carelessaussie13

Hi there. You should make this into the beginning of a story. Possibly a story about doctors. Yes. That would be good. -Aussie

Hi Lyndzie, It's always nice to see new members on YWS, but please review at least 2 other members' pieces before posting any more of your own out of respect ...

Hi again. Much better. I'm glad to see you edited it! There are still some things to work on, though; some of the lines don't make any sense to me, ...

Hi there, I hate to be a downer, but I really don't see the big deal. There wasn't much wrong with the poem itself, but I have to say, not ...

And?...

Dearie, you're too good for this website. Aim for the stars.

one quick question: I didn't get how the title related to the poem. I loved the first line. Your rhyme scheme was a tad random. Not bad, though.

Deliciously funny. Although your use of the word "morbid" was a little off. A brain can't be morbid. Eating it can be morbid, though. Try grotesque, or squishy, or Jello-esque. ...

What he said. Also, in the L2 S2 it seemed like that should have been "the threat of tomorrow", don't you? A promise is a mite too cheery.

Yeah, what they said. Basically I think that while you're revising you ought to cinsider using longer lines. These short little broken up fragments seemed rather distracting from the whole ...

Thanks for all the critiques, everybody. I'll definitely be editing this today, but I thought I'd clarify on the whole chocolate thing. Brian has had chocolate before, but now he's ...

Imagery Imagery Imagery! This is all that this poem is lacking.

Good. Short, but good. For me, the thing that wrecked the poem was the last line. It was casual, like tripping over your shoes as you leave the stage. It ...

actually, the message kind of was the beauty of nature. Thanks anyway, goys. I'll definitely think about the title.

May I offer a resounding WOW accompanied by much applause and foot-stamping? I know it's epic poetry, but it's kind of indigestible. Like Moby Dick. Try shorter stanzas.