Young Writers Society

I think I'll take a different approach than mentioned by the others.

Your style here is overly simplified. Now, sometimes this works, like tying up a point made previously. However, your entire opening is written in a start and stop, he did this she did this sort of manner. It comes across as not only simple, but, for lack of a more efficient word, dumb.

I think the intro could use a bit more description to break up the actions made by the characters--you could also use more clarification as to whom is doing what--your lack of names seriously impedes your ability to represent the characters. Perhaps you could describe the man as a "shadow," the girl as a "youth," on occasion? The constant "he"s and "she"s make it very muddy indeed.

On the whole, though, very fun read. Short, yes, and the ending seemed rushed, yes, but that's what editing is for, yes?

--Dono

This is better. However , I would like to see some verried beginigs. He and she are ok begings of sentens in restraint but not one after the other. ALso, did you read this? THe first pargraph does not floww. It was good at the beginnig, but it became like a spring flood rive, at the end, of the first paragraph. I also felt there was an information overload. Draw the scene out. Maybe, let the story start at where she see's the murder. DO not get discouraged though, I feel that i would love to read the full story, however remember that all stories need improvement.

The thing about suspense is that you always think short, one-word sentences and that unoriginal eerie background fit very well. But it doesn't. It's non suspenseful in that way, and only makes the reader want more [and no in the cliff-hanger way]. Also, I suggest expanding on a few ideas.

"She felt no pain though."

this is an example of how this writing is neither intruiging nor thought-provoking. If you could rephrase this, perhaps add details, it might be better.

Until next time,
The wonderful Duchess

Edited by Writersdomain: please don't use vulgar language outside of literary context. Thank you.

This was certainly a lot clearer and easier to understand. A few suggestions -

He was after her because she had seen him kill his wife.

The rain stopped a few minutes after. [Later might sound better than after?]

Her boyfriend, who knew what she was, helped her clean [s]up[/s] the wound and carefully stitched it up.

____________________

Other than that, some good imagery and a nice use of sentence length at the beginning. Keep working on this, the beginning is coming along nicely and I'd love to read more,

Heather xx

This is definitely a very intertesting beginning, though a little rushes so everything is confusing. I think this could use some clarifying. Also, this is a little too short...maybe you could stretch it all out some more, so we get even more involved with this story? Not sure...but definitely has a lot of potential for sure!

Um, weird. The girl isn't human then? The ending was too rushed; it started off fine, but at the end, you're just telling us what happened, not making it interesting.

S@C wrote:The streets were flooded and almost everyone was in their homes, waiting for the rain to stop so that they could drive to work or to wherever they needed to go.

Firt of all, I think this is very interesting in horror-movie fashion. You do a lot of things very well here with the imagery and the style, and I can tell you have a lot of raw talent. There wasn't but one problem that I would like to point out, and it's only my own opinion. Watch for things that don't make sense -

"The little girl was sitting on the swing. Motionless."

The word "swing" in itself bring to mind motion.The other swings on the set may be creaking, moving just slightly - add that if you want her to be motionless, perhaps.

Also, explain a bit more why she would die, what was going on with the girl in the playground. I'm really curious to know why, and where you're going with the story.

Work on this, reread it after a while. You have a lot of talent; any writing that makes me read past the first paragraph or so is very good. Keep writing, and never give up.

gracie