Swires

If I was too write a critique I would be just reitterating Sams and CL's points in different words. In terms of story: 1) Your style is dandy, I like ...

I have PMed the member about poor comments n stories. Now for my own comments: Well fishr wrote a piece on the piece lol. My advice will probably be a ...

He’s out now, but still He’s trapped inside his head It was an accident, but how Can he be forgiven? Im not sure if this makes sense. Its a little ...

Something, shimmering brightly, streaked through the air with a whoosh and just barely grazed her cheek. She screamed. I dislike this, it seems cluttered: forcing too much information into a ...

Ok, skimming through the beginning you make a classic mistake in my book. You start with a description. Setting is good but it really doesnt grab a reader into a ...

All comments will be in the text preceded by "//" I stood there, waiting, waiting. // to create better tension you could maybe use fragments. "I stood there. Waiting.Waiting." Staring ...

The sky over the small town was slowly filtering between colours, from a deep shade of blue night, to the roaring inferno of orange sunrise. As the light increased around ...

Ive been beaten to a full critique. This was very Narnia. Few since Lewis have used talking animals in fantasy (well few that I have read of). I arnt sure ...

You have a few long, run on sentences. The first paragraph is an example of where you write without a "." (Full stop/Period). Consider reading through and simplifying the sentences ...

Ok - I could go through and correct all the mistakes. But, this would be pointless, read this aloud and change what doesnt sound right when you are speaking. Also ...

The elf and the dwarf stared each other in eye. They knew that now was the final reckoning, the defining moment in the endless competition between the two species. ok ...

Four lines. Big deal. Where is the content, where is the story. The character is too bland to connect through a diary. I hate fictitious diaries as it is - ...

Present tense. Yuck. Possibley personal opinion but I dont like it at all - and I have a feeling editors dont like it either because of the sheer lack of ...

Ok. This is a rare comment from me. I loved it. Your style and prose is just polished to publishable perfection. It is beautiful, natural and it is if I ...

Officer 5th Class Lind Striker braced his rifle and let loose a volley of semi-automatic fire into the incoming ‘Sucker swarm. The 77-SABER kicked like the horses back home at ...