RAY AND ME

GAH! I critiqued this once already, and the whole thing erased! *kills the 'submit' button. *sigh* Ah well. Hopefully it works this time. If it doesn't, Mr. Submit Button and I aren't going to get along too well. So.... here we go again!!!!!!

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It’s just kind of weird to see your boyfriend wear more make-up then you.

Anyway, I was staring at him...

Anyway, I was staring at him (like staring at the television) with my backstage pass over my neck, daydreaming of our future.

It's [s]was[/s] really relaxing and I wish[s]ed[/s] he had more time to himself.

...maybe he loves this a lot more then I’ll ever know…

As the make-up artist and hairdressers left the room bumping into me I came alive again and took a small breath.

As the make-up artist and hairdressers leave the room, bumping into me, I come alive again and take a small breath.

Then, I noticed an odd look on Ray’s face.

He turned to me, “ Cecee get over here.”

He turn[s]ed[/s]s to me, “ Cecee get over here.”

I smiled and walked over to him, I stood behind him my hands on his shoulders. We both looked in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glowed in the room quite nicely, it shocked me.

I smile and walk over to him. I stand behind him with my hands on his shoulders. We both look in the mirror. My caramel-red skin glows in the room quite nicely; it shocks me.

Suddenly, with no warning, Ray [s]got[/s] gets up from the chair and [s]went[/s]goes to the door, calling the people back into the room. I stare[s]d[/s] at him curiously, “ What, Ray? Is one of your highlights off?”[s], [/s]Of course I said it with a playful smile.

He [s]didn’t[/s] doesn'tanswer as the hairdressers and make-up artist [s]got[/s] comein the room; he blew various commands. The first one apparently at me, “ Alicia, sit in that chair.”

It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked.

Then,he [s]said[/s] says various other things to the people in the room.

Evidently, most of it ha[s]d[/s]s to do with being polite to other people, which, according to Ray, they were not.

Then, all of a sudden, they all attack[s]ed[/s] and start poking at my hair and [s]my[/s] face. Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.

Somewhere in this... 'cautious'?? That doesn't make much sense... to me, at least.

And [s]when[/s] onceI [s]was[/s] ammade-up, head to neck, more people [s]took[/s] takeme to wardrobe.

...me to wardrobe. Which were apparently emergency outfits for Ashley Simpson.

Piss, he [s]was[/s] is like a cuter Jesse McCartney.

The male diva, I’m going to see how Ray likes it…

Finally, I [s]got[/s]get a peek into the mirror[s], I [/s]and I nearly gasp[s]ed[/s]. I looked good, really good. My hair was soft and shiny, my make-up perfect, and my out-fit topped it all off. “ I look good, dinnna nana nana Na, I knew that I would. That’s right, Ahhh!”

And I start[s]ed[/s] dancing right in there, because I [s]was[/s] amalone. Then, the door bursts open. I stop[s]ped[/s] abruptly [s]to[/s] and find Mike, the meanest manager on Earth, staring at me.

“ Uh…Hi, Mike, how are you?” I [s]said[/s] say,trying to get over the fact that I [s]was[/s] have been caught dancing while ruining a James Brown song.

Who the hell are you?” He demanded,[ he was average height, blond forty year old male. The type of man, that the moment you saw him you felt intimidated.]

“ It’s me, Alicia!”

“ It’s me! Alicia!”

Why was he always forgetting who I was? He [s]was[/s]is (i assume he still holds the position, yes?) Ray’s manager; he should know that I [s]held[/s] hold a place in Ray’s heart. In other words, he shouldn’t treat me like crap.

“ Oh, you? I thought he broke up with you…

Mike had walked in the room, by now[/b] calming (Do you mean 'now calmed'?) down a little, which was never good. He tended to say rude [s]thongs[/s] thingsin this state. “ I don’t know, Ray got those people to do it…”

“ Joking, Alicia, just...I’m not sure what [s]your[/s] you'redoing here.”

“ Ray invited me.”

I’ve known him a LOT longer then any of you have! And I should ask YOU what YOUR intentions with Ray are. You don’t know him or care about him like I do! Never!”

I was yelling so loud, and I walked out the room slamming the door. I didn’t win though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walked in a huff down the hall my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway I hear my name called.

I [s]was[/s] am yelling [s]so[/s] loudly, and I walk[s]ed[/s] out the room, slamming the door. I didn’t win, though; making a big old fuss was exactly what Mike wanted. I walk[s]ed[/s] in a huff down the hall, my arms folded across my chest and as I pass another hallway; I hear my name called.

I turn around, curious, and [s]I [/s]see Ray.With a smile, I walk[s]ed[/s] over to him, “ Hey Ray!”

Ray smile[s]d[/s]s a big smile, taking my hand, “ You look great! Wow, I thought I was the most beautiful one here, but I’m like a[s]n[/s] nine compared to your hundred.”

I laugh my utterly annoying laugh, the one I use[s]d[/s] to envy girls [s]for[/s]with, because when you have a boyfriend, laughing like a horse comes natural. “ Ray, I couldn’t believe you did that, it was sexy.”

Ray seem[s]ed[/s]s aroused at the word; I realize[s]d[/s] too late, it [s]was[/s]is because someone very weird looking is standing[s]stood[/s] next to him. Nonetheless Ashley Simpson! Wow, ugly- haired, big-nosed, boyfriend stealer Ashley Simpson! (Beware of that last one).

The word 'nonetheless' does not work in context for this type of sentence. You may need to try something else.

“ Oh, my gaaa…” Yeah, of course that was me talking.

Well. Alicia, this is—.”

“ Ashley Simpson, naturally. Hey, nice to meet you. I’m... I’m Alicia!” Like some kind of Emma Roberts reject, I [s]stuck[/s] stick out my hand and she look[s]ed[/s]s laid back and well… mean. Just a little.

“ Hi, nice to meet you. Are you a friend[s]s [/s]of Ray’s?” [She seemed nice enough in person, her hair currently blond, like maybe in real life she wasn't just like the rumors said. Made me a little guilty looking at her in person, to believe those rumors. But then again, any girl i didn't know by Ray i had to watch.]

Usually, when I [s]told[/s]tell people Ray [s]was[/s]is my boyfriend, I’d go on about our whole lives….[s] And [/s]But I couldn’t do that in front of a celebrity, nonetheless a boyfriend stealer. [ most likely]

Meeting all these celebraties and staying so calm! Ashley, don’t you just love him?”

She grab[s]bed[/s]s my arm, “ Definitely. He’s a sweetheart and he’s got all the girls after him. I think it’s so cool how he can sing Christian music and be so popular. I wish Jessica had done that…”

I smile[s]d[/s]. I [s]was[/s] am hanging out with a celebrity, walking into a back stage party, with my boyfriend!

Ray ha[s]d[/s]s a sweaty palm in my other hand, “ What’ s wrong? You never have sweaty palms.” I whisper to him; I know every particular thing about Ray and sweaty palms i[s]wa[/s]s not a good thing.

In fact, he looked a bit fatigued as we paused at the door of the party [s]and[/s] Ashley [s]went[/s]goes inside to greet all the guest, her entourage havingfinally caught-up with her.

...Ray suggest[s]ed[/s]s , pulling me back away from the door. It [s]was[/s] is like a door into another dimension, and all[s] i [/s]I [s]saw[/s] see [s]was[/s] isthe back of a certain white rapper.

"Okay, but jeez, I’ve never been to a backstage party.”

Ray smile[s]d[/s]s,ignoring my rants and pull[s]ed[/s]s me way, way down the sound stage hall into an empty sitting room.

We each s[s]a[/s]it down on a comfy couch, “ What did you want to do in here Ray?” I ask dumbly.

So, rather than tell me, he show[s]ed[/s]s me, exactly what he want[s]ed[/s]s to do and it totally help[s]ed[/s]s that the room [s]was[/s] is a bit dim. Soon, our affection of love [s]got [/s]gets carried away.

“ Ray…” I begin nervously.[s]but[/s] Embarrassed, he gets up.

“ Never mind, I’m going on in two minutes; come watch me from the side of the stage”, he[s] said[/s]says, although as we talk[s]ed[/s], we are breathing a bit shallow.

“ Wait a second,” I protest, but Ray grab[s]bed[/s]s my hand, standing me up. He rub[s]bed[/s]s my cheek a little, and I ask,“ You nervous Ray?”

“ No, not really. Usually, I pretend you’re the on the side watching me. But, this time, there’s no need [s]now[/s]. This is going to be my best performance ever.”

“ Yeah. Good thing it’s on television.” I say sarcastically.
…

However, Ray is[s]wa[/s]sn’t nervous a bit in his opening act. He look[s]ed[/s]s like he’[s]d [/s]sbeen doing the music thing for years. Seriously, the crowd [s]went[/s]goes wild, and Ray look[s]ed[/s]s so happy like he’d do this for the rest of his life with me as his main supporter, always by his side. [If that were possible].
Ray end[s]ed[/s]s up singing three songs instead of just one.

I [s]told[/s]tell him people [s]were [/s]arereally there to see him and not Ashley Simpson, but I guess he [s]thought[/s]thinks he just warm[s]ed[/s]s up the audience for her. As he walk[s]ed[/s]s off the stage, he comes and hug[s]ged[/s]s me; we are both laughing, and he says, “That was so cool, Cecee!”

“ You look like [s]your[/s]you're high, with happy!”

He [s]was[/s]is right, we can’t stop laughing and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren’t. But, of course, I see it on television later. So, we are catching our breaths [s]and[/s]when, all ofa sudden, we hear the yelling and screaming from the crowd.

It [s]took[/s]takes me a second to realize they are booing at her. It suddenly all [s]made[/s]makes sense. Ashley Simpson, 2004 Saturday night live, lip-sings losing one quarter of her loyal fans. Then, later, big ass super bowl Ashley sings the entire audience of [s]like[/s], about 34,000, boo her. Then, earlier this year, Ashley has a big concert, but she cancels because she’s sick. Sneaky photographer catches her ice-skating; fans waste 800 or more dollars on tickets and an idol.

And Ray, the hottest new artist of the year, hot guitarist Christian singer! Come on. Ashley was trying to use him to recollect her fame, and it backfired big time. I thought it was amazing how every single person could agree that she deserved a good booing. I know there’s some kind of mob terminology… Like with an angry mob that ‘s yelling at someone you could hide and say something out loud to make them change their minds or do something violent. And, these ex-fans[/b] were kind of an angry mob. So groups of people must have started booing, causing every other person to boo. Amazingly, I learned all this from a Series Of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket.

When I [s]told[/s]tell all of this to Ray, he look[s]ed[/s]s confused for a moment, “Yeah, I think her sound system got messed up…. Where’d that all come from?”

“ Live and learn, baby, live and learn.”

Ray smile[s]d[/s]s, “ That kind of turned me on…. But we’ll talk about this later, I have to save the concert.” A make[s]Make[/s]-up artist trie[s]d[/s]s to freshen Ray up, and Mike [s]was talking[/s]talks a mile a minute as Ray [s]got[/s]gets ready to hit the stage again.

[s]But [/s]Ray beg[s]an[/s]ins to walk away, but I grab[s]bed[/s] his shirt, “ Wait, must you forget so quickly?”

[s]And[/s][b]Instead of telling, I show[s]ed[/s] him exactly what I mean[s]t[/s].

I don't recall if I read chapter two or not...I think I read chapter one and meant to comment on that, but again i have noo idea.

It was like I was on autopilot and I sat down no questions asked.

I think there should be a comma after down.

Somewhere in this cautious Ray said he would be warming up.

^Not sure what you mean by that, but it might just be me...

He tended to say rude thongs in this state.

A typo here...unless you meant thongs of course, in which case no typo at all.

I realized to late

Need one more o on the end of that to...

[She seemed nice enough in person, her hair currently blond, like maybe in real life she wasn't just like the rumors said. Made me a little guilty looking at her in person, to believe those rumors. But then again, any girl i didn't know by Ray i had to watch.]

the i's need to be I's...

Soon our affection of love got carried away.

Not sure what you mean by that...affection is love, right? I think you mean expression but I dunno...


He was right we couldn’t stop laughing, and we would have seen exactly what happened if we weren’t. But of course I saw it on television later.

Obviously by that you mean whatever it was that caused the fans to boo at Ashley...well glad you know because we (the readers) still don't know

Oooh, and one last nitpick thing...the smilies are a little distracting...not sure if they're really exactly necessary or not.

Otherwise, definitely a good start! You've got some good dialogue in this I think, and the way you've written it makes it very easy and engaging to read. Although, I think maybe a wee bit more description or something would spice this up a wee bit, but otherwise, good job!