Elixir From a Cypress Tree
Like a Beautiful Melody
Shining in the light for the world to see
But the greedy don’t share this drink of fantasy
They sell it like kids at raves with ecstasy
When you wake up next to me
You wonder if I’m a trickster
Going thought one day without the fix is hard
One little gulp is all you need
Addicted to the nectar of the forbidden tree
Holding you flask so near to your heart
without that pick me up
You feel as thought when you were awoken up
From you slumber, pup
The illicit thirst quencher halts like a dehydrated train in need of fuel
The tool is the trick of the trade
Start out innocent, become corrupt
Then sellout and become obstruct
Leave the junkies hungry like monkeys trapped in the city
It’s a pity that its just piss in a can…
_________________
~MXJ [a.K.a] RAJ~
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Show don't tell. I'm not going to go in detail on that again.
I found the rhyming in the beginning tedious; like it was all said in one breath and I was trying to rush through all those 'tree/me/zjghjlshgklhee's as quickly as possible. However you even hampered that with your lack of flow.
Try reading this aloud, wherever you stumble (there'll be some spots) needs to be fixed.
The subject was interesting, if poorly portrayed. You've got some intriguing ideas ('piss in a can', etc.) that could be expanded a bit.
Read around, you know the drill.
~Ed
I felt like, at the beginning, you just went to Rhyme Zone and used everything you could that rhymed with "tree".
You have no rhyme scheme--and yet you rhyme? Rhyming isn't something you can do, and then can stop altogether. You either rhyme (with a pattern, and an intent) or you don't rhyme at all.
You lacked any punctuation, next to the lonely comma and ellipse. Poetry & Punctuation. That should help you.
The poem didn't really express anything to me, other than the exactly what you said... and that didn't really do much to me. IMHO, the goal of poetry is to express some thought or feeling. what were you trying to express? Read over it, and write it with it in mind that every poem should make the reader feel or think something.
Best of luck.
This didn't make much sense to me, but that may just be me of course...as Liz pointed out, some of the similes didn't seem to match with the others one at all...I'm not much of a rhyming fan, because in my opinion rhyming generally doesn't add anything to the piece, and I tend to notice the rhymes more than the actual meaning of the poem, but I still liked this. This also might benefit from some punctuation...overall, though, this is definitey good!
Very nice. I'm glad you've used your capitalisation effectively in this piece; it makes all the difference.
('thought' should be 'through.'Just some small things like spelling you need to fix up, eg:
should be 'pick-me-up.'
There are a few others, but I'll let you sort them out.
Okay, more important things..I generally found your rhyme unique and interesting, but I think some things sound a bit forced, such as
Also:
I found this line far too long in comparison, it broke up your flow and didnt really fit in. If you broke it up it would also be more effective as it's a very loaded sentence - a pause would work better in there.
Also, some punctuation and end-stops could help your flow. You might also want to think about using stanzas, because it does so much for the rhythm as well as the organisation of your thoughts.
Some similes didn't seem to fit, such as It doesn't make too much sense.
Anyway, overall I really liked this. Strong concept and generally very original.