Published January 12, 2007
after watching a presentation about Road Traffic Collisions today, i thought i'd try to express one of the anecdote's we were told
---------
He’s out now, but still
He’s trapped inside his head
It was an accident, but how
Can he be forgiven?
He’s done his time.
Paid for what he did.
But is it enough to comfort those
Who lost from his mistake?
He’s lost it all,
Lost seven years
But now he’s lost,
So much more than time
“She’s dead isn’t she?”
“Yes”
Flashing blue.
Screech of brakes.
Had a chance
Gave it up
Seven years,
Gave it all
Now he has
Life
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thanks a lot Xanthan.
personally, i prefer the two lines for the last line of verse 1. it flows more to me.
what do you suggest i add in the second verse? and i realised about the "who" but i never edited. and i think a comma is needed in the first line, but it was in the wrong position.
ill edit out the commas around "now he's lost"
and yes, i think removing "yes" would work well.
so with those changes.
---------
He’s out now. But still,
he’s trapped inside his mind.
It was an accident.
But how can he be forgiven?
He’s done his time, and
paid for what he did.
But is it enough to comfort those
who lost from his mistake?
He's lost everything.
Seven years gone.
But now he’s lost
more than time
“She’s dead isn’t she?”
Flashes of blue,
and a Siren's call.
Screeches of brakes.
Haunting dreams.
He had a chance.
Gave it up.
Seven years.
Gave it all.
Now he has -
Life.
what would you suggest specifically?
The Purple Balloon covered everything I was going to say. I will add that to me it is choppy if that makes any sense. Add punctuation where it is needed and make it flow more.
thank you Claudette, glad to see that i've created a good piece of poetry in people's eyes, rather than what i normally do
anyone else got suggestions?
Just like phorcys said, very powerful. I liked how you used short lines in some places, it made it dramatic.
this is a much more powerful redraft. The poem now works and can be understood.
ok, so i'm going to make my own little changes, and repost here to show comparison between the old and new, i've taken Adam's ideas into account
--------------
He’s out now. But still,
he’s trapped inside his mind.
It was an accident.
But how can he be forgiven?
He’s done his time and,
paid for what he did.
But is it enough to comfort those
Who lost from his mistake?
He's lost everything.
Seven years gone.
But, now he’s lost,
more than time
“She’s dead isn’t she?”
“Yes”
Flashes of blue,
and a Siren's call.
Screeches of brakes.
Haunting dreams.
He had a chance.
Gave it up.
Seven years.
Gave it all.
Now he has -
Life.
Im not sure if this makes sense. Its a little wishy washy and I feel the structure is a tad off. I dont like the word head either.
He's out now. But still,
he is trapped inside his mind.
It was an accident.
But can he be forgiven?
^^ My above has corrected a few punctuation things which I feel makes it flow better.
The last two lines here are one question, this is unlike the first verse where you tell us "it was an accident."
He’s done his time and,
paid for what he did.
But is it enough to comfort those
Who lost from his mistake?
^^ Again a few punctuation editions.
This one is vague. I love the last line though, but I feel that the first two lines add nothing to the poem.
He's lost everything.
Seven years gone.
But, now he's lost,
More than time.
^^Thats quite a big edit, thats how I would rewrite it but its entirely up to you if you choose to take the changes, I myself arnt really a poet.
This was going so well until the last two lines. I was expecting a really powerful ending but none came. Instead we are left with a single word that wasnt over-powerful. Also, why is the speech before the crash? And what is the flashing blue?
"She’s dead isn’t she?”
“Yes.”
Flashing blue.
Screech of brakes.
Had a chance.
Gave it up.
Seven years.
Gave it all.
Now he has -
__________________________Life.
^^ Again a few changes, I think having life off set makes it more powerful.
The poem had meaning, but as explained in my comments somethings may have let it down.
thank you Mandax. i do agree with the imagery comment, i do need to work on it. I'm not a poet by trade, I'm a novelist, so i want to broaden horizons to poetry. that will increase my use of imagery.
anyone else got anything to say?
I'm new to this board, and I'm not an expert on poetry, but I thought I'd give critiquing a try. I liked the third stanza the best, and I think the theme is very good. The only way I think it could be better is if you used more imagery. That's why I enjoyed the third stanza - I could picture the scene. Putting the reader in the panic of the moment would bring a lot more emotion into it.