biancarayne

“It’s been a while and Makajeh hasn’t answered us.” “I’m beginning to think he’ll take the power we gave him and try to become more powerful than us.” “We want ...

“Hello my name is Sendoma. What is your name?” said Sendoma sarcastically. “My name is Makajeh and I am the leader of the Ankishi, the army that destroyed this town. ...

Mmkay, so the action in this flew by way too fast for the reader to catch anything at all, so every time someone fought it's kind of like...okay, and why ...

Mmkay, since the person before seemed to do a wonderful job picking out grammar things, I'll focus on something else. I think maybe you could begin this a different way ...

So yeah, the way it read did seem really distracted and parts of the phrasing in this read really, really odd- also I think with this you could have shown ...

This was pretty good, definitely eerie. I think you could have showed the girl's revulsion to her mother a little better or expanded on it. Also, the dialogue didn't seem ...

I'm not sure what you were supposed to mean by this, as some of the words and phrases made no sense and there was nothing to it other than that- ...

So the punctuation in this could most definitely be improved, because at first like Claudette I thought you ere omitting punctuation but then you have yeah. All in all, this ...

Mmkay, so this was definitely a good write. Me personally I'm never the biggest fan in the world of rhyming so I'm not sure if that part is good or ...

The first thing I noticed was that this is kind of long, and for some people it might be kind of hard to concentrate on reading this well enough to ...

Soldiers poured out of every door, guns loaded heading for cars or running after the figure on foot. I think there needs to be some other kind of punctuation in ...

In my opinion, large words like the ones you've used in this, especially the first stanza, are completely unnecessary and take away from more than add to this. But maybe ...

I think you could have done a lot with this without rhyming. In poetry that's meant to be emotional, in my opinion rhyming limits the word choice, limits how powerful ...

I don't think the title really had much to do with it, as dirty was never mentioned...perhaps red wine instead of dirty wine? I would point out punctuation, but you ...

This didn't make much sense to me, but that may just be me of Liz pointed out, some of the similes didn't seem to match with the others one at ...