I love sitting on my dorm's porch in autumn. I get the whole bench to myself, and I can either hook my feet over the white-washed railing in front of me or shove off and send the bench swinging, the rusty but steady chains creaking as I rock back and forth. Then the breeze kicks up and I can smell the fragrance of fall, the colors of the leaves, the biting hint of winter. But I am not afraid. Bundled in my old, lumpy green sweatshirt, the cold can't touch me. The last of the birds are singing in the grand old oak to my left, the final warriors of spring to retreat before the frosty siege. The grass is still green, too, with fallen leaves like leopard's spots scattered over the earth's hide. The sky is a cheerful blue, with a few white, fluffy clouds to keep it from becoming unbearable. Such a perfect autumn day.
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140,536 Literary Works • 673,408 Reviews
First of all, get rid of the quotes. As soon as you say the word "I" it indicates that you are saying it. Unless you were speaking to someone else, it isn't necessary to tell us that you said it. It's enough that it's in first peson.
As people said, it's very pretty and shows a descriptive scene. Which is cool. Plus you have good imagery, which is always nice. Not only can we see the scene, but we can also feel it through many senses. That's some pretty nice writing there you have.
Now, I realize that this is non-fiction, so that limits you somewhat, but at the same time, there's no real conflict. Everything's perfect and... it's pretty, but after you read it, there's nothing to chew on or digest. It just... is. So to make your scenes a little more substantial, conflict is a necessity.
For this story, you can add it in by what happens before this small scene and what happens after. Maybe something not-so-good happened? In any case, it would make it a little more interesting.
Just a thought.
Happy editing!
No I don't think you should change it.
I knew straight away that you were writing from your point of view, great imagery.
I loved the leapord spots part.
Oh yeah, before I go I'll just say that I agree that the hoodie part is a little, out of place. How about jumper/sweat shirt/pull over???
Lexy xxx
Excellent description, excellent metaphor, it's just all over excellent.
Now if you could insert this kind of description into an actual story... I would be your fan for life. xD
I think it would benefit the piece to add something of the character's thoughts and emotions into the piece. Is he or she thinking about autumn or subconsciously noticing these things as he or she mulls over other things?
Lovely description! You captured autumn perfectly.
It was nice, gyr. Good flow and description.
One thing I noticed that seemed out of style: the word "hoodie". It's a common word used by us younger people, but it still is in the slang area. I would go with "sweats".
Thanks so much to everyone who's posted here--this is the first bit of nonfiction I've posted! *blush* I'm glad you guys liked it.
RR, it's basically just a description of what I experience sitting on my dorm hall's porch in autumn.
It's good, but there's not much to go on. You can get a real picture of where the character is and everything around them.
Is it the beginning of a story, or just a description?
RR*
Good job Amy!
Write more nonfiction!
That was really beautiful, gyrfalcon. I love your descriptive words and your imagery. I can really see the autumn scene in my head. It also had a really good flow, and a good central theme. Your sentence structure is very well done. There isn't anything I would change.
I really enjoyed this a lot. Great job!
wow that sent shivers down my body, you put in such powerful description i love all your work so far please keep going Gyr