Published March 9, 2007
The enclosure reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps and various perfumes and other bodily smells emanated off the people. Slowly the noise subsided as there eyes turned towards the middle to see a middle-aged man walking out dressed entirely in red, a inky black hat balancing proudly on his head - the rim shielding his right eye; a long bright light following his movement all the way to the centre. Once the noises halted, he spoke.
“Ladies and gentlemen... now the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” the man’s voice boomed, “the most popular act of the night featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo Alexzander and Sierra, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!”
The spectators broke out in a frenzy of applause.
The man again waited until all were quiet, “Tonight we’ll see if Alexzander and Sierra will succeed where their parents failed? Or will they fall short ending their successful career in a night?” While he spoke, he took a sideward glance at Antio, smirking malevolently.
The spectator let out sounds of amazement comprised of ooooh’s and aaaaah’s, their eyes full of wonder and hungering for entertainment.
Alexzander heard nothing as he bowed several times and smiled, arrogantly rolling his eyes, down at the peasants who wouldn’t dare try this. Though they still watched others agog, as they performed what they considered impossible; during these times it was understandable that they begged to be entertained, though on no account was this worth the extra salary he got to keep moral alive during times of war. Still, no doubt many of them had lost someone in this god-awful conflict which everyone but the religious authority and government of Loka’saw wanted to end. It had been going for twenty long years.
He knew that they all loved him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men. He gave them what they asked for and scarcely failed in any of his feats. His family was known all through the continent of Loka’saw, him especially. Before he leapt from his position of the tall wooden pillar, he looked around the sea of faces in the crowded ring, responding to the cheering by giving a final wave; arrogant as it was.
It was the most daring thing he had ever done. He felt like at this point nothing could stop him. He was invulnerable and he wouldn’t make the same mistake his father had. Alexzander Yeasa’s career would flourish and burn everlastingly!
His sister, Sierra, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him, she was a few years older than him, long blond hair elegantly decorated her face, which she always kept loose; for she had expressed to him many times that she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell. It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face. Her lips were decorated with crimson lipstick, which shimmered gracefully on her fragile youthful face. She wore silver bracelets up to her elbows so they would catch the light as she sailed through the air. All this was to make her appear more angelic than the other performers of the circus.
Alexzander smiled to him self because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still looked liked an acrobatic angel. Many of the men and adolescent boys had tried vainly to flirt and gain his sister love, but she politely refused. After she’d told him that she just wasn’t ready. She looked slightly nervous her feet shifting about. But she was ready as she looked at him again. Her face was resolute.
Their mum and dad called out encouraging words from below. He closed his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as he jumped from the platform supported by tall wooden column coloured red and blue. On the opposite side was his sister on a shorter column. His sister's job was to catch him at the last minute.
They were finally considered skilled enough to try this. He felt, not scared in the least as he could feel the wind rushing through his whole body, then he was aware of his sister grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she’d been on. Her nervousness showing as her hand was drenched with sweat.
Sierra continued.
She climbed on the trapeze, and then while it still moved, she leapt backwards on to the higher column, her beautiful long blond hair flying free.
She landed on the taller column and sighed in relief. But now it was time for her the finale. Leaping she caught with her legs and looped them round the stool; then she raised two fingers to her lips and gave a shrill whistle. Alex leapt off backwards. Still holding on with her legs she caught him with both arms and with almighty strength she threw him into the air. He landed on the stool. She whistled again and he vaulted back to his own column with his eyes still closed.
Sierra swung a few more times on trapeze performing various stunts on her own; then leapt back on to her column.
Alexzander opened his eyes as the crowd erupted into joyful applause, the bright fluorescents lights dazzling him briefly as he strained to see. He turned round and saw Sierra on his pillar smiling and blowing kisses to all her admirers. The look of nervousness she had originally vanished, there had been no reason for her to be nervous anyway. He winked at her grinning and bowed, embracing the admiration. He took one last bow as the applause continued then began his descent down the ladder.
Sierra blew a few more kisses and followed him down shortly after.
Before his foot even touched the dirt floor, his mum swept him up in a tight embrace.
“Well done! Oh, well done! You were so amazing up there, your father and I --” Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd. His tarry hair fell to his sure - but calculating green eyes. His tall stature made him stand out as he gazed at all those who seemed to worship him. He waved his lengthy arms at them before placing them on one of the pillars. Signs of a moustache were visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the wooden pole, chipping some paint off. His dad came towards them, grinning.
“Well done, both you and Sierra performed the act perfectly!” their father said heartily, “You amazed me tonight, both of you!"
Sierra came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from their parent.
"I admit, Alexzander, I was scared and worried." Sierra began clearly flustered but also excited "Weren’t you worried? Even though it felt amazing, I still worried," Sierra asked as she looked into his sharp eyes.
“Sierra, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? We were born to last.”
“Even if we were lucky tonight, doesn’t mean we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.”
“Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.”
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you! Just be careful,” Sierra continued, “I’d rather you were a little careful than be shot into the dust because you attempted to reach too high.”
“When have I ever shot too high?! You’ve nothing to fear. I’ll be careful,” Alexzander said calmly, holding back laughter of disbelief. Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
Before Sierra walked away she added, “Don’t shoot too high my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.”
“I’ll be fine!” How dare she, how dare she - accuses me of shooting too high. I’ll last, the strong and fearless last, the weak and puny fall. My dear, dear sister it shall be you who doesn’t last. Not I.
Sierra looked back, opening her mouth slightly as if she were going to add something but when she saw his livid expression she turned back round and continued to walk.
Now severely irritated, he left the big top also heading for his trailer
After all the guests had left and the older staff began to sweep up the messes left behind, the owner of the circus strode over to Alexzander’s parents.
“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have phenomenal talent and skill. They could really go places.” Chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat.
Antio took a step closer; his posture growing tense, saying, "No, no. I’ve told you before Jared I’m not interested in any such deal or undertaking with you! I may be handicap, but I know you’ve other such business Jared Lyons and I wouldn’t trust you with anything as special to me as our only son and daughter! We are family; we shall stay a family and always be a family!”
Melissa nodded in agreement her eyes full of intense hatred, “Jared Lyons, just be glad we can’t find work else where. For I’d rather I was far away from you with my family.”
“But Antio your children can really go far! They could leave and earn more money elsewhere!” added the ring master who bobbed his head in agreement to his own statement.
“No Jared you just don’t get it, do you? They’re staying here and don’t think I don’t know you’re various connections. You can’t have Sierra or Alexzander. Grow up; you call yourself a man, the girl only nineteen! She’s not yours to have.
“Very well, but remember, I started you off and could very well end your career," he sneered, "or should I say ‘family business’ like this--” With that he took the whip in his hand and cracked it on the ground, laughing at his clever example. Antio made a fist but his wife quickly grabbed his arm, preventing him from striking the man’s nose. The man stopped laughing when he saw the fist and, waving his finger to and fro, said, “Now, now, now, Antio you should try to control your temper especially as you wouldn’t last very long in a fight. Oh did you forget the little problem of walking? Too bad! Now get out my sight, Before I send your whole family on to the streets!”
Melissa and Antio decided it was time to head back to their trailers. Antio thought about how his two children had both managed ‘Blind Luck’ and had shown their teamwork skills. It made him proud to be their father. The rain spattered down creating puddles in the turf. Antio and his wife hurried along, not wanting to get their performance costumes wet. In the distance, the sounds of circus music played in a new mournful tune. The circus had been his life for so long. Many kids dreamed of running away to the circus, but he felt he needed to settle down with his family. At dinner, he thought to himself as he and his wife darted to their room, I will ask them.
As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices. He looked over his shoulder but saw nothing. He escorted his wife to her room before he pushed open his thick, wooden door. He suddenly felt uneasy; something was different but just couldn’t figure out what. He turned his head and realized the window was open. He locked it, knowing that it was shut before he left for the night. A knock interrupted the silence. “Who is it?”
“It’s Sierra. I want to talk to you,” answered the feminine voice coming from out in the rain.
“Can’t this wait for dinner?”
“No Dad, sorry, it can’t.”
“Very well,” he replied unlocking the door.
She walked in, water dripping from her clothes creating a small puddle.
“Well, my daughter, what can’t wait until dinner?”
“Its Alexzander. It scares me how he never seemed afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?”
“What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed it?” Antio eyes fell over his leg, the night coming back so vividly.
“I mean…
Suddenly he cried out agonizingly and bent over, “Arrrrrrrrrrgh…”
Sierra shot to his side her face laden with worry, “Dad! Father! You okay?”
Antio pushed her away angrily and stood up his eyes awash with tears “That was long ago… I’d rather not talk about it…”
She admired her father strength, but didn’t want him to over do it, “Father please sit down, it’s not good for you to stand without your crutch.”
He winced angrily, “Sierra, it’s a matter of pride, Jared takes all chances he can to taunt me about my problem. And sadly I’ve grown jealous of you and Alexzander success…”
Antio fell back against the seat and sighed miserably, “How can you look up to me, when you soar like a bird, totally free and I gaze with such sadness…”
Pointing towards the drawers he gestured towards his crutch, “Sierra be a dear and get my crutch, even if it makes me half of a man, I need it…”
She hated seeing her Father so miserable, but she needed to know. She gulped nervously her hands shaking, “Father were you afraid?”
Laying his head in his hands he took the crutch, “Please… please you’ve got your life, I’m half a man, don’t remind me of my failings!”
Moving a little closer she nervously probed, she had to be sure, “Father, I need to know!”
Standing up he stood over her, and looked into her eyes, “Go… now!”
Antio was left wondering who could have been in here. He remembered the talk with his boss. That man had an awful lot of power throughout this area, which worried but strengthened Antio; that man would not break up his family. He changed slowly, pulling his circus costume off until he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror. Antio was very muscular and had a white wolf tattoo howling on his back. His hair was black like ink, except in one spot where he was balding. His eyes were dark, sparkling water drops. He had short fluffy bread reaching to his neck. His features were finely chiseled. Many of his admirers loved him but they were slowly shifting towards his handsome son. Antio started to slip on his formal clothes, a pair of polished black shoes, some well-worn black trousers and his dinner jacket, almost mechanically.
He took one last look at this room; it had been his home ever since he had been taken in by the ring master. The room was nothing amazing, but to him it was home. A long narrow bed, a few knick-knacks he had collected were scattered around the room along with posters advertising and praising his performances and acts and his children’s’ shows were arranged on the walls next to his, starting with Sierra as a young girl. A wardrobe was propped against the other wall and had housed all the costumes he’d ever had. The whole boarding room seemed quaint and happy, but to Antio it was a room full of lost memories. Antio pushed the door open and headed out to meet his family for dinner, smiling.
It had stopped raining.
*******************************
Alexzander was lying on his mattress, contemplating. Sierra sure had struck his nerve. Why should he of been afraid? He’d practiced thousands of times before every time as graceful and well done as the last. He sighed, ruffling his hands through his hair in frustration. Why had her words affected him so much? Alexzander sighed. He had no time to think about these frivolous things. He hadn’t died doing the stunt and wasn’t planning on doing so. He couldn’t. His sister was just jealous at his talent. He smirked at the ingenuity of it. Well, if my dearest sister Sierra is jealous, he thought to himself, then it’s time to raise the stakes even higher!
***********************************
The circus master grinned. He posed in front of his mirror, speaking to himself in a businesslike manner, holding blank applications in his hands, “It’s not easy to find fresh talent! For god sake they have so much potential! Alexzander and Sierra, oh, how they rake in the customers. But that father of theirs, ooh, so stubborn. My, my, that could lead to some problems, don’t you agree?”
He held his hand out to his reflection before he sat down. He leaned back in his chair, running his bony fingers through his short russet hair. His dark dark brown - almost black eyes were calm, but sadistic. The crimson ringleader uniform was now creased, ruffled, and looking less magnificent than it was in the main tent. He grinned maliciously, “Maybe…” he pondered, “just maybe the father needs some good old fashioned persuasion.”
He laughed sinisterly. “When I’m finished with that snooty Antio his family would need a new manager that would be able to… walk!” He chortled, amused, adding the finishing touches onto his thoughts, knowing that nobody could accuse him of not having high ambitions.
**********************************
The chairs scuffled as the family entered. Laid on the table was no banquet, just pittance, compared to what their boss had. Some old candle sticks made up the center piece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread.
Melissa handed out the plates to everyone. Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glass for himself and his wife. Sierra and Alexzander then helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Sierra interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, he growled.
“Alex. Listen and understand; it’s not wrong to show fear!”
Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Sierra you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous and if that’s how you feel then let’s see who is best!”
Sierra stood up, knocking the chair backwards. She was stunned at her brother’s angry reaction but she stood her ground, “Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best. We’re both skilled so let’s not argue.”
Alexzander sneered, indignantly adding, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi.”
Sierra lip quivered slightly and her eyes well up with stinging tears. She then spoke taking a deep breath after each sentence, “I don’t want to fight. I want us to remain friends. I’m just concerned for you.”
Alexzander saw his parents frowning at him, hoping he wouldn’t speak, but impulsively he rolled his eyes and said. “Friend? I wouldn’t even count you as an enemy -- someone as pathetic as you.”
Sierra shrieked through her tears, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out door wailing loudly. Alexzander took one look at his Dad and saw he was angry, then he turned to his mum seeing disappointment in her face.
Alexzander knitted his eyebrows and yelled, “What?”
His mum looked at him and replied “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal.”
“Why can’t my family just get it? I wasn’t afraid!”
Melissa looked down onto the floor and Antio with blind fury in his eyes pointed towards the entrance.
Alexzander stormed out.
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139,613 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
***UPDATE
Okay, I'm back from art class, so I'll consumate the review.
<I continued to spot grammatical errors as I read the piece, but I stopped reprimanding them. Go back and revise, and check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style when you get the chance.>
thefeeling
This sentence is clumsy. Consider rephrasing it. You say he felt three times in this sentence, in reads something like he felt that he felt, which is clunky. Replace the comma before the word then with a period.
I would replace with while the trapeze still swung, since my suggestion is more specific. Still, it may just be a matter of preference.
I don't think acrobats are worshipped, or even really respected much, for that matter. Still, it's your story, you can do what you want. I think Alexzander is deluded, though you may have intended to bring that point across to the reader.
I didn't even get half-way through, as I have to go to artclass right now. I'll complete my review when I get back. As of right now, I suspect that Alex's is gonna be slapped in the face right now, but I'll just see how the story plays out.
Vernon,
First of all (again), sorry for the delay on your crit. I was supposed to have it done days ago. Yeah, well. I don’t know if I’ll be able to say anything constructive seeing as you already had swarms and swarms of awesome critter, and I only skimmed through them. Here it goes.
# 1 - Characters. Your character are, in my opinion, very well-written and had their own personalities. I really felt for your MC, Alexzander, but also for the minor characters. The audience had a lie of their own, too, and so you get top marks for characters.
# 2 - In this text there were a few awkward sentences. Those include improper use of a tense, some comma issues, using a lot of the same word (repetitive ‘she’, e.g., one after another, and then an extra one in the next sentence, too). Anyway, I’ll avoid quoting each and every sentence, lol, because that would be irritating both for you and me. Down here’ll be some examples, though my advice concerning the rest would be to read aloud some fragments. (P.S. These mostly include commas)
Quote:
Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men.
He knew = knowing (that way it won’t be run on). Comma after exhilarated.
Quote:
His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him.
Comma before ‘grinning’
Quote:
He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on
What's with the felt?
Quote:
Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd.
Run-on as it is, add a linking word, e.g. ‘and’.
Quote:
“Don’t shoot too high my brother!
Comma
Quote:
“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s!
Comma.
Quote:
“But Antio your children can really go far!
After ‘such’ expression, always comma.
Quote:
As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices.
Comma.
Quote:
Why should he of been afraid?
Have?
Quote:
Tea you’re a weakling and always will be one!
Comma.
Quote:
Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best.
Comma and whose = who’s
# 3 - Descriptions. They were absolutely fantastic, vivid and alive. The only thing I can be nitpicky about is you repeating some words like three times in only two sentences.
# 4 - Paragraphs. I decided to do a separate paragraph for this one, mostly because of the awe-inspiring chunk that you have near the beginning. It’s the only one that is so long, and it stands out not only visual-wise. At first glance, when the reader sees it, he or she just wants to skip it. Really. They even stop caring that they’ll miss something out, or that they won’t get to read such fantastic description. My advice to you is to split it. One ‘enter’, and everything’ll be fine.
# 5 Moments which could use more emotion. Your story flows wonderfully, and the characters are more or less brilliant, but at some points I feel a certain scene is done to quickly, that it is rushed. That the transfer between one emotion and the other is not smooth enough. That it’s just blunt, and in the negative sense of the word. An example of this is the conversation between the owners of the circus and Alexzander’s parents. I would like to see a more smooth transfer, and suggest adding more descriptions there, tags, emotions, body language, something of the sort. (The ending was good - just more through the conversation, and upon thinking about it a little longer, ignore what I said and add more facial expressions and general body language and everything’ll be awesome.
Also, the part where you have lots and lots (well, not so very lots) of dialogue, and no tags. Add at least some? Body language? (And no, this is not only me looking for more of those, no, not at all, no…)
# 6 Things that do not seem to fit into any category, but I’ll mention just because I’m a horrible, nitpicky crit who grumbles whatever you might do:
Quote:
Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
I suppose it can be this way it truly can. I think, however, that expanding it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. I mean, I already know a lot about his character, and the sentence fits it, but it’s a little… blunt?
Quote:
They could really go places
I don’t understand this. At first I didn’t want to post it - cause it will probably turn out that I’m acting a bit stupid and this is just some weird English thingy - but then if it can be as it is, you’ll be nice and PM me with its meaning. (also, the chuckle after it: lower case, and comma before the ending quotes)
# 7 Multiple POVs - I think that was a really good idea, generally.
# 8 Plot. I’ve probably said this already (it really is late) but - very nice. Your story really drew me in - it did, really.
Okay, so that is the end of my critique on chapter one : ) If I said something weird (it is quite late, and I might have said some stupid things…), or if you have any questions - PM me.
Cheers,
Esme
(In case it's not obvious since it's so small, a comma should probably be there.)
No comma needed here.
First, no comma needed there. Second, I think that sentence should either read "he felt his sister grasp his hands" or "he felt his sister's hands grasp his".
One of those words needs to go. You get to choose which one. XD
I'm not sure if that - is right for this sentence.
Minor typo, you missed the i lol.
Comma.
Lowercase.
Should be a comma there, and (this bit is merely a suggestion) I'd personally make that "added the ringmaster, bobbing his head in agreement".
I'd put his thoughts in italics.
Should "what" be "that"? I think "preformed" needs to be "performed".
*dies* Aiyah, I hate this mistake, because so many people do it lol. Try "Why should he have been afraid?".
god --> God's
whose --> who's
Tea --> Tea's
well --> welled
"The" and comma.
Overall... very nice plot. As I've mentioned, it's not something I've seen before (not that I read a whole lot) and I'm interested to see where it goes. Having said that, I remember some stuff that happened when I last read it, so... lol. Whatever.
- Mattstor!!
The first thing I noticed was that this is kind of long, and for some people it might be kind of hard to concentrate on reading this well enough to give a comment, though that might just be me. I think maybe some other way of introducing the characters other than just telling us every little thing about them might make the beginning (and your characters themselves) more intriguing and hook the reader...
His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him.
I'm not sure about grinning intently...when I think of the word intently it's usually someone looking...so maybe she's looking intently while she's grinning...
But now it was time for her the finale.
Either her or the needs to be removed...
...then began his decent down the ladder.
Descent.
“Brother, even if we were lucky tonight, doesn’t mean we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.”
“Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.”
I think maybe you need to work on your dialogue a little...this sounds just awkward and stiff, ya know? There seems to be a lot of affection between bro and sis in this, but from the dialogue I'm not sure, the interaction just isn't there for me.
So I don't have time to read all of this, but I'll definitely be back to check the rest out later...all I can say is that maybe work on your dialogue, otherwise this looks good and has the potential to be absolutely unbelievably awesome with time I think.
Hi Siegfried!
Ok! I read it and I really liked it!
It caught my attention, and I liked the dramatic moments! I also like how the story goes right into the action! I'll read more!
~PN
Hehehe, you're much improved than you were when I last critiqued you. In fact, I was kind of stunned by the improvement... you wouldn't think that much improvement in that short a time was even possible. O_o
With that said, this critique might be a little tough, but it's tough because I hope you can improve even further. Heck, you soon might be the finest fiction writer in YWS with the way you've been moving.
So here it is. Enjoy?
The rule of three dictates that it is better to describe three things than just two. At the moment, you have two things. Find something else to add as far as description goes.
Maybe too many rings?
Grammatically correct, it would be:
“Ladies and gentlemen -- now the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” the man’s voice boomed. “The most popular act of the night featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo of Alexzander and Tea, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck!’”
I don't think the adjective "riotous" is needed.
You have a run on sentence here. It should probably be:
Alexzander bowed several times and smiled. He knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilerated, like a god among men.
The last sentence is not needed. The other sentence needs to be refined so it's more of a transition sentence and less of a filler.
The words "position of" weaken the sentence. Get rid of it. Also, you might want to describe us what exactly he's doing so that we can envision it in our minds.
...I don't think you need this. It tells us his emotions, but I would rather, at this point, know what he's doing.
I like this description because it shows us that his sister is grinning at him and sh's on a smaller pillar, which hints as to what she's doing.
...this description is slightly unnerving because it's very incestuous. I mean, do brothers usually think this way of their older sisters? I think not. She might be very pretty in your mind's eyes, but remember, unless he's romantically involved with her, he probably would not be thinking this. And face it -- it's kind of creepy.
With this said, maybe he would be thinking of other things as if her position on the platform, whether she looks ready for him or not, or something of that nature which shows his business.
...maybe I've been to different circuses, but we usually cheer after they accomplish the feat?
So NOW you describe it all. Unfortunately, while you could have described it before in short bursts, this comes out as an info dump. Spread out your descriptions for a better effect. Also, remember, adding character in between scenes is good. And no, no just, "He felt exhilerated." That's called telling. You want to show us what's going on, which means you have to describe more precisely what is going on.
...why...? Couldn't she do this once he got offstage?
You're using too many adjectives to describe him.
A period should be after "father."
Too many weird verbs in one sentence. I would write it as such:
Tea came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander. Before he could say anything, she pulled him away from their parents.
Hahaha... maybe there IS incest?
Um... what sister in her right mind would call him, "brother?" Also, I would think that if ANYTHING, she should be more confident than him because she is the oldest.
Instead of "said cockily" I think it would be better if you said, "laughed."
Get rid of "genuine concern in her voice." You already imply that.
...I don't think I've ever heard dialogue like this before. O_o
But what does he THINK about this exchange??? Unless he doesn't think at all...
Get rid of "Chucled the man in the dazzling red costume." That's not even a complete sentence.
He didn't say anything anything about them being separated. So either Antio has a hearing problem, or you're trying to artificially create a problem. Either change the owner's dialogue or change Antio's reaction.
Okay. This is making less sense. Why would the owner sell his asset and just give it up so freely? It doesn't make sense.
... wow. Special.
This dialogue is making no sense. All he said was his children were wonderful and then, for some weird reason, you have assume that this means he wants them to go away from their father. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. If you want to have him make an assumption, you HAVE to describe it so that the reader is not completely in the dark.
Grr...
I'm tempted to give up, but since you asked, I will continue...
...um. No. If you're the owner, you DO NOT say (unless you are a complete moron) that you can just kick them out when, in fact, they are giving you money. ESPECIALLY after you tell them that they could easily go elsewhere and get more money. This is making no sense... ><;;
I think it would be awesome to have more description of the circus grounds.
My dad would grumble. Give us clues on what's going on by telling their actions.
Get rid of " creating a small puddle."
What does he sound like?
"Father" should be capitalized unless it's preceded by a possessive word.
Typo: should be "performed." Also, queried is a little bit too much... I would get rid of "queired the man."
Mother should be capitalized.
If I were her, I might say something like, "I know, but can you tell me anyway?" Realistic dialogue is often short and pithy. The description of what they're saying can be told usually through narrative without butchering the dialogue.
I would write:
"I was terrified. All that prevented me..."
So just split up the sentences.
Grr. Better grammar! It should be:
"My fears are confirmed..." she whispered, her eyes flickering with worry. She smiled at her father. "I must go now. Thank you, Father. See you at dinner!"
With that said... if her father is not dead, he would probably interrupt her and say, "What fears?" Or something to that extent, if he cared at all.
Could have been in what?
Why is he thinking about this again?
This description is okay.
It should be "children's."
Um... that's a lot of costumes. Could the possibly fit?
I liked this sentence.
Um... yeah. Remember what I said "what is he thinking?" This should be put up where I said this. That way, you don't have to put all these stars here.
... this makes no sense. Why is he evil again? And... um... why?
Who cares about their boss?
Should be: "...wedding present -- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery -- lay organized..."
The words "freshly baked" should be written as, "freshly-baked." Also, get rid of the word "aromatic."
Vary the sentence structure to make it more intersting to the reader.
Show fear? You mean "be afraid."
GRR! How old is this immature brat?
...are their parents watching this?
Foreign words should be italicized.
SHE IS SUCH A WEAKLING. You mean they've had fights for how long and she can't handle this one? I don't know about you, but as an older sister, if my younger brother is in my way, I would whoop his ass.
His parents are stupid wimps. Yep. I know mine would usually interfere if it gets this bad. But no. They are cardboard cut-outs.
Dude. She's crying and yelling... but who is as civil as that? Her dialogue is too calm.
He's acting like he's five years old. O_o
I want to know more about what Antio is thinking.
I do like your ending sentences.
Okay! So there you go. As mentioned before, it is a little hard, but I know you can take criticism fairly well and -- better yet -- improve exponentially, so I'm not too worried about it. Keep writing and improving!
First of all "heavenly golden" sounds wrong and is wrong. "golden" is an adjective, and then you add "heavenly" to that. Describing an adjective? If anything change it to "Heavenly gold" or cut the heavenly (fluff just doesn't come off good, it's better to have less adjectives than too many) and say golden. No comma after "Thick"
I really don't like that you stop and do a lot of 'background' telling in the paragraph about Alex (I'm going to call Alexzander alex for short) and then in the paragraph and Tea you go on and on and on about her looks, but yet we got nothing on Alex's looks. Seemed unbalanced.
Supported by a tall wooden... And that second sentence? You already said that.
the comma, and the sentence here, makes no sense. Just say "He didn't feel".
Sorry, but I'm going to stop reading for the simply fact that you are missing minor important words (usually articles like the/a/an) and your commas are totally...out of wack. Here is a very good example of a reason why you should work on your grammar:
That is one whole sentence. Read through it, there are certain sections where you are missing minor (but important) words, and where you should have commas. Not to mention...why on earth is that one whole sentence?
Sorry, I just can't concentrate and nor do I have the will power to do a whole lot of line-by-line editing right now.
Well done. As i just told you in eth Chatroom i cant really say much everyone else has done so before me
SO I WILL JUST CLAP ESTAICALLY.
Very nicely written! I can't wait to read the rest!
Other than a few minor mistakes, I saw nothing wrong with it. You're an excellent writer!
AG
Well there you go. My sleepy eyes can't detect others anymore so yeahh...
-Farah
Hey Sieg. I thought I'd start again and comment as I went through, so here I am.
They could really go places.” Chuckled
That doesn't need to be a new sentance.
Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed it?”
*performed
They were the only things I could find. So, it's really late, but good work all the same lol. I like how you start rounding out the characters early on, so the reader can care about them. Anyway, on to Part 2 now!
-Mat
I apologise if any of it was unnecessary, but this is how I've always critiqued and I've never received any complaints in two years of doing it this way. I know I find critiques like this the most valuable because I get the reader's impressions and thoughts throughout. It doesn't mean that I have to take note of it if I disagree, but it makes me aware that it MIGHT be a problem and I look out for it in further critiques.
Siegfriend did also tell me he was happy to receive a harsh critique, so I don't see a problem. I will, however, be careful in future. Thanks for letting me know.
Imelda, I know that you're not saying what you're saying to be mean but some of your crit is a bit unnedded.
For one thing this is the fantasy forum, realism is not needed here. Your comments on grammar and word usage are good but your constant opinion on every tiny thing is a bit "over the top" as you said.
I'm not trying to yell at you but you need to be more considerate to other people and their creative process. You intruded a bit on Siegfried's creativity commenting on the Eyelashes and "Shouldn't he investigate?" If you're writing the story then by al means investigate. "I thought they had trailers" Trailers have rooms too, dear.
On YWS we usually tell the author what we thought was good, punctuation problems, word usage, and flow disruption(Awkward sentences.) Not how we think they should have written it.
Just be a little more considerate next time.
Ok, I'm done now. I'll add here that this is only a critique--you take from it what is useful and ignore what is not. It's my opinion, and while I'm an experienced critiquer, reader, and writer, I'm not a professional (yet *crosses fingers*) and I'm not God, so my opinion is not always right. I hope you find something useful in this critique!
Well I think there are some definite good points to this story. The circus setting is nothing I've seen before, so points for that. You've also started to develop a story and an antagonist, which is awesome--I see so many people who don't give hints for aaaaaaggggges and it's quite frustrating. So wahey for that. You obviously have a talent for visualising the action, but I think you could do with working on transmitting it to paper, as it's very clear in some parts (the dining scene) and almost completely absent in others (Antio and Tea's conversation). It's just a case of getting it consistent, and I see enough talent here that I think you can do it.
I think, from what I've read, that your major weakness is character motivation--they seem to switch from one train of thought or emotion to another with little or no transition, which is rather jarring and certainly detracted from my experience while reading it. I'd suggest that you spend some time watching people (it's fun! Just don't stalk people and don't tell them I told you to do it.
I hope you won't be discouraged by any of my comments--you have definite potential, I can see that clearly, and I'm just trying to be honest and point out the flaws. If you don't know your weaknesses, it's a lot harder to fix them, right?
If you think you can bear another critique (:p) from me, then I'll have a look at chapter two. And rest assured that that is a compliment--if this was terrible, I'd be making excuses right now about how I'd love to critique the rest but I'm too busy. I'm AM busy, I have a huuuuge pile of critting building up, but I'll put you in it if you want, because I'd like to see you improve and meet your full potential.
Best wishes, and *insert comment less serious than 'best wishes'
Imelda
I think your basic story line is great, there are some parts i think you breezed through and should of elaborated on, but mostly ti all holds together well, you have alot of odd grammer mistakes where you miss out an s or your sentences are muddled a bit.
But on the whole its good and from what i hve seen other people have already commetned on the errors i saw.
Chapter one dow, now only what, 10 more to go, lol
I'm not going to point out the grammar mistakes since everyone else already has. I've never read a story about circus performers so this a good and new idea. You had good descriptions that will definitely help readers understand the characters and their surroundings. You confused me a little when you said
This makes sense, but then you go on to say This sound like a nice meal to me. Crystal glasses? They seem pretty well off to me. If this was a meal meant for a special occasion and they normally have a meager meal than you need to say that. Other than that I really enjoyed the story.#Queen of the Pirates#
You impressed me with this. I found some minor errors throughout. Alot of them were simmiliar to these:
which stood out of her powdered face.
Should be:
...which stood out on her powdered face.
Alexzander
Should be:
Alexander
There are more errors like this throughout the story, but the story itself, aside from its errors, was an engrossing read that I found pretty enjoyable. Not a horror story, but a good story none-the-less. Peace!
I concur, he has improved from his previous works. I read them and I was like "Man this story owns the other ones badly."
Well, a lot of people have already said a lot of the things I noticed, but I'll help how I can.
You need commas when using a direct address. What is a direct address? "As you can see, Michael, I am tired." In this case, Michael is the direct address, and you can see that there is a comma on both sides of Michael. Now, to apply it to your story...
Firstly, this was very good. You really have improved - a lot. Your characters are strong and make me want to read more; you have some pretty good description and I love some of your dialogue. This is a powerful beginning and I am excited to keep reading it.
Now, this has been mentioned before, but you have some grammar issues. I am not going to go through the entire story and point out every grammatical mistake, but I will give you some rules, so you can go back and proofread it.
1. Commas
Here, Father is the direct address, so you need a comma before 'Father' as well as after.
In red is your clause. It must be separated by a comma before 'making'
There were some other comma issues you had, but proofreading should fix them.
2. Run-on sentences. People have said it before me, so I'm just going to reiterate. A comma does not separate two complete sentences without a conjunction.
Besides that, just a few little things...
First, decent should be descent. Begun should be began so it reads "then began his descent down the ladder. Tea blew (I think you need 'a' here) few more kisses, and then began to her descent down."
Under the cheering doesn't sound right. And I totally did not understand that second sentence.
I corrected some grammar stuff up there, just because I couldn't resist. The realm reason I pulled this part: you say he smiles with malicious intent, and that seems a bit obvious. If the ring leader is jeering, it is implied he has malicious intent.
All right. Here is a perfect example of your need to cary sentence structures. Try writing down all the first words of each sentence and see how repeitive they are. You doubltessly see a sea of he's and his's. This is good description, but you need to vary the sentence structure to catch out attention. When editing your story, look other places for this as well.
In all, this was very good. I'll read the second chapter when I have more time. Nicely done and keep writing.
Okay, now I know who these people are, it makes more sense since I read #2 first. And I love this story, it's so different. I don't think I've ever read a strory that had to do with a circus either and it's really interesting! I didn't find anything wrong here and of course everyone else already pointed out the important things. So I only give my praise.
You're a great writer, I'll keep up with this.
Keep at it!
~Rieda
Okay erm about the meal the Crystal Glasses were a wedding gift and that meal was a well done for Tea and Alexzander. Also you will see.
Well. I'll give it a shot
You need a comma between sister and tea. you need an A between was and few. I would change he was to him so it deminishes repetition. The sentence is a run on it seems since you could make into several and you used she like 5 times. Repetition can bore the reader. The next part shiuld be golden not gold. And the sentence about her braclet is a major repeat. cause you call them silver and then say when light hits them they look silver.
I have a very clear picture of this girl. She is described well.
I didn't think you needed the down. I got butterflies reading this paragraph. I felt like i was falling for a second. Very good description.
Confused! Why are there two Paragraphs of the samething?
You need a comma between sister and your and you used the asme transition twice.
I really like the dialouge. It gave your chracters a great deal of depth very quickly. Alax is ver arrogant. I kinda wanna smack him.
I'm sure you know why that's green. And the red is plural possesive and you arre only referring to Alax.
Needs a period after mother or continue it with in agreement.
when you make a quoteation in a quote you use the ' and if it ends on the end like you did it's like this '"
This, is a tense change and should be changed. The second part should have an and instead of a periond and him. I would change the really cause it's a bit blocky and disturbs the flow.
I read the rest and it's mostly a repetiton of the same kinds of mistakes. I like the story though. The Circus is so great! I look forward to reading more
there are a few things you could do to improve this piece of writing. for example
1. you seem to start sentences a lot with "he" (he did this, he did that etc) this get annoying to the reader after a while. try to vary your sentence beginnings, making it more interesting and fluent.
2. puntuation is a little bit of a problem. you need to learn where to use full stops and comma's and where not to use them. For example, "Ehat can't wait for dinner Tea" would make much more sence if said like "What can't want for dinner, Tea". Sometimes your sentences are too short and straight forward and could be joined together. Many times you can just do away with the full stop!
3. Although you obviously wish to stress that the family is not as well off as the ringleader, think about what you're giving them! red Wine in an antique crystal glass...? What was it? Roast Chicken? Beef? Potatoes? they seem very well off to me! I would like to see what the ringleader eats!!!
4. finally, you often miss out words. Simple stuff like "and" and "then" etc. read over your work several times before you post it, making sure everything is in perfect order. and if you do post it and there is a mistake, correct it immediately, don't leave it till later! You'll only get more annoying reviews like this one reminding you about things you already know!!
But i like the characters. I think it's a nice idea and if you want, i will read more when you post it. And if you want, i could edit your work free of charge before you post it? just send it to me (in bits if you want) in a PM and i'll take a closer look at it. It's all your choice though...
yours
BlackDove!
Okay... well, I'm not going to point out the grammer. (they have done that already I'm sure)
But I'm interested. A story about a circus preformer? Not one of the usual stories I read
It could do with some rethinking of the sentences. Some are very long, and lose momentum by the end.
But other then that, It's a good first part or so. I'll be looking out for more.
Au revior!
Let’s see what I can find in here then *rummages*…
Lights shone This feels a bit vague at the start. At the beginning, you want to dazzle the reader with your skill and brilliance. Perhaps you could rephrase this sentence I suggest something like “[i]The room reverberated with noise and lights shone from glittering lamps”
A man then walked into ring and everyone stopped speaking as he began. “We will now have a favourite in tonight's show Alexzander and his sister Tea performing their Mother and Father’s Signature feat “Blind Luck!!” Now, you have great imagery, but I think this could be made easier to read.
A voice spoke out from a man who walked out into the ring, instantly everyone fell silent. “We will now have a favourite in tonight’s show,” his voice boomed, “Alaxzander and his sister, Tea, will perform their mother and father’s signature feat “Blind Luck”!” I think that makes it nicer on the old mind.
They all wanted him. Argh, this gives me the creeps! Hmm…I think ‘He knew this’ and ‘they all wanted him’ could be merged together. he knew that they all wanted him and it made him feel amazing.
He stood ready to jumped and looked around, the circus was sure packed. The effect of this sentence gets a bit lost, which we don’t want. He stood, ready to jump. He looked around, a fleeting glimpse. The Circus was sure packed. oh…I don’t think my suggestion was any better heh! XD
I love the image. Though it can be made to be irresistible with a bit of tweaking.
His sister Tea You don’t have to introduce her again. The reader already know her relationship with Alexzander.
her arms shone in light making her arms appear pure silver, but she was only wearing silver bracelets on her arms Hmm…I’m not sure what to suggest here. You’ve repeated ‘arms’ and ‘silver’ too much. Maybe you should make it shorter. …she wore silver bracelets on her arms so when the light shone on them, they looked pure silver yes? No? bah!
His mum and dad below him encouraged him. Reorder this because it sounds a bit awkward. His mum and Dad encouraged him from below
grinning from ear to ear and jumped a slight change grinning from ear to ear as he jumped…or maybe not hehe
Nothing more to add on this paragraph XD
You need to chop this up…the grammar in it is slightly wrong.
He was down first and his mum swooped him up in a tight hug.
“Well done, oh well done,” her voice faded, Alexzander could hear no more under the cheering. His tarry hair feel ear lever with his inquisitive green eyes. His tall stature stood out along with his lengthy arms and legs. A beginning of a moustache was visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the hardwood of the pillar, chipping some paint off. His mum let go of him just when his dad came towards them, grinning.
“Wow, both of you and tea performed your Mother's and my feat!” his dad yelled, thrilled. “You amazed me tonight, both of you!" Tea came up from behind him beaming hard and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from the parents.
I changed it slightly so you can see an alternative…but please, you feel as if I’m trying to change it. I’m using it as an example.
We discussed this earlier…so I’m sure you can make this easier to understand. I like the conversational tone in the dialogue…you definitely know how to write speech so not pointer in there.
I like how you use their names in this part…a nice change methinks.
went out Try to avoid using ‘went’.
You’ve improved in this part, I don’t think I can pick out anything which leaps out. Ah! Found something.
something was different he just couldn’t figure what I think a comma would do nicely or ‘but’.
Ahh…I’m slightly confused. You need to go over this and smooth out these long lines. Remember, break them up. I’ll leave this for you to sort out…so when I look back, it shall be nice and smoooooooth
except for one spot where he was balding you’ve already said he was balding…no need to say it again.
Nice ending…very good.
I hope I helped…if I haven’t, I have just wasted 45 minutes. Oh dear!
Happy Writing,
Jesseble[/quote]
Hey there, you. I've read your story, as you know, but I wanted to comment to you as well. Like I've told you, your story is really good. I like it a lot, minus the little errors with your grammar and punct. But, I won't blab on to you about that, being as I know you already know. So...yeah.
Good job, V!
*~Aquarius Angel~*
I apologize to reiterate, but reiterate I must: Your grammar is awful, man. I'll try and go blow by blow with this, but there's so much fine-tuning needed, I don't think I can hit it all. But I hope the following is helpful.
A man then walked into ring, everyone stopped speaking as he began.
Eliminate the , and replace it with "and." Or keep the , but still add and. It gives the sentence a smoother flow.
Get rid of any and all boldfaced items. Emphasize by italics, or by wordchoice. Anything else screams "AMATEUR" at your reader.
A riotous cheer broke out with an ovation of applause, Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, they all wanted him, he knew this, and it made him feel amazing.
This is a run-on sentence. The first clause should be its own sentence, or you should place an and before Alexzander. Why the "z" in his name, by the way? It seems weird, but I guess it's fine if you want it there.
His family were known all through the land, him especially.
Agreement issue here. "was," not were. I know it's confusing because it's a plural concept, but family is a single unit.
He stood ready to jump and looked around, the circus was sure packed, he thought.
It should be "the circus is sure packed," since his thought would be in the present.
The acrobatic feat wasn't really well described, no offense. I'd suggest working on that aspect of it.
Paragraph starting: "He was down first . . ." You missed the ending quotation of the mom's comment.
A beginning of a moustache was visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the hardwood of the pillar chipping some paint off.
Put a comma after pillar.
Wow both you and Tea preformed mine and your Mother's feat, you amazed me tonight both of you! Recast: "Wow, both you and tea performed your Mother's and my feat! You amazed me tonight, both of you!"
Tea came up from behind him beaming so hard and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from the parents.
Beaming so hard? Strikes me as an odd phrase.
I admit Alexzander I was scared and worried. How can you not worry? Even though it feels amazing I still worry. "I admit, Alexander, that I was scared and worried. How can you not worry? Even though it feels amazing, I still worry."
Sister we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? We were born under lucky stars. Add a comma after sister.
My brother, even if we were lucky it never lasts forever... I worry sometimes that our luck will run out. Cut out "My brother," it's too formal. Change were to "are."
It's not me I'm worried about it is you brother just be careful I'd rather you were a little careful than be paralysed, because you reached too high. Another recast: "It's not me I'm worried about, it is you, brother. Just be careful; I'd rather you were a little careful than be paralyzed. Sometimes, you reach too high."
Sister when have I ever shot too high? Cut out sister. It's getting silly, lol. Siblings aren't that formal with each other, and this isn't epic poetry.
Sister your fear will not manifest into reality "Your fear will not manifest into reality." Seems a little poetic for this conversation, still.
After the show the circus owner strode over to Alexzander, Mother and Father,
After the show, the circus owner strode over to Alexander, and their mother and father.
The Mother and Father bowed, he continued,
The parents bowed, and he continued:
You're children have amazing skill . . .
Your children have amazing skill.
The father walked up to him,
The father walked up to him. Or
The father walked up to him, saying, "No . . ."
You make the action of a person about to speak and the speaking itself separate paragraphs a lot. That's not necessary. In fact, I'd advise doing it only rarely.
His wife suddenly grabbed his arm, preventing him from striking.
Suddenly is a bad word here. It implies quickness with an element of surprise. I'm not really surprised by the mother doing this. Try another word, perhaps something like "desparately," or "hurriedly," or something like that.
No buts we shall talk about it with our children over dinner.
Should be "No buts. We shall talk about it with our children over dinner."
His two children had both managed, had shown their teamwork skills today and it made him glad to be their father.
I take the italics to connote thinking. So why the third person, still? If it's not his thoughts, then take out the italics.
In the distance, he could hear the sounds of the circus, the music and cheering, it had been his life for so long.
Make the last comma a semicolon, to connote the conclusion.
Many kids dreamed of running away to circus, but he felt now that he needed to settle down, he would see what his family would say.
Again, there's a transition here. Maybe a "so" after the last comma.
Mistakes in the dialogue between Antio and Tea: You fail to properly reconcile between words spoken and return to prose. I.e.:
"I like mustard." Said the Mouse.
That's wrong.
"I like mustard," said the mouse.
That's right. Fix those, I'm not going to point them all out.
Sometimes, you end your questions with periods, like, "Can't this wait for dinner, Tea." Why?
he replied unlocking the door. Put a comma after replied.
Yes Father, I do mean when you first tried it with Mother? That's not a question.
She sighed and pulled out a Wicca chair to sit on. Wicca is a religion which believes in a sort of neo-witchcraft. Wicker is what chairs can sometimes be made out of. You choose which term you really want here.
Well, that's enough, I suppose. Just remember; mark natural transitions in your speaking somehow. Reread your work. Make sure you give time for your reader to pause, and grade your pauses differently, depending on the disparity in ideas. Look for punctuation errors, and try to make your conversations feel natural. The story is nice and interesting, you do a good job with that. You also do a nice job at setting mood and showing characters' personalities. Keep at it!
Like I said, this is good and the characters make me want to read this more.
It's funny that I told you to make this a fantasy, as I plan to write something starting in the circus grr lol.
This reminds me of Final Fantasy 9, where the main character works with a band of entertainers whom travel on a flying ship.
The problem is the grammer Vernon, the grammer in this is terrible.
I agree with Ofour, your wording could use A LOT of help. I had to reread some sentences four or five times before I understood what you were trying to say. I can see that they have a unique way of speaking, but no reader is gonna want to read something if they have to continuously ask "what does this author mean???"
It's a great plot though, very interesting.
~me~
Ofour about his name Alexzander is his name. Okay also I know about grammar, but it took so long showing people in chat room. So put it on. Remember it is his name. Also edited it, got someone to help me.
"Lights shone and room reverberated with noise." - I think you mean "the room".
"as he begun" - "began".
"in tonight show Alezander" - "tonight's", and I'm not sure if that name is supposed to be "Alezander", maybe "Alexander"?
"A riotous cheer and clapping begun" - "began". You do this lots of times, I won't correct the other ones.
"Alexzander" -? You do this a few times.
"Him and his family were known all through the land, him especially." - I wouldn't put the "Him and" at the start.
"He stood ready to jump and looked around the circus was sure packed he thought." - full stop after "around". "he thought" should not be in italics.
"It was most daring thing he had done." - I'd put an "ever" between "had" and "done".
"Her azure eyes were ringed with golden eyelashes and stood out of her powdered face." - the "and" should be "which".
"her arms shone in light making her arms appear pure silver, but she was only wearing silver bracelets on her arms." - you repeat "her arms" three times there, try and get around that.
"His Mum and Dad below him encouraging him." - "encouraged".
"His sister job was to catch him at last minute." -"sister's"
"He was finally, considered skilled enough to try this." - no comma needed.
"He fell not scared in the least," - comma after "fell".
"He winked at her and bowed embracing the admiration." - comma after "bowed".
"He was down first and was swooped up, immediately by his Mum in tight hug." - no comma needed.
"but Alexzander could hear no more under cheering" - under "the" cheering.
"A beginning of a moustache was visible under his nose over." - ?
"His long fingers danced on hardwood of pillar chipping some paint off." - on "the" hardwood. Comma after "pillar".
"Wow both you and Tea preformed mine and your Mother feat," - "Mother's".
"Then walked over to Alexzander " - needs a full-stop.
"My brother even if we were lucky it never lasts forever " - comma after "vrother" and full-stop after "forever".
"Never fear sister people like us don’t burn out like fireworks we shoot towards the stars." - full-stop after "sister". Colon after "fireworks".
Ok, I'm going to stop correcting apostrophes, commas, full-stops etc. Please re-read this and recognise the places where you need punctuation.
"His two children had both managed… had shown their teamwork skills today and he it made him glad to there father." - what?
"Antio pushed the fabric back of tent and went out." - what?
To be honest, your spelling and grammar are terrible. This was a very good story, with interesting characters, a lively plot and unique approach but it was ruined. You have to re-word many of your sentences, you miss out a lot of words. I suggest completely re-reading this very slowly and picking out all the mistakes, or gte some-one else to do it. Apart from that though it was good, I did enjoy it. The ending is left pretty open, I wonder of you will continue with it.