Published January 16, 2010
I stand in the mist
Its surrounds me
Choking me
Stifling my cries
Usually when I come to the mist
It's my safe haven
It can not block the pain
But it does get me to somewhere else
Where I can pretend that the girl
Who wears jeans and long sleeves
Year round to cover the black and blue is not me
My safe haven is not working
They have gone further this time
Further than they ever have
Reality comes back with a snap
I feel my father's hands holding me down
I see my mother
Standing over me with a pillow in her hands
I try to take a deep breath before it comes crashing down
I don't succeed
Begging her with my eyes to give me air I struggle
I try to fight
Scratch
To just get some air
Slowly I feel the energy trickling out of me
I know I'm going to die
I stop struggling
I'll never win
But maybe death will not be so bad
You are taught all your life to fear it
We all run from something that will always catch us
Besides dying will be a lot easier than the life I'm living
I feel the will to survive draining from me
I do not feel empty
Nor incomplete with out it
I feel happy
Invincible
My mother thinks shes harming me
When in truth she's giving me the thing I've always wanted
Just was never able to do myself
Everything is going fuzzy
I can hear her breathing heavily
I see the outline of her smile
Funny, the one thing I always wanted I recieve
When I'm dying
Finally, for the first time
I have peace
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
Hey Lyndzie, June here,
I think that the problem with this poem is the lack of consistency stops the way of the flow and holds it back. Look here:
Surrounds is active voice, and choking is as well, but why not keep them all in the same form? Why not chokes me? If you combine all of these, your flow will be better, consistent, and it'll pull the poem forward.
I don't really like this part, because if you remove all of the line breaks, it just doesn't sound too poetic, dear. I'd like it to -- be creative, use images and metaphor instead of just telling us this flatly.
Later on, [recieve should be receive.
I don't like this poem, because it's hard to sympathize with the narrator. The themes of being alone, being abused, being helpless are cliche -- and they could be true or untrue, and how you write it is your choice, dear. If you present it to your audience in an original, fresh way, then we'll be able to appreciate and sympathize and empathize with this character.
Best of luck,
June
I like it.
Hi Lyndzie,
It's always nice to see new members on YWS, but please review at least 2 other members' pieces before posting any more of your own out of respect to the other writers.