Published January 9, 2007
This is a fictious journal about a new cadet at New Mexico Millitary Institute.
Her name is Ellie Bradlin. This is her story...
August 3, 2006
Dear Diary,
It's the night before my matriculation at NMMI. Dad says that I should get some sleep, since tommorow is a big day. I'm a little worried. I can tell dad's nervous too. I can't belive that after tommorw I won't be allowed any contact with dad for THREE WEEKS! We can only communicate via snail mail! Well, I better get some rest. Night!
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140,164 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well...this is an interesting one here. It is powerful in how relatable it manages to be in terms of a diary of someone going off to live in this new place. Its a powerful base to go off on there and I think you could really convey the sort of emotions that come with a piece like this very accurately if you use something of that nature here.
Now moving right onto the piece itself here, I am loving the tone that you have with this. Its very realistic to how a diary would normally be written and I love the way this is just narrating these events to us tinged with so much emotion in there. Its a little low on the introspection front which is another thing we have in diaries, but for something that was maybe a quick note before this person had to go to bed, this was perfect.
I also love the way you've set up what is essentially the main premise there especially highlighting the idea of three weeks there. I think its a powerful start to a story here, even with this smaller size and I think I'd certainly find myself reading more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Not to chime in with the others, but I have to agree that what's presented is bland but this isn't your fault! I suspect not a lot of time went into working with the char's traits, goals and the like.
Also, the subject - the diary or journal senario, isn't exactly a piece of cake either. In fact it's very difficult. It especially hard in keeping the reader's interest, which in a diary format is indeed a challenge. But don't let this discourage you! There are quite a few books I've read, mostly non-fiction, that have used the Diary Format. Two examples are The Diary of Anne Frank and Go Ask Alice. I, myself, have written "diary stories" and one of the things I've learned is to immediately catch the reader's interest is you must make the story - diary, appealing. In better terms, adding awe or mystery automatically is a thumbs up. What you have presented is the "Oh, I'm nervous and Dad says I need to go to bed early and rest because of this important thing tomorrow I need to do." Does that sentence sound appealing to you at all? It certainly doesn't to me.
First work on character development (which I'm making it sound so easy but it's not, I know), and then focus on the plot and setting of the diary. There is a usergroup that focuses soley on this subject and it's called Character Development; Snoink's the Mod over there,
As for me, here's an excerpt of one of my pieces. It's in Diary Format but I wrote it sometime about two years ago. It sucks but maybe it'll be of some use to you. It is also in my portfolio. The name of it is "Tear" and is found in the abyis known as Non-fiction.
Good luck, and please keep working hard and continue! The Diary Format-type of story is challenging and not for everyone.
August 7, 2006
Dear Diary,
RAT week is sooo hard! At six each morning the cadre run down the stoop, banging on the windows and doors! Then we fall-out in the push-up position and yell, "Hurry up RAT buddies, Hurry up!" Then we go do an hour of PT. We come back and shower, then we go eat. My troop has already lost three RATs who couldn't hack it. My roomate Meganne and i decided that we will not quit, no matter what. We've- Hold on there is someone at the door.
Ok I'm back. That was my squad leader, staff sergeant Chopito. She told me to come to her room and she will show me how to shine my shoes and brass. i like her. She's cool. I like most of my cadre, EXCEPT my platoon leader, Lueitenant Garcia. She is such a b****!!! Well to say something good, i have made a friend besides Meg. His name Drake and he is in HQ, or the band. Yeah, here we call the band geeks "pixies". LOL! Well, it is almost time for taps. Adios! Ellie
I agree this is far too short to really haev anything to say about it :S
When there is more let me know and i will be happy to review it for you, but for now there is simply not anything to review, sorry!
Miyaviloves
Four lines. Big deal. Where is the content, where is the story. The character is too bland to connect through a diary.
I hate fictitious diaries as it is - I find them uninteresting, only satire works for me in made up diaries. Like Little Wolf (kiddy but I love them).
Not enough here really to grip onto the story.