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142,215 Literary Works • 676,903 Reviews
This poem tries to accomplish... something. I'm not sure what, which means you really lost track of it.
What he said.
Also, in the L2 S2 it seemed like that should have been "the threat of tomorrow", don't you? A promise is a mite too cheery.
Ok:
"War,
Fare."
No,
Way.
The separation of those words doesn't make sense. Or any of the others.
- Yes, blood and war go hand in hand. As do cliches and poems which get very few reviews. Come up with something more insightful there.
- The promise of tomorrow becoming the enemy is the best sentiment of the whole poem. Restructure the poem around this.
- I'm not sure why the rain is red. Oh, it is blood. Blood, Shed. The problem isn't that this is unclear, it's that it is clearly nonsensical.
I like your form here, and there is an echo of a style which I also enjoy. If you take off those words at the ends of your stanzas, I think you will already find improvement. Have a clear idea of what you want the reader to experience, and write with that experience in mind.