z

Young Writers Society



Super Star Mystery

by sleuthchick


The lights on the large polished black stage came on and a petite, eighteen year old girl appeared from the left wing of the back stage area. She held a microphone in her left hand. She wore a bright yellow tank top, a dark grey denim skirt with a frayed fringe at the hem, and white calf length low heeled boots.

Her shoulder length curly black hair was down and her pretty green eyes looked out at the audience sitting in chairs in front of her. She smiled at everyone. Then she raised the microphone so it was level with her pink lips. She waited paitently as the band geared up. Once the guitars started wailing she knew that was her cue.

"Hey everybody! Don't ya know?

I ain't just another Pop Princess.

Yeah I got some soul.

Pop music is alright. It's okay.

It gets everyone movin'.

But with blues you got to reach

deep down in your soul.

Uh Huh, it moves ya.

To make others feel what your

feelin'. You got to feel it too.

And thats why. Yeah thats why.

They call it the blues."

The girl stopped there and the band stopped their playing. The singer walked to the center of the stage and faced three people who were seated in the center aisle of the theater. To the left was a middle aged black man.

"Blakleigh, that was a great performance." he said

Blakleigh beamed, "Thanks Freddy." she said shyly

The next person to judge the girl was sitting between Freddy and another man. This person was a woman. She was a singer and dancer back in the eighties. Anna Clemmons. The forty something woman still looked as gorgeous as ever. Only her fiery red hair now has light grey streaks running through it. Her blue eyes shone with pride as she looked at the girl.

"Blakleigh no one would believe that a shy girl would have such an amazing voice. You rock girl!" she said

Blakleigh said thank you to Anna and faced the third man who was Gerard Hunnington. He owned a record label in London and New York. His hazel eyes appeared very serious as he looked at Blakleigh.

"Very well done. Blakleigh you are the most talented singer on Super Star." he replied in his deep british accent.

"Thank you." she said

The camera zoomed in for a close up of Blakleigh and Kurt. She gave the camera a nervous smile. While tall, tanned, and handsome Kurt with his surfer blond curly hair smiled with confidence. "If you want to vote for the lovely and talented Blakleigh McCullough then call 1-800-SuperStar. But wait till after the show." he said

"After this quick break Jacob Simmons will perform. See ya soon." Kurt said

The camera zoomed out and the commercials were rolling. Blakleigh went back stage and set her microphone down. Over on one side of the room the other finalists stood talking in a circle.

Blakleigh has never felt comfortable talking to a bunch of people. Although she did manage to step out on to that stage and sing her heart out. She just shrugged and headed over to the refreshment table. The was filled with different types of snack foods. They ranged from bags of chips, a tray of veggies, a cooler filled with bottled water.

Blakleigh grabbed a bottled water, and a bag of baked potato chips.

She crossed the room and sat down on the green sofa in the center of the room.

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1464 Reviews

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Thu Jul 19, 2007 3:56 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Very nice, Sleuthchick! ShadowTwit already covered a lot of the grammar issues. I'll just make a few pointers:

"Blakleigh, no one would believe that a petite and shy girl would have such an amazing voice. You rock girl!" she said


I agree. You don't need "petite" in the sentence. "shy girl" should be fine.

Very very well done. Blakleigh, you are the most talented singer on Super Star." he replied in his deep british accent


ShadowTwit suggested deleting a "very." You could do that, or you can put a comma between them. "Very, very well done!" I would consider an exclamation point. If he doesn't sound enthusiastic about it, then tell us that. :wink:

"Thank you for your kind words. I was nervous before I stepped on to the stage." she said


You can keep "your kind words" if you keep going with the fact that Blakleigh is really, abnormally polite. :lol: Earlier in the story, I dont get the feeling that she's this polite. This bit was kind of thrown out at us so suddenly. Change it to a more modern and believable phrase, or consider making Blakleigh a super duper polite person throughout your story.

If you want to vote for the lovely and talented Blakleigh McCullough then call 1-800-SuperStar. But wait till after the show." he said


Excluding the "1-800" bit, I always thought phone numbers had seven numbers. You can use "1-800-Suprstr" or just change it. Maybe this is a different country with different rules. o_O

That British judge sounds like Simon Cowell from American Idol. :o The judges are pretty easy-going here, eh? All three of them...Blakleigh must be very talented :wink:

That's all I have to point out. (I can't help with lyrics. I suck at those XD) Sorry if I might've contradicted you, ShadowTwit. I jsut thought of other possible suggestions for a couple things you pointed out. Sleuthchick, if you're really confused, use ShadowTwit's idea first, cause she posted before I did. :lol:

Hope I helped a little bit, at least. :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Tue Jul 17, 2007 8:02 pm
biancarayne wrote a review...



Mmkay, since the person before seemed to do a wonderful job picking out grammar things, I'll focus on something else. I think maybe you could begin this a different way other than starting by talking about the character- something to better make the reader want to keep reading this, ya know? Also I'm not entirely sure what the plot in this, it seems to revolve more around an event right now...although this might be a first chapter, and if it is ya might have to inform the blondies like me of that ;). Anyways, this is definitely a very nice start!




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Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:10 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Good, but your style is too broken up, with too many short sentances. I'm in favour of a few short ones here and there, but not too many.


Sleuth wrote:She held a microphone in her left hand. She wore a bright yellow tank, a dark grey denim skirt with a frayed fringe at the hem, and white calf length low heeled boots.


See? Here, you could run the first bit about the mike into the rest of it and make one long sentance. And a "tank"??? I think you mean a tank top?


Sleuth wrote:Her shoulder length curly black hair was down and her pretty green eyes looked out at the audience sitting in red plush chairs in front of her. *She smiled at everyone. Then she raised the microphone so it was level with her natural pink lips. She waited paitently as the band geared up.* Once the guitars started wailing she knew that was her cue.


The sentance thingy again. Put all that between the asterixes into one long bit.
On a side note, there's perhaps a tad too much description here. First you spell out zigackly what she's wearing then, zigackly what she looks like. Tone it down a little?


Sleuth wrote:"Hey everybody! Don't ya know?
I ain't just another Pop Princess.
Yeah, I got some soul. PUT COMMA HERE

Pop music is alright. It's okay.
It gets everyne movin'. EVERYONE

But with blues you got to reach
deep down in your soul.
Uh Huh, it moves ya. SMALL LETTER

To make others feel what your YOU ARE = YOU'RE
feelin'. You got to feel it too.

And thats why. Yeah thats why. THAT'S
They call it the blues."


What song is that, btw? Sorry, bout the capitals, but it makes it stand out.


Sleuth wrote:To the left was a middle aged black man. He was a big guy. He was not over weight. He just had alot of muscle.


Run all these together too make one sentance that isn't quite so info-dumpy. All that about what he looks like doesn't seem very important right now.
Two words = a lot


Sleuth wrote:"Blakleigh, that was a great performance." he said


Comma instead of full stop. You missed out the full stop at the end.


Sleuth wrote:Blakleigh beamed, "Thanks Freddy." she said shyly


Full stop instead of comma, and you've forgotten the finishing full stop again.


Sleuth wrote:This person was a woman. She was a singer and dancer back in the eighties. Anna Clemmons. The forty something woman still looked as gorgeous as ever. Only her fiery red hair now has light grey streaks running through it. Her blue eyes shined with pride as she looked at the girl.


Again, the sentances need to be run together, and you don't need so much info here.
Shined = shone


Sleuth wrote:"Blakleigh, no one would believe that a petite and shy girl would have such an amazing voice. You rock girl!" she said


Comma after "Blakleigh" and full stop to finish the sentance. Maybe you don't need the "petite" bit.


Sleuth wrote:"Very very well done. Blakleigh, you are the most talented singer on Super Star." he replied in his deep british accent.


Take the second "very" out.

Comma after "Blakleigh"

Comma instead of full stop to end speech.

She hasn't said anything to him yet, so he can't be replying.

Capital B on "British".


Sleuth wrote:"Thank you for your kind words. I was nervous before I stepped on to the stage." she said


Change this, or take it out. It sounds too forced. Would a girl really say something like that? Just a plain thank you should do fine.

Comma to end speech, not a full stop.

You need to end every sentance with a full stop!!


Sleuth wrote:"Well, we certainly had no idea you had butterflies in your stomach while you were performing." Kurt Reynolds, the host of Super Star said as he came up beside Blakleigh.


Comma after "Well".

Comma to end speech.

Comma after "Kurt Reynolds".


Sleuth wrote:She gave the camera a nervous smile. While tall, tan, and handsome Kurt with his surfer blond curly hair smiled with confidence.


Run these two sentances together. We don't really need to know about this bloke's hair, and "tan" should be "tanned".


Sleuth wrote: "If you want to vote for the lovely and talented Blakleigh McCullough then call 1-800-SuperStar. But wait till after the show." he said


Comma to end speech, full stop to end the sentance.


-

Well, apart from all that, it was fine! Most of the things pointed out were basic grammer mistakes, and choppy sentance structure. Just mend those, and this'll be good. :D





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