biancarayne

The world was a dead ocean that had won the great war between land and see in another, far off age. See should be sea here I think. Also, I'm ...

I don't recall if I read chapter two or not...I think I read chapter one and meant to comment on that, but again i have noo idea. It was like ...

Mmkay, so...the rhyming in this actually seemed to work, although some of it sounded forced, and some lines didn't rhyme at all like the other ones had...other than what something ...

They were wide and fearful, and they seemed to penetrate him Not sure what you meant by this...you said the character was a her, right? Otherwise, I do think you ...

Fangs dug into the space between my shoulder and neck earning a scream from me. The earning a scream thing sounds kind of awkward to me. The slight repetition of ...

This is definitely a very intertesting beginning, though a little rushes so everything is confusing. I think this could use some clarifying. Also, this is a little too short...maybe you ...

mmhmm...um, well for sure this is the most original piece I've ever seen (take that however you want to lol) Can't really give it a serious critique as it's not ...

Mmkay, so capitilize the i's in here. As far as the way the lines were arranged in this and the flow of it, kind of awkward. Punctuation would help and ...

Mmkay, so in the first paragraph you change tenses too much... As far as the rest of the story, I do think you should have done more introductions and expanded ...

Of course by all odds Fonnie was there, she was recording the whole ordeal. Sounds awkward...I think maybe you should rephrase that. Also, I think there should be a period ...

So yeah, impossible to really give this a serious critique because it was so hilarious- very, very random. However, like RatchetWriter said, more info on how Daniel/Harry got so evil ...

hoping to hopes...not sure what you meant by that. and yeah with this little bit it is kinda hard to say if it's good or not. although i do agree ...

I think it would be beter if you wrote twelve out instead of 12... Abruptly, An ear-splitting bell... You need to de-capitilize...err, uncapitilize?? an. Because, if I took you, all ...

she walked herself right up to me, That line right there sounded awkward to me for some reason, although I'm not exactly sure why. curiosity plagued in me, Another part ...

Splinted smiles. Did you mean splintered? It would definitely fit in better. But the record goes on skipping, sounds kind of awkward...maybe reword it? But basically I think kitty15 gave ...