7am - Monday 16th June
Have bought self diary. Bad idea. Thought had too complex thoughts before, this will only enhance problem. Yearn for a simple mind. Impossible. Unless become man? Yes. Think like a man. No. That doesn’t have enough ring to it. Hmm. Need some street-cred. Hmmm. Something casual. Ah ha! Yes. Think like a ‘dude.’ That’s it.
7:03am
Is that even a word?
7:05am
Yes it is. At least on urban dictionary.
7:15am
Hmm, think like a ‘dude.’
Think like a du-ooh! Doorbell. That will be my new shoes arriving.
7.17am
Was not new shoes. Was boyfriend.
7:18am
Only joking! Me? A boyfriend? You must be joking. Anyway. In fact, it was actually Miss Horley
from next door. Or as I call her, the Crazy Cat Lady Who Calls Every Morning to see if I have any paprika. The answer is always no. Now where was I???
7:20 am
Ah yes. Anyway. Who needs a guy? I am a guy now. Practically. Or at least… I am thinking like one.
7:25am
Duuuuuude. Ouch! Those hand gesture thingies really hurt if you jar your fingers back the wrong way.
Will not be doing that again.
7:30am
Crap. Have spent so much time ‘dude thinking’ and practicing ‘street-cred’ am now late for college.
8:20am
At college. Sought friends out from immense crowds in ridiculously small canteen. Seriously, it is
like playing sardines in there. But I eventually managed to find my educational family. Ben: my comedy buddy and Martha, a practical sister.
8:23am
Hmm. Sister is not very street is it?
8:24am
Sista? No. That makes me look illiterate.
8:25am
Sis. Hoe.
Bitch-kick.(?)
8:27am
Note to self: STAY AWAY FROM URBAN DICTIONARY!
8:30am
Urgent update panic and watery hellfire.
8:37am
I do hate rumours.
8:38am
Apparently, John Clements (college heartthrob) fancies me. Sounds ridiculous. But… this rumour
would fly on the day that I decided to make myself late and arrive looking a completely unattractive shambles.
8:45am
Have just rushed back from emergency toilet pit-stop. Had to apply emergency makeup. And use
emergency hair brush. And eat emergency mints. Should I risk unbuttoning shirt to reveal emergency cleavage?
8:47am
Have re-buttoned shirt so as not to appear to eager. Or be labelled a ‘slapper.’
8:50am
Ah.
8:55am
Have realised this was not ‘dude’ thinking. This was panic-girl thinking.
8:56am
Messes up hair.
8:57am
Right, am fine as me.
Yep. And if she likes me I will bang her.
9am
Oh wait. Have confused thoughts with physicality. Now have gender dysphoria.
9:01am
Meant ‘bang him.’ Not her. Him.
9:03am
Am not lesbian.
9:10am
Have been talking to Ben about this John rumour. We had a dude to dude chat. Nothing involving
feelings. Just the hard facts. Got quite awkward actually when Ben stated explaining the male arousal process to me. Seems to have forgotten: AM NOT ACTUALLY MAN!
9:11am
At least have done convincing job of thinking like one though.
9:15am
Maybe not. Have just put on more emergency lip gloss. You know, if emergency arises where John swoops in and kisses me.
2 seconds later
Which will never happen.
1 second later
Never.
9:16am
Ever.
9:18am
Right?
9:20am
Crap. Am now late to psychology.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Part 2 - A Mental ManPoints:
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139,049 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
This was quite funny, I must say.
But I have a question: Have you used crude, informal grammar on purpose ( that is, is it how the text should be?). Because you've put sentences like ," Unless become man ". Now this isn't right grammatically, so I was wondering whether the style of the story is supposed to be like this.
Also, "bought self diary" isn't a correct sentence. 'Self Diary' isn't a correct phrase.
You might need to edit it for such mistakes, but overall it's okay. And funny.
keep it up!
Mysticalxx
"Thought had too complex thoughts before,"
*I think you need to reword this because I have no idea what you are trying to say here . . .
"Unless become man?"
*Unless I become a man?
"arrive looking a completely unattractive shambles."
*You might want to reword this.
This is really funny and I love how you capture how some girls totally think! There are a lot of grammar mistakes, including the ones I mentioned, but I feel like maybe you did this on purpose? Because, after all, it is only a diary right? If you did not do this on purpose though, you might want to read through this again and fix those. Off to part 2 . . .
Oh, my God! I love this! I like the way it's written like a diary. I think my favourite part just has to be, "Sista? No. That makes me look illiterate." Under 8:38am, in the sentence "...and arrive looking a completely unattractive shambles." I think maybe it's missing a word? For example: like, "...looking like a completely unattractive shambles." But I could be wrong since I'm not experienced in English lingo, as I'm from America. I also adore the formatting, but maybe you should put some of the bits together since they're only a few minutes apart? It's entirely up to you, of course, since I do understand some might be required for emphasis. Overall, I think this chapter is amazing and I'm on to the next one!
THIS IS VERY FUNNY.
I'd say adjust the first entry to suit the rest, writing-style-wise. Otherwise though, ah I laughed so much.
You have no idea. This made my night.
Oh gods, I laughed so hard when reading this. I did spot a few problems though.
Have bought self diary. Bad idea. Thought had too complex thoughts before, this will only enhance {it possibly would use, 'The' right here.} problem.
8:37am
I do hate rumours. (Misspelling: Rumor) http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rumor
8:38am
Apparently, John Clements (college heartthrob) fancies me. Sounds ridiculous. But… this rumour (Again.)
would fly on the day that I decided to make myself late and arrive looking a completely unattractive shambles.
8:47am
Have re-buttoned shirt so as not to appear to eager. Or be labelled a ‘slapper.’ (Question: Are you British? That's how they spell Labelled. That wasn't meant to be offensive.)
8:55am
Have realised this was not ‘dude’ thinking. This was panic-girl thinking. (Misspelling: Realized. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/realize )
9:10am
Have been talking to Ben about this John rumour. (Misspelling in Rumor.) We had a dude to dude chat. Nothing involving
(Sorry if I misunderstood, misread or did anything that was originally correct. I'm using word-check and a dictionary. So I may not be accurate. I hope I was helpful. This was really funny. I loved it, Great work!)
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student, and Reader
Thanks for the review.
The words aren't spelled wrong.
I'm English. XD
Lol, sorry. I warned you that my reference wouldn't be completely accurate. I tried though!
Ha ha. That's ok.
Are you a professional author? I am shocked if you are not. This is written in the likes of one. Hilarious. Don't change a thing. PLEASE keep writing. MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. Great, now I am illiterate. KEEP WRITING!!!
+1
Hello, icannothearthings here for a short review!
This was really good! I have a few nitpicks:
"self diary.Bad idea." You need a space between diary and the period.
"Think like a du-ooh!" I'm just confused by this
"Seriously, it is like playing sardines in there." You don't play sardines.
"At least have done convincing job of thinking like one though." I feel like you should take out the though. It doesn't work well with the story.
Aside from that, I'm really interested in this story. Why the character speaks like that, and, really, WHO THIS CHARACTER IS?!?
It's a really cool story, and you got me hooked.
Great job!
Actually, you can play sardines. It's sort of like hide and seek
Oh, I had no idea
Yo hun!
I am, as you know, 567ajt, and I am here to review this stunning rewrite of an unfinished novel. Here is me hoping that you finish this, as your projects thus far- in particular Suicide Blonde- have proven to be very impressive. You are also a very good poet, as illustrated in Type Your Story Here.
I really enjoy the premise of this particular novel, as it is very down to Earth. The format of the novel should remind readers of books in the Bridget Jones series. I think this diary extract format also allows the character time for introspection, and to show off the comedy in this piece. I also find that this reminds me of teen age fiction of varying styles, such as The Catcher In The Rye, something by Jacqueline Wilson or even something similar to St. Trinians'.
Certain diary extracts really stood out in my mind's eye:
This use of irony and humour breaks down all the conventions of modern teenage culture; it's also hilarious. XD
This whole section here illustrates the difficulty in acting the opposite gender, and it is done in rather fitting fashion. I enjoy your use of language, very conversational, and very self-conscious.
Overall, very impressive
Spoiler