Published June 17, 2007
governed by that existential factor. unrelentingly
precise, the logistics are laid out in symbiotic perfection,
the white chalk blatantly deliberate on the blackboard.
there is no room for life between these reasoned lines.
the muse is in the loose wirings, the broken mind
that bleeds in color; those who see the motive in the logic’s lie.
beyond this spinning sphere, our combined weight is holding
down the clouds, we have willed our bodies skyward to purge
ourselves of air, because up here we breathe sunlight.
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I actually liked this. I havn't read much abstract poetry but i liked this. I agree that some work needs to be done on the last stanza because it seems out of place and doesn't add anything to the poem. The line 'there is no room for life between these reasoned lines.' is really good and is one of the only emotive lines in the poem.
Now this is what I like. I've written a bit of abstract poetry myself.
The theme is too frantically changed by the last stanza. I could see where your ideas were heading in the first two stanzas, but the last one doesn't fit in.
In my opinion, large words like the ones you've used in this, especially the first stanza, are completely unnecessary and take away from more than add to this. But maybe that's just me. Also, I'm not sure if the way this is punctuated really does anything for this...almost kind of reads like prose to me for some reason. Otherwise, I definitely did enjoy this a lot because of the surreal, abstract imagery in this and the wy it seemed very philosophical.
I agree. Something more solid would be nice; a specific instance, a place...
I did actually understand this poem, and I really liked what you were trying to express, but there were way too many adjectives and abstract descriptions for my taste.
Also, "morning dew of dreams"--just...no. It doesn't sound like you, Cameron. It doesn't fit with the feel of the poem. It sounds too fairy-princess-y and I want to throw it off a cliff. But seriously. That's the only thing I truly disliked. So good job!
-Colleen
well, you're lucky, 'cause abstracts fit in nicely with my tastes
However, I do have to agree that you need to work on being emotive. This was good, and you certainly have nice ideas ("there is no room for life between these reasoned lines." struck me as particularly philosophic; something I wholeheartedly approve of). Just try to work on making these surrealities relatable.
~Ed
It was too abstract for my taste. I assume the lack of punctuation was with purpose, but it doesn't suit me. I didn't get any emotions, and instead ended up swimming in the words and imagery and ideas presented, rather than understanding it. Try writing something with more solidity to it, something that people can connect with and relate to. Something that will make them feel.