Published July 19, 2007
Chapter one
A boy was looking around his classroom ignoring the lecture about the economy and the law of supply and demand. The classroom had 12 mahogany wood tables. Every table had two students, who in turn had one laptop. The laptop was used for everything, homework, test, research papers, and even class work. It was almost time to 12:00, Aiden got everything all set up leave.
Abruptly, An ear-splitting bell, told everyone that school was dismissed. Aiden was so excited about this spring break, because this was the first one that his parents were actually going to spend time with him. He jumped out of his seat, grabbing his laptop in the process. Heart beating, ears ringing, Aiden ran out of the classroom at breakneck pace.
The school bully, Trevor, stopped him in the middle of the hall, a mere 5 feet from the main door, which frustrated Aiden, severely. "If it isn't Aiden gold pants. Where you going for spring break this year, Jamaica, the Bahamas, the moon, Switzerland? If you’re so rich why do you not take this whole school to the Swiss alps?" Trevor taunted with a big fat smirk on his face.
" Because, if I took you, all I would here the entire trip is 'I want my mommy, I am so scarred, I want to go home' and other such things. On the other hand, I would be delighted to pay your way into military school." Countered Aiden with his unusual confidence, and then he walked around the speechless bully, took off to the door, running for his life.
Finally, he reached the oned grand oak doors.Before he wnet ouside he calmed himself so as not alert his chauffer what had happened for maybe the thousandth time this year. Then he walked to the black SUV waiting for him outside. When he climbed in to the back seat Rick headed toward the airport.
While he was listening to his mp3, Aiden's cell phone went off with a loud “pick me up, you idiot” as a ring tone, and he did as it said.
“Sir?” he asked. “ Son, please listen to me and do not interupt.” His dad gruffly said, in an agitated voice. “ You are going to meet me at my office, to help pick out a body guard.”
Before Aiden could restrain himself, He shouted “A bodyguard” In complete and utter disgust and shock. He absolutely loathed the privacy invaders called bodyguards.
His dad, however, had no patience right now. “I have listened to about 300 potentials and have narrowed it down to 5. You can either pick him out, or let me do it. But either way, you are getting a bodyguard, and that is final! Now, hand Rick the phone. “ Yelled his dad. Aiden knew this was no time to cross his dad, and so handed the phone to his chaffer.
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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
There isn't a how lot for me to go on here (this is a short chapter), but I definitely think it has potential.
Critiques--In the first paragraph, every sentence is "the something was", "it did" ect. Invert your sentence structure! It makes the the story flow better and more interesting.
I can't think of a book in which I've seen numbers written as their symbols--5 instead of "five". I try to avoid that and I think you should too. It's more professional to write out "five", and it's always good to show your readers that you give enough effort to write out the word. Ya know what I mean?
Besides the "wnet" problem, this sentence feels wrong. Using "so as not (to)" is such a change from the style you've been using until this point that it really throws me off. You should go back and smooth out that area.
Oh! One more thing--quotations and dialogue. Whenever someone speaks, its a new paragraph. Whenever someone new speaks, its a new paragraph. Several paragraphs have dialogue within them, which is confusing to the reader.
Anyway, hope this was helpful! This had potential. Happy typing to ya!
Ok, you have a pretty nice begginning to a story, but you have some minor problems. In some parts I noticed that you were using commas excessively,which takes away from the flow of the story. There are also a few minor punctuation and grammatical errors, which would be well worth your time to fix.
I have edited,as best as i can with my limited abbilities.
Thanks you all for the crits. I will try to edit it soon, however i will be soon reading herry potter 7, so i will get to it tueday.
Info dump, always bad.
That part seems akward, try rewording what time it is.
you can take out the part in red, and make it flow better.
Oh wow same name as the guy from mine, except spelled different, side note: his name means little fire.
Is that a new paragraph?
Try that instead of the commas, the commas are kind of confusing.
How old is Aiden? Everything before that gives the vibe of a collage student, but that makes it seem like he's in middle school or something.
take those out or try "with his heart beating and ears ringing, Aiden ran out of the classroom at a breakneck pace."
Again is that a new chapter? Put another space there.
Reverse countered and Aiden as well.
Don't be dismayed that I found so much to nit-pick at. Its actually really good. Keep it up, just keep those types of things in mind.
I think it would be beter if you wrote twelve out instead of 12...
Abruptly, An ear-splitting bell...
You need to de-capitilize...err, uncapitilize?? an.
Because, if I took you, all I would here the entire trip is 'I want my mommy, I am so scarred, I want my mommy' and other such things.
There, you repeated the I want my mommy thing twice...should be scared, not scarred...oh, and I'm not entirely sure if he would really say "other such things", it just sounds too stiff and formal.
As far as the style of the story, it's very nice and definitely has potential, although there are some things I think you could do to improve it. I think you could vary the sentence structure in this a bit more, like make it flow more, because as written alot of this sounded very, very choppy. Also, maybe a thesaurus to spice it up a bit more by replacing plainer words with more exciting ones (of course, definitely don't want to over do that.)...
Hey, DW! I was just looking through and found this one. You're lacking reviews! Sid did cover some good points though. Let's see what I come up with...
*reads*
The beginning paragraph could use some work already. You just threw it at me. Some kid is studying the look of his room. Could make it blend more? I don't know, it was choppy. Is it important to know about laptops? Is it necessary piece of information for a beginning paragraph? If not, just say something like: "Aiden started to doze off during his teacher's speech on the economy, his head lolling to one side, his eyes droopy." This has been quickly whipped up, so it's not really good, but hopefully you get the idea.
The number twelve can be written out as "twelve." It depends on the author, but you can follow one rule or another. You can:
1. Numbers twenty and less can be written out as a word
2. Numbers are just plain written out
Could you try to combine these sentences together? Maybe something like: "It was almost time to leave, so Aiden started to shutdown everything on his laptop." This is also not very good, but you get the picture, ja?
Sid is correct in saying to delete that middle clause, but *whispers* lower case "an" teehee
No comma after "spring break." Maybe you could reword it? "...because his parents would actually spend time with him for a change." *shrug*
Sid's right. combine them. But, other than that, I like how you wrote the last sentence! Bravo!
Rewrite this. "Trevor, the school bully, stopped him just five feet from the main door, which frustrated Aiden." You don't need "severely." If you need something there, don't use that word then.
Boy, Trevor's mean!
Put two dashes between "year" and "Jamaica" instead of a comma. "...this year--Jamaica, the Bahamas...?"
Not only do you need a contraction, as Sid said, put a comma after "rich." Also, use "sneered" instead of "taunted." That's probably more effective.
My, this boy is brave.
Is it natural for a bully to become speechless? I would think bullies would punch the attacker's brains out or something...
You were missing a word. (the red word ^)
Is there a better way to tell us the chauffer's name? I had to reread before I knew the name belonged to the chauffer.
Separate paragraphs might help. Also, who's "he"? Be specific
lower case "he," comma after "shouted," comma after "bodyguard" and before the end quotations, lower case "in" and too many ands at the end. I would delete "utter," but whatever works for you.
How about "He absolutely loated those privacy invaders" ?
Numbers can be written out
Overall, though, I like the story. It really does have potential. I'm worried for Aiden, and his father's so rude!
If you want anything else critiqued, let me know. If any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help. If you wish to criticize me for my super duper long, nit-picking critique, please do so. I'm serious, please criticize me if I was harsh. I never know how people can take my crits cause they never tell me if it helped, and if they do tell me, they liked my crit. So, whatever. But, seriously, if you're mad at me, PM me.
The story is good, though. I do hope you'll continue this. Never give up!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey DragonWriter,
I really liked the chapter and I think it has potential to be the beginning to any story. I did spot some little things that bugged me that would make it flow smoother if you could fix it up.
Like my band director always said, "It's better that I tell you what little things you could improve on because if I didn't then that would mean that you were playing so horrific that there was no hope."
I don't believe that sentence is needed since you already described it as ear-splitting and later in the paragraph you mention that his ears were still ringing from the bell.
I really like how that sentence gives you some history without being overly obvious.
You might want to think about combining these sentences.
First of all if you read this sentence out loud you will realize how choppy the commas make it. You should also spell out five.
You should change that to why don't you : )
I really like this paragraph, it makes me like Aiden and his quick witt. But, I would change the second I want my mommy to something other than that so it wouldn't be repeating.
I had to read this sentence I few times to realize that the doors were so big that many people had to work together to open it. But, I finally did! : ) You might want to iron it out or just take the sentence out completely.
The next sentence is a conversation that Aiden and his father were having. See, at first I thought that the conversation was between Rick and the father since it was in fact Rick's phone that was ringing. You should describe that since Rick was listening to his mp3 he answered it for him.
Sorry for the nit pickings but I think that the story has real potential! It is sort or generic first chapter that could literally turn into any kind of story but at least you let the reader know his family's relationship, where the story is going to take place, and a bit of Aiden's character. At the moment Aiden reminds me a little of Artemis Fowl. He was a genius rich kid and Aiden strikes me as a smart guy.
Anyway I really like it and I hope you continue the story!!!