Thrown apart.
A part of me.
Split to pieces,
I won't find.
Hidden there
where I can't seek.
Changing there
as I unwind.
Oh my place.
Where I belong.
So far away.
So changed and new.
I'll never refind
that love again
I'm broken past
the stage 'undo'.
Memories that
could have been.
My treasure
grows here as I die.
I'll never know
that life again.
I've lost what
was a part of I.
-------------------
Eh, something I tried to get out without doing such a good job. lol, tear it as needed.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Although it's been said a few times, I agree with the fact that this poem was way too jumpy.
Like kitty15 said, I really like the first two lines. The two "aparts" give rhythm and flow, even though in most poems using the same word (or simiplar words) twice makes it feel overused. Good work!
I feel some commas and periods are not needed on most lines, as it adds to the jumpiness.
Throughout the entire poem, I loved the feeling of peace and acceptance.
Great work, I really liked this poem. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Mel
The best part and the majorly beautiful effect of this peace is the rhyme and rhythm. It sounded really good. I read it out loud twice and could still hear my tounge more singing the verses than reading them.
It is a lyrical poem. Not a Dramatic one. If it was a drama, it would have been more thunderous, sudden, and at times full of poignancy. This was a mere synopsis of sentiments, with a telling, not showing of your 'dramatic' feelings.
I liked the last line, though it did seem a bit forced. So I hold back that belief.
Also, that "undo" line in the middle stanza was irritating. What was that about?
Otherwise, I liked it.
I...I don't know. I liked it, but, as Clau said, it was waaaay too jumpy. I felt like I was jerking when I read it!
Part of it definitely has to do with your line breaks. For example:
This last stanza had all the line breaks in all the wrong places. I'll tell you where I believe they could best be separated:
Do you see the difference? It's a bit more pleasing to the eye, although it's still extremely jumpy. Also, your last line doesn't even make sense gramatically. It seems as though you threw that line in to make it rhyme. This poem might even go better without rhyming; perhaps try rewriting it without the extremely short line breaks, and use a more...poetic sense. lol (If that makes any sense!)
To be honest, I did quite like your rhyming scheme. You had some good rhymes in there, but I think your flow is going to have to overrule the rhymes. Longer stanzas, and definitely better line breaks!
Nice job.
Thrown apart.
A part of me. [I love how you've used 'apart' twice but split it the second time. It really emphasised your point.]
Split to pieces,
I won't find.
Hidden there
where I can't seek.
Changing there [I'm not sure that repeating there is such a good idea...]
as I unwind. [I like the rhyme you have here. It sort of goes with the irregular, rather jagged rhythm and I think your fragmented style works with the theme of the poem.]
Oh my place.
Where I belong.
So far away.
So changed and new.
I'll never refind [I don't know why but I hate and I mean hate the use of refind here. It's not technically a real word and it just doesn't seem to fit. How about 'I'll not come across' or 'I'll never unearth' or 'I'll not encounter' or something allong similar lines. That you use again in the next line is enough for the reader to know that you had it once before if you know what I mean.]
that love again
I'm broken past
the stage 'undo'.
Memories that
could have been.
My treasure
grows here as I die.
I'll never know
that life again.
I've lost what
was a part of I. [I like the last two lines but the rest of this stanza is worded awkwardly and mostly a repeat of what you've already said. I think it could have been stronger.]
Overall, not too bad a poem and I rather like the broken flow. Work on the third stanza a bit and perhaps tell more of the story and emphasise the emotions involved.
So yeah, the way it read did seem really distracted and parts of the phrasing in this read really, really odd- also I think with this you could have shown a little more and explained a little less, if you get what I'm saying. The idea of this is nice, but maybe just play around with the structure and words and phrasing of this to make it more powerful than it is right now. All in all, a wonderful start, and I can't wait to see what you can make of this with some editing and revising and stuff!!
I like the basic idea, but it needs some work.
1-Like Claudette said it doesn't flow to well. Read over it a couple of time and listen to it or have someone else read it to you.
2-The poem has no shape or form. You don't have to have it revolve around an event, but it at least has to connect to something.
3-The last bar(was a part of I) seemed to ruin the whole piece in my opinion.
Work on it a bit and you'll have a nice poem.
The punctuation feels really odd, and the fact that the lines are so short makes it really jumpy, it just doesn't flow. At the end, I'm left thinking, "What was that about?" I don't recall anything or any feelings. So, bring out the feelings. Make them stronger, make me feel them.
You capture an abstract feeling, why not write about an event, a scene that would help you told hold this feeling down more?
Best of luck, dear.