Young Writers Society

Hey sis!

Well, we see things are steadily progressing. What I liked is knowing that this group of friends want to help somehow, and are not going to let themselves be carried away to safety without putting up a fight by themselves. We've also been able to see how Eyeline and Universe's story connects to this one. It's a shame that Eyeline had been able to capture them. I can't wait to see if the girls will find a way to get these escape pods heading for the Destiny Guider. Another thing that I appreciated was seeing Page's power in action. I just realized that her name and her power sort of match as well xD

‘What on earth is going on up there?’’

The bottom half of the pods were made of the same sort of hard glass the seats were made out of but the top of each pod was plastic which could be one of seven colours.

I knew they were only my cover while I worked at the Utopian Project,

Of course the Destiny guider knows what’s going on! He could tell us what is going on

Timmy here!

You have sped up the pace, not in the sense that I feel rushed and that the book is speeding along at the speed of sound--but we now have this thing rolling along! I felt in the other chapters, the ball was beginning to roll, but we were still going along slowly, picking up speed in the introduction to characters as we went along. In this chapter, with the main characters mostly introduced, we are starting to delve into the plot more and I just love it.

One thing that I haven't seen before, or at least is quite rare, is your mixture of fantasy and science fiction. I mean, this is for the most part science fiction, but you toss in their powers--something definitely not the norm for mankind--and that just makes the book so much more special. It's like you are breaching two different worlds of readers, and since I am torn between which of the two is my favorite, (I am writing two books, one from each) this is just lovely. I really like your plot and scene.

The characters are beginning to unfold as well. Especially, I think, this Dawn. At first, I as under the impression that she was a leader of some kind. Not just their little group, but something in cahoots with the big Utopian leaders. It has now become apparent that she is, like it or not, a little insignificant minion to them. Now it has left me wondering if the Utopians are good--at the headquarters, I mean--or if they are simply competitors with this Universe person/organization.

Wendy stared at it, imagining how many children like Aura were inside.

asked Page.

‘But how does she do it? Some sort of hypnotism?’’ Page placed her hand on her book and it turned into a different book.

‘But how does she do it? Some sort of hypnotism?’’ Page placed her hand on her book and it turned into a different book.

The bottom half of the pods were made of the same sort of hard glass the seats were made out of but the top of each pod was plastic which could be one of seven colours. Ours was red.

The bottom half of the pods were made of the same sort of hard glass the seats were made out of, but the top of each pod was plastic, which could be one of the seven colours. Ours was red

Hello, Utopia. Wolf here for a review, as promised.

I'll go straight into the critiquing, just so I don't lose my train of thought. Though, I'll say right now I really liked this chapter. It was interesting and we found out some cool things, but I'll go more into that later.

First off, in the beginning of the chapter, I'm not entirely sure where they are. So it may just be that I haven't read this in a while, or it just wasn't made clear enough, but if my memory serves correct, they were in a ship somewhere before last chapter, but now they seem to be in some kind of base? Really, I don't know where anything is. They were at Aura's house and then they went somewhere else, and now they seem to be at this base, but how these locations relate to each other, I have no idea. Is it a short flight (or ride, however they got to Aura's house) from the house to the base? This doesn't have to be done now, but at some point, I think you should try and establish how each setting relates to each other to avoid further confusion.

Be very careful for redundancy. As pointed out in the previous review, the word 'Earth' was repeated three times in one paragraph. I understand its dialogue, and people can talk however, but it seems odd to me that someone would say the same word three times in the same dialogue. Also, the very next paragraph has the word 'Earth' as well. Maybe edit out one or two of those. Another spot of redundancy, is that 'pods' is also repeated quite a bit throughout the second half of this chapter.

I'm not really sure how I feel about the place being called 'Cloud-Cuckoo Land'. So, I'm not accusing you of anything, but it seems to be a spin-off from the Lego Movie. I recommend you avoid things like that, since some can see it that you stole that name, and most prefer original names and ideas. If its supposed to be a place similar to that, maybe change it up a bit and really make it into your own world.

Final thing: the platform/pods floating thing really confused me. At first, I thought each pod was on a separate platform, and when it said they were launching in half and hour, each different pod floated into the air, which didn't make too much sense to me. If they were launching in half an hour, why would the platform go ahead and rise up? The I reread this and realized every pod was on the same giant platform, and that the pods could possibly be removed from it, but it still doesn't answer the question why it would rise before launch. Maybe make this more clear as to the reasoning?

Enough of that, back to praise. We are provided with quite a bit of information between this chapter and the last one. Eyeline is shown to us a little more in the mechanics book, saying she was created, and then with the assumption that she took over Universe's army. It really makes me wonder why she is so intent on taking over, whether she is just plain evil, or she has some grudge against the world, etc. Also, we get to see more about the MC (her name slips my mind), since she is shown as caring and concerned just by the act of worrying about Aura. That little thing tells us a lot about her.

I'm very excited to see further into this, and I wonder what plan is going to unfold. What will these girls be up to? Anyways, Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~

During dialogue, you use a ' at the beginning of the sentence and then a " at the end. I don't know why you do that . . .

‘But why would Universe’s troops be heading for earth? I thought she and her kingdom were the only ones except for us who refused to attack earth, and now their army is heading for earth top-speed?’
*You might want to capitalize "Earth". And you use it three times on this on piece of dialogue so you could take out two of them. And in the next sentence you use "earth" again.

and sixty-eight hours,’’
*Just a little punctuation, change the comma to a period.

‘She’ll be moved to the sick pod where she will be waked up and told the news, now come on!’
*where she will be WOKEN up

‘the escape pods will take everyone to a safer realm, probably Cloud-cuckoo-land, now don’t you worry about this place.
*you need to capitalize "the"

Thoughts rushed through my head as I listened to the sound of our shoes as they squeaked across the marble floor.
*You used "as" as a transition twice in this sentence. You might want to change one of them.

The platform had holes dotted here and there in it.
*you don't need "in it"

The platform had holes dotted here and there in it. Each hole contained a ball-like dome. Each dome could hold up to twelve Utopians.
*You could try combining these sentences. An example would be "The platform was dotted with holes containing ball-like domes, each of which could hold up to twelve Utopians."

I noticed that, after dialogue, you rarely use words like said, explained, spoke, etc. You should probably get into a habit of that because it doesn't make as much sense when you follow dialogue immediately with action.

"ruffled hair only made me more afraid and worried myself about what was going on"
*you don't need "myself"

"We finally stopped at a red pod with a single window, just like all the others."
*You could try and reword this. When you describe it, you make it sound like it is different, but then you throw off that idea when you say just like all the others. So you could try phrasing it this way - We finally stopped at one of the many identical pods. They all are red with a single window.

"but the top of each pod was plastic which could be one of seven colours. Ours was red."
*And then you say this. First, you were saying that every pod was red and now they can be one of seven different colors. You also repeated that your pod was red.

"holiday on cuckoo land while serious stuff is going on"
*A word that writers should try to avoid is "stuff". Especially following the word "serious". "Stuff" is a lazy word and "serious" definitely is not. You can just replace that with a synonym.

"Destiny guider"
*first you capitalize guider and then you don't.

‘Launch in half an hour. We are about to prepare for launch though so everyone please step onto the platform.’’
*You used launch twice and it kind of sounded like you were stating the obvious.

‘Hey guys, look at this?’’
*a little punctuation- change the question mark to a comma or period

Page was deep in thought and after thinking about it for a moment, she pulled out a box from her pocket. She placed her hand on the box and it turned into a book, a mechanics book about escape vehicles like the one we were on.
*I haven't read any of your other chapters so I don't know if you have mentioned this book in the past, but if you haven't, it sounds awfully convenient that she would happen to have a book on escape vehicles.

"I stared in to space"
*I stared INTO space.

I know that was a lot, but I'm just trying to help you out!:) I love the name Universe and you did a good job writing the excerpt from the book! Keep up the good work!