"I'm through with this silence. Talk to me!" she begged.
I answered, "Why so soon? I like this silence. It gives me time to think."
She turned around and limped away, obviously annoyed by my honesty.
~
That conversation was 2 months, 17 days, 10 hours, and 26 minutes after the accident.
So, lets start from the beginning.
2 Months, 17 days, and 10 hours Before
"Come on, get in the car!" bellowed Mother.
I mumbled my response, "Fine"
We were going down State Route 17 at 85 miles per hour, on our way to the mall. We had picked up my friend on the way. Mother was going too fast; I knew that but, I don't think she did. We were late..
She didn't even see the semi-truck barreling down right in front of us. We hit the truck straight on, leaving me with a major concussion, a broken leg, and a broken wrist. It left her with two broken legs, a shattered arm, a concussion, and two broken ribs. My friend though she didn't make it. She didn't have her seat belt on because the mall isn't far from our houses.
We got off easy but, we did pay for what happened. My mother killed someone and I lost my best friend.
I am still mad at my mom. I haven't talked to her since...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,790 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
"Talk to me!" She begged."
*You could add a "please" in front of talk to me; since she is, after all, begging. And also don't capitalize "she".
""Come on, get in the car!" Bellowed Mother."
*Don't capitalize "bellowed".
"We hit the truck straight on, "
*We hit the truck HEAD on . . .
I like your style of writing. This is really good, but why doesn't she talk to her mother exactly . . . ???
Hey hey hey! I'm Lumi. Let's jam.
First-off, I love the characterization that you're able to fit into this tiny piece--mainly by the one line in the beginning:
It gives an indicator of someone I can commune with; someone who is either hurt or coldly contemplative, reserved to the point of angering those around oneself. It's just well-flavored vanilla dialogue. Nothing outstanding, but still a good start.
What I want to focus on is how ridiculously unlikely the two characters in this piece are to walk away so unharmed from a collision of that magnitude. You may want to research how intense that particular incident would be, factoring in the speed of the mother's car, the speed of the semi, and the size of the mother's car. Other options include whether or not there are air bags, if they're buckled up--the situation is just hideously unbelievable.
If you want to bring the scenario into a more realistic perspective, try adding a third person who didn't make it. Doesn't matter who they are; it would give the MC more of a reason to be so angry towards her mother...because at the moment, there's really hardly anything to anchor her frustration to. Consider that when expanding into whatever this story becomes.
Lumi
Thanks! That means to much to me
Oh no problem!
I added more! Tell me what you think?
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!
Nitpicks first:
"I'm through with this silence. Talk to me!" She begged
Period after begged, love
I answered "Why so soon? I like this silence. It gives me time to think."
Comma after answered.
I can't wait for you to extend it! Also, even if it is so short, you can still give it more description. How did she walk away? quickly? Slowly? Did she jog? Hobble? Crawl?
Keep writing, love
Aurora
I would review this, but I can wait until you are done c:
Are you going to add more? Or can I review it now?
I may add more or I may not I have not decided yet!