carelessaussie13

Hi everyone From the replies I've received so far, I thought I'd point out that this is a first section and there is more to come, but I had to ...

I find myself wondering who or what the character was before he became the servant of light, if anything. I might recommend an opening stanza about whatever came before this ...

orange light turns the sky on This does not work, both gramatically and whatever word means "to your ear". There must be a better way to describe this.

A lot of people would answer yes to those questions if they weren't thrown out there like a survey. Don't trash it, but do add rhythm and words that, when ...

This was a hard poem to digest, and the line breaks were odd in my opinion. Good job though

This is really good, full of emotion, but I would recommend rhythm. It's also a little cliche, but who in this site cares about that? Honestly. :wink:

wow, it's like school on the weekend! As bad an association as that is, very good work. I agree that the last two lines seem out of place.

and they were parked parallel in my diagonal universe Wow! I was totally stunned. This was particularly good, and congrats! Keep writing!

This rings a bell of truth (no pun intended) and I have but one small tidbit. I think rhythm would greatly help this poem. I told you it was small. ...

May I recommend rhythm? This poem is very full of emotion and congratulations of a job well done. Kudos

I think it would benefit the piece to add something of the character's thoughts and emotions into the piece. Is he or she thinking about autumn or subconsciously noticing these ...

I agree that playdough is too silly a word fot the style of writing you have chosen. Even just switching it to clay would, in my opinion, add a lot ...

Everything is awesome, but I'd like to add one small crit. In the beginning you said that Zinthia was the cutest girl in the world, and half a paragraph later ...

A lot have been saying I stole the idea from someone else, and I'm afraid you might be right. I wrote this from something my mom always said to me ...

Awesome job, but may I suggest punctuation?