Wotcher,
This is a two chapters of the story that I wrote when I was eight. Now, this is not edited. This is pure eight year old Raven. I know most of the sentences are run-ons and telling and not showing. However, when I was little, I was super proud of this. So, feel free to tear this apart and show it no mercy! I will try and update this once a month!
Chapter II
Harry could not believe his ears the woman Minerva McGonagall was looking for him.
Harry severed out the bacon on three plates, turned off the stove and limped over to the door and then he heard Petunia.
“Surely you mean Dudley Dursley I mean The Fre….. Harry does not have good scores Dudley has better scores than anybody in the whole school here let me show you Dudley’s and the Fre….. Harry’s records there up stair let me go get them wait right here, actually come inside and take a seat in the Living Room.” And with that Petunia left to go upstairs to get the records.
Harry hid in a shadowy corner so Petunia would not see him because if that happened He would be hit with the frying pan, but it did not matter if Harry was hit Harry has special Healing powers if he has water he can heal anything except heal broken bones, he had even partially healed his eyesight but then he remembered that the Dursleys would be mad and say his Freakishness did it and he will be taken out of school for the next week and be beaten to a pulp.i
Harry came out of the shadows.
“Hello how are you Harry” Minerva asked.
Harry spun around.
“How how d-d-did y-y-you know my n-n-name?” Harry stuttered Out. “Oh wait never mind your Minnie aren’t you.” Harry said this more as a statement than a question.
“How did you know my nickname that my students gave me?” Minerva Inquired.
“I will tell you if I can get out this place I as soon as I turn 10 then I will run away somewhere where there is magic and people will love and….wait I am rambling aren’t I, I will be quiet now sorry” Harry said this all in one big breath at this point he was gasping for air.
“Wait what do you mean not loved and why do you want to go away and how do you know my nick name?” Minerva Asked Again.
“I told you I can’t tell you till I am away from here Oh wait Petunia is coming down stairs she can’t see me talking to you if you come back tonight around Ten O clock I will tell you everything about me see you later Min-Min” And with that Harry ran into the kitchen Leaving a very dumbstruck Minerva McGonagall.
Chapter III
Harry felt a little bad leaving Minerva all alone to face Petunia, but if Petunia found out that he talked to Minerva well... Vernon would beat the living Daylights out of him, take him out of school for one month, double his chores, and that's just a small amount of what would happen if they found out he talked to Minerva.
Harry got out from the dark corner and went into the kitchen. The moment he got in there, Harry knew he shouldn't have walked in; Vernon was purple in the face with half the mustache on his plate, it was a not a pretty sight to see. And to top that of all the appliances were destroyed.
"Freak where have you been my bacon is cold! And so is Dudley's!" Vernon yelled
Harry started to whimper he knew that when Vernon got mad at him or at anybody, it was taken out on him.
"Well Freak since you made our breakfast cold you shall pay." Vernon nearly yelled.
Praying with all his might, he wished that Minerva would hear his Uncle beat him.
Vernon was roaring while he was beating him, it hurt like he was walking into a lake of fire.
He could hear that the conversation stopped in the Other room Harry was now praying harder than ever.
And then His world went Black.
Harry woke up in a room with wallpaper that had Car and Trucks on it, Harry sat up and someone gently pushed him back down saying, "You have to stay in bed, you have lost a lot of Blood."
As he laid his Head on the pillow Harry thought the voice was familiar, but he never had time to ponder because soon he was fast asleep.
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Hi Raven!
This is actually pretty good for an 8-year-old, and the idea of a prequel about Harry Potter's youth is a pretty interesting one. I'm sure there's all sorts of strange happenings that went on while he was growing up, and it does seem likely that Minerva would've visited him.
With prequels, though, you have to be careful as any new information has to make sense in the context of the sequels. For example, I can't recall Minerva ever being called Minnie, and if she was, it certainly wasn't a term of endearment. Also, Harry has no healing powers, and he was never nearly as gifted a wizard as to be able to heal broken bones (on the other hand, I could see Hermione accidentally healing bones at a young age). However, the rest of the character interactions are fairly spot-on.
But, one thing you also want to avoid in prequels is being a bit too on the nose. That is, you want to make the occasional reference to what's to come, but you want to be sneaky about it. Here's the problematic passage:
I would just get rid of the "there is magic," and keep the rest.
Overall, a very nice effort and well told. The hardest part to get right in any fan-fiction is just the character interactions, and I think you handled that well.
"Harry could not believe his ears the woman Minerva McGonagall was looking for him."
*You could rephrase this like 'Harry couldn't believe it when he heard the woman Minerva Mcgonagall was looking for him.'
"Harry severed out the bacon on three plates, turned off the stove and limped over to the door and then he heard Petunia."
*This is definitely a run-on. I would make this into two sentences, maybe three.
"“Surely you mean Dudley Dursley I mean The Fre….. Harry does not have good scores Dudley has better scores than anybody in the whole school here let me show you Dudley’s and the Fre….. Harry’s records there up stair let me go get them wait right here, actually come inside and take a seat in the Living Room.""
*This makes no sense. You need to break apart this little dialogue a lot. And you could also make it into more paragraphs. This person is talking to someone in secret right? So add in pauses of suspense.
"Harry hid in a shadowy corner so Petunia would not see him"
*I would take the last sentence from the previous paragraph and add that into this. You could say 'Harry quickly hid in the shadows, desperately trying to blend in, when he heard Petunia going up the stairs to get the records.'
"Harry hid in a shadowy corner so Petunia would not see him because if that happened He would be hit with the frying pan, but it did not matter if Harry was hit Harry has special Healing powers if he has water he can heal anything except heal broken bones, he had even partially healed his eyesight but then he remembered that the Dursleys would be mad and say his Freakishness did it and he will be taken out of school for the next week and be beaten to a pulp."
*lllooonnngggeeesssttt run-on sentence I have ever seen. I believe this should technically be a paragraph. You need to make your point clear. First, Harry is scared of being hit. Then he isn't because he can heal himself. And then he is again because he will get in trouble. Make up your mind. And maybe you should say that Harry can heal anything, including broken bones. Because healing eyesight seems more extreme than broken bones.
"“Hello how are you Harry” Minerva asked."
*"Hello. How are you, Harry?" Minerva asked.
"Harry spun around."
*I thought he was coming out of the shadows in the direction that he would be facing Minerva. You made it sound that way when you said "came out".
"“How how d-d-did y-y-you know my n-n-name?” Harry stuttered Out. “Oh wait never mind your Minnie aren’t you.” Harry said this more as a statement than a question."
*You can't have Harry be so freaked out one minute and then so calm the next.
"“How did you know my nickname that my students gave me?” Minerva Inquired."
*"How do you know the nickname my students gave me?" Minerva inquired.
"“I will tell you if I can get out this place I as soon as I turn 10 then I will run away somewhere where there is magic and people will love and….wait I am rambling aren’t I, I will be quiet now sorry” Harry said this all in one big breath at this point he was gasping for air."
*Reword this and make this into multiple sentences.
I'm afraid I don't have time to continue editing this. I know I just hit you with a lot, but you said show no mercy right? haha I think if you just applied the advice I just gave you to this piece it could turn out really good! Keep writing!:)
Haha, you really did show me no mercy! I would edit this, I really would. However, I simply do not have enough time. I spent, maybe... a year thinking about this novel every day. I think I have spent enough time on just fanfiction! I am off thinking about my current novel! (Which has better grammar, thank goodness.)
Eight year old me would be on her knees thanking you right now! I never received a review like this on my other site!
To make your reviews look neater, I'd recommend using code! The Big Book of YWS Codes
(Wow, with all these exclamation points, I look really hyper.)