z

Young Writers Society



Apprehension

by ozasatya


I was going to my classes,
After a very long interval.
Because of a fracture in my leg.
And the interval itself had been a blur.

As the time to go to the classes drew closer,
My heart began to quicken its pace
And the thoughts in my mind began to race.

“Oh, my dear, what happened?
How did it happen?
Are you all right now?
These all questions my friends would ask.
To speak out the answers would be quite a task.

My stomach began to tighten and grumble.
My mouth became dry,
My body with anxiousness and tension began to tremble.
And there was cold sweat all over my face.
To bring back some confidence, in vain did I try.

I wish I could stop time,
But time and tide wait for none.
And with all the trembling body and the racy heart.
I tried in vain to find some calm in spite of the cloud of apprehension
Covering my mind.

I have a fracture due to which i could not go to my classes. When i finally went to the classes, this is what i felt. Please give me some reviews. :)

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
370 Reviews

Points: 20503
Reviews: 370

Donate
Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:56 am
empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



Okay, I liked this piece. The emotion, the way its presented was pretty good. There are some things amiss with the rhythm, however. And it's because you're using a lot of passive voice.

ozasatya wrote:As classes drew closer,
My heart quickened its pace
Thoughts in my mind began to race.

“Oh, my dear, what happened?
How did it happen?
Are you all right now?"
my friends would ask.
To speak the answer was quite a task.

My stomach began to tighten and grumble.
My mouth became dry,
My body with anxiousness and tension began to tremble.
To bring back some confidence, in vain did I try.

But time and tide wait for none.
And with all the trembling body and the racy heart.
I tried to find some calm in the cloud of apprehension
Covering my mind.

Okay, not all of that was passive voice. But it gave your piece a passive tone. Take my advice or not, but there is your poem.
Your rhyming scheme was also a little a-wire but I think it works.
Great job and keep writing,
The Universe




User avatar
29 Reviews

Points: 3355
Reviews: 29

Donate
Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:06 pm
forgottenfallen wrote a review...



A good idea on the whole for a poem, I like it. Just with a poem its a expression of feeling, not an excuse to write another random sentence to make it rhyme. E.g:

These all questions my friends would ask.
To speak out the answers would be quite a task.

My heart began to quicken its pace
And the thoughts in my mind began to race.


Feel free to mix it up a little! Just because other people rhyme doesn't mean you have to! x

Forgotten xxx




User avatar
236 Reviews

Points: 4825
Reviews: 236

Donate
Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:17 pm



Hi there,

I hate to be a downer, but I really don't see the big deal. There wasn't much wrong with the poem itself, but I have to say, not every experience needs to be written into a poem. Know what I mean?





You have been de-shenaniganed.
— WaffleCat