Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
10:15am
Has just occurred to me that keeping a diary is not a very “dude”thing to
do. Might have to rethink.
10:16am
Have decided against calling it a diary. Instead, it is now simply: book.
10:17am
Much better. After all, there are plenty of male authors in circulation. And
what do they write? They write books! Accomplished. That’s what it is.
10:30am
Sat with Ben and Martha for break. (Which I am actually on time for.) Explaining my “book” thoughts and the whole “dude”concept to the both of them.
“You’ve lost it! Absolutely lost it!” Martha kept telling me.
“Well I am sick of being in my own head as a silly, worrying girl all the
time.”
“It’s time for a change,” Ben insisted.
“Well I don’t think John Clements fancies men,” Martha retorted.
“I am not physically a man. Obviously.” I reminded her.
“So you won’t want the sex change then?” Ben asked. I couldn’t tell whether
he was being serious or not.
“No. It’s not like that. I am a mental man. Not a physical one,”I corrected
him.
Ben nodded understandingly, but I heard Martha mutter under her
breath:“You’ve got the mental part right.
10:45am
In boring free period in library. Am bored.
10:46am
So annoying Martha and Ben are both in lessons. What is the point of the
education system if you can’t even socialise in your free periods?
10:47am
Still bored.
10:49am
Attempted to pick nose. Seems like a “dude” thing to do. But I got weird
looks from the spotty girl with glasses sat opposite me. She’s a fine one to
judge. At least I didn’t have a bogey on my finger.
10:50am
I retract my previous statement. Am blushing profusely now.
10:51am
Have found self on Urban Dictionary again. There really are some filthy
things on there.
10:55am
On the upside, I now know what “super-manning dat hoe is.”
10:57am
Am appalled by definition of a “Dirty Sanchez.” Just, awful.
10:59am
Gawd. There is a Dirty Rodriguez as well. There’s a whole Mexican family on
here!
11:05am
Have wasted sixteen minutes of life looking at this. I will never get them
back.
11:06am
Stops. (After seeing “blue waffle” though. Unfortunate.) Surely that was a
Photoshop job?
11:07am
I hope so.
11:08am
That poor woman.
11:10am
Have just realised that have been searching these terms on college computer.
Delete history! DELETE HISTORY!
11:15am
I hate being technologically illiterate.
11:16am
“How does one delete history?” I growled at myself.
“And what are you trying to erase?” a voice over my shoulder asked.
10 seconds later
John. John Clements!
20 seconds later
What is he doing here? When did he get there? What did he see? Oh god. Can
he hear me thinking? Or… no, wait that is just silly.
11:18am
Oh brain… shut up! Am so NOT in the mood for this.
11:19am
Eagle has landed. John is sat at computer desk next to me. Have had to pretend am actually working instead of trying to delete dodgy internet search history. “I thought you were a good girl,”he told me.
11:20am
Unable to respond to previous comment. Panic. Blush. No. Dudes don’t blush.
10 seconds later
Stop blushing for goodness sake.
11:21am
“Anyway,”John was persistent with talking to me. Why? What did he want? He
was looking at my face. I was smiling.
11:22am
Oh gawd, did I have something in my teeth? Is that they he was staring?
11:23am
Couldn’t find casual way to check, so just praying to the Gods of Nice Teeth
that there isn’t some cornflakes stuck in my gob.
11:25am
Crap. This is in no way “dude” thinking.
11:26am
Who am I kidding? I sit here, perving on John Clements as he laughs at
pictures of football fails on Google. I would never do that. Dude or not.
11:27am
Why are all the attractive people mindless?
10 seconds later
That was harsh – I apologise to all the attractive people in the world.
11:30am
John just asked if I was ok. Assured him I am not mentally deficient. Seems
to have believed me. Keeps asking me questions though.
11:31am
Like:“What are you doing Friday night?”
11:32am
I am going on a date with him now. Apparently.
11:33am
Bugger! How did he do that? Managed to convince me to go out with him.
Goodness me.
12pm– Lunchtime
Urgent discussion with Martha. (Ben has mysteriously disappeared.)
“How did he do it?” I asked her for about the tenth time.
“Well. He’s obviously very seductive. So you have to be careful. More
importantly… we must choose the perfect outfit for your date on Friday,” Martha
explained.
“Date?”I looked at her, bewildered.
“He did call it a date didn’t he?” Martha raised her eyebrows sceptically.
“Err…no. Is that bad?” I added.
“Oh no, no!” she was trying to recover herself quickly.
“Just, if it’s not a date, then what is it?” she asked, somewhat mystically.
She was starting to make me panic now.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
“Then what?” Martha repeated.
“What?”
“Yes, what?”
“What?”
“What indeed.”
“Martha, I am so confused.”
12:15pm
Martha has explained that I am, in fact, not going on a date after all.
Instead I am going on a booty call.
12:16pm
Do not know what on earth that means.
12:17pm
In dire need of Urban Dictionary. But… I cannot. Nope. Partly because I
promised myself I wouldn’t. But also because have not managed to delete
previous search items in history. Cannot risk getting caught.
12:20pm
I just hate the fact we’re trapped in a big brother society and can’t look
up the words: “booty call” if we want to.
12:21pm
I don’t suppose it means he will be telephoning my bottom, does it?
12:30pm
Should talk about serious issues more often. The Big Brother society thing,
not the telephoning the bottom thing. I am actually quite intelligent when I
talk about serious issues. High IQ. Yes.
12:40pm
Am discussing with Martha which dress to wear for the booty call.
12:42pm
Have settled on green and pink floral dress.
12:43pm
Am prepared for booty call.
12:44pm
Whatever that is.
10 seconds later
Will Google on Urban Dictionary when get home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Haha! Really funny! The text under '10:49 am' really had me snicker!
The only thing is that you need to work on punctuation, but overall its' hilarious! Keep writing!
And the beginning is really funny, too. "Dude thing", Ha!
Mysticalxx
under her breath:“You’ve got the mental part right.
*under her breath. "You've got the mental part right."
"In boring free period in library."
*I would reword this.
"with glasses sat opposite me."
*with glasses who is sitting across from me.
Once again, this is hilarious! I especially love the part when her crush comes and sits down next to her! Good job!!:)
Greetings Renard! The Wandering Wizard here for a review day review!
Firstly: This is a very interesting piece. (no, I haven't read the other parts yet*feeling ashamed*). It's like look into the mind of a person you've known all your life, but only now understand what is really going on inside. Remarkable *makes a mental note about this idea*
Now, let's get back to the review. Like they say in the Sound of Music, "let's start at the very beginning...", I'm going to do just that.
The title of this piece fits the content perfectly, so I can't really complain about anything regarding that. (Drat it!)
Next: Vocabulary and Grammar. I see that the main character likes leaving out the word "I", thus creating the impression that this person (I still need to read the other parts *makes another mental note*) likes thinking very indirectly. VERY. But that is unfortunately not an excuse for poor grammar.
"But I got weird looks from the spotty girl with glasses sat opposite me"
It should be, "the spotty girl with the(optional) glasses who(you forgot this little word) sat opposite me." Small things. (I believe they're called nitpicks?)
"Is that they he was staring?"
You wrote "they" instead of "why".
As you can see it was small errors you made. Nothing major.
The continuous reference to the Urban Dictionary tells the reader that it is somehow important to the character, and also (like MasterGreaves already said) makes it seem like some "bible" to the character. Brilliantly executed.
This was a very enjoyable piece and I am looking forward to read the other Parts as well. I therefore rate this piece 7.0 out of ten. Bravo!
Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard
P.S. Sorry that there aren't any fancy quote boxes. I don't know how to make them (yet...)
There ya go.
Thanks for the review
darn it XD
that was: [quote][/quote]
Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!
Haha, wow, that was...different. In a good way.
One major recommendation would be to go back over all the dialogue you used and decide if it was absolutely necessary to have it. For example, you summarized the dialogue quite well with sentences like:
But then you have these blocks of dialogue that don't really tell me anything beyond what could be summarized, and you break your style (which was part of what made this piece). It almost bogs down the reading speed, since the lack of dialogue makes us slow down when we actually do come across some. So I'd recommend chopping and summarizing.
I absolutely love the obsession with Urban Dictionary. That site is a boon to those who have not been 'culturally educated' with such terminology, but can be quite embarrassing to see what one comes across. The character definitely feels realistic, especially with their determination to stay away, and then caving.
Not all the dialogue is bad, though. When it's short and sweet, it works. Like this one:
See how that provides insight without bogging down the piece? It's short and choppy, just like the rest of the work.
Now, one minor technical.
That 'sat' should be 'seated'.
Good job on this piece. Hope this helps!
<3
Heggo again hun
I am here to review Part Two of your short story. This takes place right after the events of the last chapter, so good continuity. 
Once again, your down-to-Earth humour is evident throughout this part, and serves as a critique of dating culture from a woman's perspective, as well as trying to understand slang.
XDDDDD The naivety of this character is astonishing, and foreshadows the rest of the short story. Also, this passage shows self-consciousness from many angles; from the "big brother" society to the contrived attempts at thinking like a boy, this character is trying to fit in and appease all sides but is treading on eggshells at the same time.
I like your constant references to Urban Dictionary, as if it's the dude's bible. XD
Ok, so, moving on to Part Three.
Spoiler