I think that you should leave the 'my last drink part', but the story really IS confusing at times. (At some point I thought that it was Nigel who was drinking, hehe).
Chapter One
The elf and the dwarf stared each other in eye. They knew that now was the final reckoning, the defining moment in the endless competition between the two species.
“I swear this is my last drink,” they said, before draining their glasses.
“Okay, second round,” Alden said. The gryphon poured more alcohol into the glasses. What the drink was and what was inside it wasn’t known, and most people agreed it was better that way.
“I have to hand it to you Alden; a drinking competition was a good idea,” Nigel said.
“Well, it was a quick way to get free drinks.”
“I swear this is my last drink,” they said, draining their glasses again.
“It was either that or they kill each other and destroy the bar,” Alden said, refilling the glasses.
“I was wondering how you got the drinks for free.”
“I swear this is my last drink,” they repeated, draining their glasses again.
“What, you think I paid for this?” Alden asked, refilling the glasses
“You wouldn’t pay to spare the lives of your fellow sentient creature?”
“I swear this is my last drink,” they said, draining their glasses.
“Oh, I would, don’t worry about that Nigel. I just won’t pay any more than I need to,” Alden began to refill the glasses.
“Look what just came in!” Nigel whispered. Alden turned to look. She was a young human woman. She wore a white dress and looked like an angel.
“HEY!” the Dwarf said. Alden looked to see that the glasses were overflowing. When he looked back, Nigel was talking to her.
“I swear this is my last drink.” Alden refilled the glasses.
Alden could tell Nigel was using his best lines. Nigel talked with his hands and Alden had seen many of his tales before.
“I swear this is my last drink.”
Alden decided to ignore them for now. He was surprised that the dwarf and the elf had gone this far with no ill effects.
“Say, what are your names again?” The dwarf giggled, which was a very disturbing thing.
“I’ve forgotten my name!”
“Me too!” the Elf said with a laugh. Either they were lying, or they truly didn’t remember. Well, nobody did know what was in their drinks, save the bartender. Alden filled the glasses.
“I swear this is my last drink,” they said, raising their glasses. They drank slowly.
“Gentlemen,” Nigel appeared at the table with the angel. “I’d like to introduce you to Angela; we’re going to get married.”
Alden’s eyes bulged. The elf and the dwarf sprayed their shots of whisky over the table at one another and fell into a wild fit of laughter.
“Aren’t you all ready engaged?” Alden asked.
I think that you should leave the 'my last drink part', but the story really IS confusing at times. (At some point I thought that it was Nigel who was drinking, hehe).
I agree with everyone else. You need more description. I think you use "This is my last drink" far to much. More description less diologe. It establishes a place for your reader. However, I like the story. Add more description and you should be good. Writergirl
I have to say I was a little confused by this. We have: An elf, a dwarf, someone called Nigel and someone called Alden. I couldn't tell who was who in the beginning. There's too much talking, not enough action/description of characters. I daresay you know exactly what the scene looked like, but we don't have a clue.
This is good, but it needs more description and atmosphere. I think you need to tweak your conversation a little bit too, so that it is so clear that there is no possibility of confusion.
Keep writing,
Kaz
Quote:
The elf and the dwarf stared each other in eye.
‘Eye in eye’? I’m not sure here, though, I was never good at such expressions…
Quote:
“I have to hand it to you Alden; a drinking competition was a good idea,”
Is the semicolon needed here?
Quote:
the Dwarf said
Is ‘Dwarf’ supposed to be capital? In the beginning it isn’t. Lter on you have ‘elf’ in a capital.
Quote:
“Aren’t you all ready engaged?” Alden asked.
‘Already’. And I don’t really get the point of this sentence. If they are getting married, then why is Alden asking what he is asking?
Okay, I have to say that I liked what I read. There is one drawback - you didn’t give any descriptions. I have no idea how the characters look like, what race is e/g/ Alden?
No comment to the last two posts before me. Absolutely none.
The elf and the dwarf stared each other in eye. They knew that now was the final reckoning, the defining moment in the endless competition between the two species.
“I swear this is my last drink,” they said, before draining their glasses.
120,618 Literary Works • 651,105 Reviews
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Donate