthday, how you took the opportunity to use it as almost a flashback. The feeling that was brought forth from the visual of them smiling and laughing, cheeks aching (which is a familiar feeling to all, and relatable), it made it feel more real...like the realization of the oncoming horror hadn't quite struck yet as they were lost in their mind's wanderings.

Then you brought in the first love. Everyone remembers their first love (or most do; I know I do). So, when it was said that there was a shooting, that he'd been hit and was crying over her dead body...it felt more profound.

All in all, I thought the piece was extremely well written! This piece is one I'd happily recommend for others to read without hesitation.

Job well done.

This is really good and well written.

Here are a few grammar mistakes:
and one of the picture was of me- and one of the picture(s) was me
face at my- face (on) my
that day... My cheeks- I'm pretty sure that "my" shouldn't be capitalized

Also, I think you could try and do a little more explaining. Like it doesn't really make sense how you say "When I first heard my name and face on the news, I knew something was wrong. I sat there in awestruck horror." It sounds like you are just sitting on the couch and watching TV. Are you supposed to be a ghost or what? You could try and clear that up a little.

Overall, I think you did a great job, especially at describing the shooting!