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*ha*
yes... i really agree with Whence, except that i really did finish the 'poem.'
i also agree with Claudette, Fand, and Snoik.
please do not try and rhyme...it doesn't make the poem better, on the contrary it makes people almost distracted.
other than that it was ok, iguess.
---Lora

Note: harshness follows.

GAH. No. I couldn't even finish this. This wasn't poetry. And I'm not saying this to discourage you from writing, on the contrary, I'm saying it in hopes that you'll continue and get better.

With that being said; what NOT to do (that you did):
[ ]Have lines that are weightless. Known as 'fluff', these just take away from any potency the piece might have.
[ ] Have a poem that is supported solely by its rhymes. NO. This means it isn't poetry, but just some silly phrases. Poetry need not to rhyme.

now, what you should do:
[ ] used metaphors, similes, hyperboles, and other poetic devices. If used correctly, these can make a poem. If used incorrectly, they destroy it.
[ ] have good flow. Read it aloud-- it should help catch any sticky parts.
[ ] use good punctuation! Claw provided a lovely link to a lovely article on this topic.
[ ] Write about things that matter to you. If you're indifferent to the topic, chances are the poem'll come across the same way.
[ ] read it from a reader's point of view. Does it make you feel anything? Good poems do.
[ ] Show, don't tell. Let the reader visualize what the poem's about. Rather then just saying what's happening (the poetic equivalent of a slap in the face), paint a picture for them to interpret (the equivalent of whispering in their ear)


Anyway, I hope that helps at all. Jeez, I should've just written a general poetry article -rolls eyes-

I'm with Fand, and Snoink. Scrap it, rewrite it, and make sure you punctuate it. (This will help you: Poetry & Punctuation)

The rhyme scheme was way too simple, anyone could have written this. The lines were never the same, so it was real jumpy (consider learning how to use rhythm in poem, rhythm and rhyming go together very well.) It was navel gazing, and I felt nothing from it.

Another article by me that might help you: Emotional Poetry.

Also, other people might have said this, but noting your age, I'm guessing you are new to poetry. So I'll give my usual newbie poetry speech:

Read poetry! Read as much as you can, find it and gobble it up. Read poems on the forum, read the critiques, see what people like/don't like. Read poems by Fand, incandescences, Firestarter, Caligulas_launderette, they are all very superb poets. Read, and learn from them.

Best of luck.

I think you could have done a lot with this without rhyming. In poetry that's meant to be emotional, in my opinion rhyming limits the word choice, limits how powerful you can make it. Also, metaphors and the like would help to make this more powerful- show, don't tell. We need to know more than just a vague idea of what's going on, you need to put us there, unfold a scene for us, make us really feel like we're there, you know? Some punctuation would also help the flow of this. Anyway, I still think this was nice, I just know with some rewrites you could really write something great and I'd love to see what you can do with this!

Don't rhyme. In fact, scrap the whole poem, scrape the rhymes, and try again. Good poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just doesn't. If the rhyme comes out forced, then it's better just to give up rhyming and write the poem the way you want it to be, sans rhyme.

Hope that helps!

Punctuate it, and maybe I'll take a second look. Too often amateur poets underestimate the importance of punctuation in poetry--but it's second only (and a very, very close second) to word choice and phrasing. It tells the reader how the poem is to be read. Without it, there's really no point to the poem.

Again I didn't really like the format of this poem. When dealing with powerful emotions, you need to convey them through imagery and other poetic techniques.

Also, this line made me stumble - 'If he loved me ever so.' I know you want the rhyme but there are so many other words that rhyme with know. Plenty of better words actually. Try and expand your vocabulary, that way you'll not have to force a rhyme like this and your work will be more interesting.

Overall, the idea behind this poem is good, if not unique, and you just need to work on finding the right words.