Published June 16, 2008
In my head I am trully safe,
In my thoughts,
My one escape,
In my dreams,
My hopes I see,
In my soul I am free,
Myself is safehaven,
Where nothing is judged,
Myself is my fortress,
Where none can come,
My head,
My heart,
My spirit,
My soul,
Remain unchanged by the outside world,
I know peace will come from only one place,
Myself,
My safety,
From there and nowhere else.
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I really liked that. Your rhythm was very good, and perhaps in only a few places you've to problems with flowing...
Also I agree with niteowl up there, you need to expound on some of those lines about why you're safe in your head. To really capture attention I think you need more details and solid adjectives that can create kind of a juxtapose of the comparison of the safety you feel in your mind compared to the outside world.
I think you have a really good idea going here, I hope that you go on to tweak it a little and it will be perfect!
Good luck!
Yeah, what they said. Basically I think that while you're revising you ought to cinsider using longer lines. These short little broken up fragments seemed rather distracting from the whole piece.
So...you feel safe inside your head. That's great, but I don't care...yet. Make me care. Make me feel the peace inside your head in comparison with the world outside. I rather liked the line about the fortress. Perhaps you could expand on that. Or perhaps there's some better comparison you could use.
I'd suggest using more concrete images as well. Words like "mind", "spirit", "soul", and "peace" are so abstract that they have little meaning. Give us more detail, more uniqueness.
This isn't that bad, but it could be much better if you expanded your images. Keep wriitng!
awesome! loved it! keep up the good work!!! Can't wait to read more!