Young Writers Society

Thank you to all that have commented thus far. I'll be sure to take what you have said into consideration.
And to those that have commented on the use of "splinted" in the first line: I'm trying to convey that the smiles have already been shattered and therefore need something to hold them up and/or repair them.

I rather liked this, and it seems Kitty's covered just about everything I found. The only thing I have to comment on: your refrain. It was very cliched and colorless in comparison to the rest of the poem, and the repetition didn't help at all. I'd recommend either leaving it off completely, or rewriting it into something less... irritating.

I liked it.I'll try not to repeat what Kit has said, but she makes some good points. She's right about "an add" not really working. I would suggests "adds" or, "an addition". The first stanza was good, I liked the use of the list and the record, and the final line was effective.
I'm not too sure about the next stanza. I felt "wreck" should rhyme with the end of line four, though I like the use of teh choir so I think I'd change line two as oppose to line four.
I'd get rid of "man" in stanza three as I think it's a little too colloquial for the register.I think line three needs to be splir into two lines, and that you should take "another blow" and lengthen it. I think you need another syllabyl in "and I'm lead-tongued." Maybe, "and I'm leaden-tongued"...though that doesn't seem quite right...think I'd add another word. ("I'm too lead tongued?" "I'm still lead-tongued"?), and I'd change "and either way is wrong" to "and both ways are wrong".
I liked the sentiments in the fifth verse, but it just seemed a little jerky to me.Lines two and five are too long, which disrupts the rhythm. Kit made some good suggestions for lines two and five. I liked "the lie I can't forget" part, so I think any alterations I would make to this line would be in the first half.Em...trying to think of something...this is a bit out-there, but how about:
Remorseful souls tend
The lies they can't forget"?
(Or maybe "feed" or "raise" instead of "tend"?)
I liked the last stanza, and agree about teh word "still".
Overall, I enjoyed the theme, and the sentiments were powerful, honest, and well-conveyed.You had some great imagery, and your enjambment worked well overall.Good job.

Splinted smiles.

Did you mean splintered? It would definitely fit in better.

But the record goes on skipping,

sounds kind of awkward...maybe reword it?

But basically I think kitty15 gave a very thorough review and I can't really add anything whatsoever to what she said so yeah...this was definitely a very nice start for sure, other than some phrases that did sound odd the way they were worded...did kind of sound more lyrics than poetry for some reason, though I'm not entirely sure why...

Hi there, it appears I've found a piece of your work =)

Okay, well I liked this poem but the rhythm is a little out in places and some lines could do with a little re-wording. Here's some suggestions -

Splinted smiles and barbed wire glances, [Did you mean to put splinted or was you thinking of splintered? Only there's a big difference between the two and splinted suggests that the relationship is being repaired rather than broken. If this doesn't make sense, let me know and I shall explain the difference between the words.]
An add to the list of failed romances, [The wording is a little strange here. Perhaps 'One more on the list of failed romances.']
All the while thinking:
I'm sure he meant well,
But the record goes on skipping, [This line is rather out. Maybe keeps skipping rather then goes on skipping?]
(It's my personal Hell). ['Through my personal hell' might sound better but I'm not sure and it's up to you.]

You're blind crying,
And I'm deep in the wreck,
And I'm done trying,
But the choir won't forget. [This is nice. A good rhythm and makes me wonder if this isn't more lyrics than lyrical poetry.]

The scars are painted,
But man, if looks could kill, [Make this a part of the first line. That way you keep your stanzas regular.]
Another blow: going dutch on the bill,
You're the still-frame shot,
And I'm lead-tongued,
Still, there's a fork in the road,
(And either way is wrong).

You're blind crying,
And I'm deep in the wreck,
And I'm done trying,
But the choir won't forget.

Star-gazing and black tea in the night,
It is sad hour [I'm guessing this should be how.] our flaws came out under the lights, [This line is really out of beat actually. Perhaps 'It's sad how our flaws are revealed by the light' or even 'It's sad how flaws are revealed by the light.']
All the while lying:
"We're not over yet",
I'm filled with remorse, but you're the lie I can't forget. [This line needs to be split. Maybe try -

I'm filled with remorse,
But I refuse to forget.]

You're blind crying,
And I'm deep in the wreck,
And I'm done trying,
But you're still my best regret. [Perhaps remove the still. That breaks the rhythm a little.]

Altogether, I thought this was really good and it would make an awesome song. The emotions are strong and it's easy to relate to.