Her suicide note

This was a very different poem, but I liked it a lot! The only thing that was confusing was that I thought it was going to be a rhyming poem, but then I got to the middle and it changed. But other then that I thought it was very good!

very interesting...i really liked it. even though it was an inconsistant pattern the words just seemed to work. sure the idea was a little conventional but you pulled to off. you were really able to work with the words and make them "get together". nice work!!!

after reading the first stanza, i thought the rest of them would rhyme too so it was a bit of a surprise when they didn't. i liked the idea of the poem but it was a little bit bland. i think you need more feeling. also pertaining to feeling "an emo touch to it" seems really really really out of place in this poem. that is one line i would definitely change! another less-than-perfect part is where you say "and although i disagreed/i could not contradict". why wouldn't you contradict if you disagreed? like i said before, i like the idea of the poem. i just think it needs some changes.
all the best
~abby~

Alice once again awesome job......this poem is so sad.....but i did not really understand what you meant by "that this wasn't just mine"......i mean is it that the note is for others to see....but anyways i really liked it




-Uo The lady in gray

I think that it is just the perfect length. This is very good. Some parts though had no ryme I think, and were a little bad.
Over all I really liked it.
P.S.
I don't think that this is rated R maybe PG 13.

-- M.B.Author

Good poem. It sort of lacked the rhythm a poem needs, but then again poems don't need rhythm at all. There are no rules in poetry. And for a suicide note poem, it was alright. Hope to see another one Alice.

GOOD! but it kinda stuck out to me how you used "plagued" in the 4th and 6th stanza.
other then that it was quick and to the point. GOOD.GOOD.GOOD.

Author13, the actual idea behind the poem I thought was intruging, but the way that it was presented killed any chance of it being memorable and interesting. It read like a story that was being told rather than using poetic devices and techniques to show what is happening.

More imagery and descriptions would help make this piece come alive. Drawing out the emotion of the piece will make it feel more compelling to read.

I also disagree with some of the mods about rhyming. I don't believe this piece needs rhyming. If you change the wording of the sentences and show rather than tell, then I rhyming is not compulsory.

I thought this had a lot of imagery, but it was too short and I want more. If this was a poem it didn't much qualities that a poem should have. Even so I thought this was okay.

Wow..thats really good. I only found one mistake where you didn't capitalize an I, but that was all. It's really scary when people commit suicide...anyway, nice poem. It flowed very well. Great job!


BBB

Your rythm was real weird in this poem. :\ After reading the first stanza, I expected a rhyming poem... what happened to that?!

I did like that it was original, cause, I mean, I have a horrible time trying to do that.

Anyways, try to work on it.

Wow, well to be frank, I'm not all that proud of this poem, I'm not very good at poetry, but can't find a thing thats like poetry but not quite, I'm excellent at that, whatever it is.

I think you should use quotations when she speaks, in one of my 'story' poems, my characters speak, and I use quotations. It helps people understand better, and we're used to it that way.

For me, this was OK. It was original, which is very good! But it did a lot of telling and was a lot more prose in verse, rather than poetry. Thinking of the same poem as mentioned above, mine was also very prose like, but for me, the verses and spaces gave it a feel, a needed pause. Think about this: Should this be a piece of prose, or a poem? Why would being in poem form aid this? Would it help, or hinder expressing the emotions and meanings.

Really though, congrats for being original, Alice!

There was little to no rhythem, so I didn't find this very poetic.

I found most of it to be rather ramble-y. Here, you get to the heart of what you're saying:

hidden in this poem,
she hid her heart and soul,
in this secret poem,
she hid her suicide note.

she walked herself right up to me,

That line right there sounded awkward to me for some reason, although I'm not exactly sure why.

curiosity plagued in me,

Another part that sounded awkwardly phrased to me, again though I can't say for sure exactly why just that...there's definitely bound to be a better way to word this.

I also felt that perhaps the emotions in this piece could have been a bit stronger and the images more vivid. And as people have pointed out, the rhythm could definitely be cleaned up a little bit.

Otherwise, a very nice start and I know that you can do something totally awesome with this if you keep at it!!

It was... mediocre at best. You seem to have some potential though, so keep working at it; Whence seems to have covered all of my nitpicks.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

The rhythm and rhyme were really irregular and, even though you were going for that effect, it didn't quite work. Also, I was really hoping for the cryptic message. Perhaps you could make this just a little smoother, add a bit more imagery and work on the emotions. Show how bad the persona feels and don't just imply that he loves her back. Show it through his actions towards her. He should at least attempt to follow her or call after her. The idea is good and you have a nice stroke of originality. Work on your wording and imagery. Neaten the rhyme and rhythm up a little. Have it fast paced to give the feel of being rushed and drop a rhyme or syllable here and there for the sake of irregularity and I'm sure it will be great. Let me know if you do a re-write,

Heather xx

Well, overall I really liked it because it was different. I do agree that it would be quite interesting if you were to make every other line in the poem that you wrote be a suicidal note but, the poem did say that note was only meant for their two eyes, not ours.

The only problem I had with the poem was the repetition in words. The word hand was used four separate times not including handed. Plagued also bugged me even though you only used it twice. I suppose it is because I was subconsciously still lingering on the word when I read it again a paragraph or two down.

"and as I read i realized,
that this wasn't just mine,"

I really didn't understand that part. Does it mean that he will have to share the note with her family, or that poem was written by her because she needed to tell someone what she was planning on doing? If these are totally off target I'm sorry that is just what I came up with based on what I read personally.

Other than that I really liked it.

ok well hello um there were a few mistakes in here. Um in the second paragraph the second line the 'i' should be captilized and some of the beginning of paragraphs weren't capitilized in the beginning. Except for that I thought it was very good.

Great job!

Ok...I'll be less attempt-at-witty and more honest, then.

I found it... slightly original I suppose.

The flow was strained at best and I attempted to read it aloud--an endeavor I soon gave up on. I suggest you try the same... it should clearly show the syllable-related issues.

The repetition of -='hand' in the opening stanza was awkward, and I half-expected the rest to rhyme afterward.

Upon finishing it, a reread it every-other-line style to try and find the hidden message. As far as I can tell, there wasn't one. If there was, it would be interesting...but a poor excuse for the uncomfortable nature of the piece, Considering it lacks the 'bonus-cipher', I really didn't find much at all about this poem appealing.

Better luck next time.
~Ed

good or bad whence?

well, frankly, I think you summed this up quite nicely with:

"and out popped a poem,
with an emo touch to it,

It felt as though it was rushed,
containing no beat or rhyme, "