The Truth About Something

Something, shimmering brightly, streaked through the air with a whoosh and just barely grazed her cheek. She screamed.

"Who did this?" she shrieked. "Who? What foul, pathetic little-"

"My dear," the handmaid said. "My lady, please, it didn't even leave a mark-"

"I - don't - care!" she raged, gasping for breath.

"Oh dear," the second maid said to the first. "She isn't... She's having another attack, isn't she?"

The third handmaid hurried up to her lady, only to be swatted away like a fly with an expensive handbag. She let out a shriek as the heavy silver affair collided with her head.

"Don't you shriek at me!" the lady said. "Utter one more word, one more pathetic squeal, and you'll never work for me again! Any of you! You'll never work for anyone - ever - again. Do you hear me?"

The handmaids nodded mutely and curtseyed to their mistress. The boldest of the three scurried off to fetch the lord.

"What is it, dearest? What's wrong?"

He was young man with fashionably cut copper hair and fine clothing. His nose was hooked, his eyes and brows dark, his posture that of a rich man. That he was.

His wife, a rather pretty young woman, two years younger than he, with dark brown curls, a turned up nose and a slightly plump face, turned on him, narrowed light blue eyes flashing dangerously as she advanced.

"Something," she said. "Happened."

He frowned and made a motion as if to brush hair out of his eyes, or scratch his nose, or bite his nails, but appeared to think better of all three. "Now dearest, I'm sure it's nothing-"

The lady's bloodcurdling scream sounded again through the courtyard, making the bells in their far-off tower shudder and clang ominously in the thin mountain air.

"I'm leaving! And I won't come back."

"No, don't, dearest, please don't..."

The handmaidens were watching this exchange with horrified expressions on their pale faces. If the lady left...

"She can't be serious?" one whispered to the other.

"I don't know," the second replied. "She's never left before..."

"But this might be the last straw..." the third said. "The one, if expression be pardoned, that breaks the goat's back..."

"Yes," the second said under her breath. "I believe this was."

"I am leaving, mark my words I am! Tonight!"

"Tonight?" said the bewildered lord. "But my dear, the road? Travel, at night, without light or knowledge of what lies beyond these walls?"

The lady was quiet and frowning.

"Pray reconsider," the lord said. "Stay the night, at very least. If... if you insist on going," he sighed. "I'll help you pack. You can leave in the morning. I'll provide an escort-"

"No," the lady whispered. "No. I'm going tonight, and I'm going alone."

The handmaids exchanged looks.

"All right," the lord said. "Very well. Go, then. Leave at once. Get out of my sight!"

The lady's eyes widened, she set off, scurrying for the first time in her life, towards the stables. At the door, she turned.

"You," she said to her handmaids, her eyes narrowed in anger, dislike, and fear. "Pack my clothes."

"Yes, milady," the three chorused, curtseying and hurrying away.

Minutes later, the lady left, a solitary figure on a horse, resolutely blinking back tears. The handmaidens were called into the hall, to be addressed by their lord.

"I have no use for handmaidens," he said without preamble. "And I want you to go. You may take the dresses given you in this house, and you will find your wages on the table by the door. Take horses if you must, the brown mares. You are to be out of this house within ten minutes. You are to be out of my sight within two. "

And they left. Outside the gates they disbanded, they and the lady traveling with the four winds, none knowing the names of the others.

As the ruby of the sun sank lower, hiding behind the red garnet slopes, and plateaus of the Kommen Moor, Desert of Valleys, a shadow cast itself over the vast emerald forest to the southeast that now failed to amaze the lord’s jaded eyes. His scrying globe reflected the rainbow-tinted clouds drifting lazily across the dusky sky and intensified the rays of the setting sun that shone brightly through the glass-less windows of his tower room.

He himself stood with his arms behind his back at the miniature table that held the globe. Sifting through images with contemplative nods, he watched his wife as she led her horse down a rusty orange slope towards the east, where a sea of treetops and her destiny awaited her.

“Lin,” he whispered. Her name hung in the twilight. The last rays of the sun disappeared beyond the horizon and the land around him went finally dark. He closed his eyes. He knew she would return.

~-~

A/N: So, I'm wondering what people who actually write think of this, because I've gotten mixed reviews when I showed it to friends.

Friend #1: It's good. *I stare at her and blink.* It's good. It's very intriguing.

Friend #2: OH MY GOD, that is amazing, I felt like I was reading an actual published book. *I turn red, but she can't see because this is on AIM.*

Friend #3: As usual, you have way too much mystery at the very beginning and you have to explain it or else no one will want to read it. It doesn't make any sense -- all that it says is that someone gets angry and leaves.

So, tell me, if you do not find it too difficult, which friend you agree with -- #1 or #3.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Cpt. Smurf
Review

As a prologue, I think this is quite good. I'm not entirely sure about the opening sentence, though, as it seems to have nothing to do with the rest of the story - although I may easily be wrong, of course.

I think you could have made her husband's change from wanting her to stay from making her go more smoothly - it seemed that at one point he was desperate that she didn't leave, and the next moment he's telling her to get out of his sight. You could maybe have done this more smoothly.

The very last bit reminded me of Beauty and the Beast, the way he's looking into the globe at what his wife is doing.

This was fairly good, just needed a bit of editing here and there. Looking forward to the next installment,

Kaz

User avatar
xtenx
Review
xtenx wrote a review · Mon Jan 15, 2007 5:16 am

I didn't like how it started- I feel like there was no set up, no description- we were just instantly thrown into a scene and it didn't really draw me in at all. There was nothing particularly wrong with the beginning- it's might just be your style, but I just feel like the very beginning of a story should have more of a pull on the reader. When I read it, it didn't even really make sense- I had no idea what happened at all, and then the next thing I know there are several maids, wife is leaving and then the maids are dismissed. It was illogical almost.

I do like that there is an element of mystery to it, and it seems obvious that there is more to everything that happened which will be explained as the story continues...but I would have liked to see more description of the people in the story- not only description, but names to put to the faces. I can understand leaving out certain information in a prologue, but names?

I wouldn't call it plot-less. It seems clear to me that something happened, and as the story continues we will see what exactly that was and why it matters- and that seems like a plot to me. It's impossible to tell whether or not its a good plot or a bad plot at this point because there wasn't much to it- not a lot happened really. It's just really vague right now. But I'm definitely going to check back to see what happens, so post more soon :) I'm curious to see how this is going to develop.

User avatar
writergirl007
Comment

I think it is a good prologue. I still think that the Man needs more emotion. It would make him more realistic. Writergirl

User avatar
Jenita
Comment

Ah, well, the character change was sort of the point. And the curtseyed thing doesn't show up on my spell-checker. On dictionary.com it says that it can be spelled both ways, but I'll go fix that.

The plotless-ness... oops. :oops: I think I forgot to mention that this wasn't the whole story. It's only the prologue/first chapter, so it's not supposed to have a central conflict as a whole.

Oops. :oops: . Anyone want to comment on it as a prologue?

User avatar
Swires
Review
Swires wrote a review · Sat Jan 13, 2007 3:41 pm

Something, shimmering brightly, streaked through the air with a whoosh and just barely grazed her cheek. She screamed.


I dislike this, it seems cluttered: forcing too much information into a short space. It would be better:

"Something shimmered brightly and streaked through the air, grazing her cheek."

This makes it one sentence without the dirty fragments.


"I - don't - care!" she raged, gasping for breath.


Second time you have cluttered speech with a nasty tag. "Said" is fine.



The handmaids nodded mutely and curtseyed to their mistress. The boldest of the three scurried off to fetch the lord.


Typo: curtsied.


There are errors further on, reread this aloud and correct them.

Ok. This was very flat, where is the plot? Where is the central conflicts? The characters seemed stereotypes. Heck, they didnt even have names.

User avatar
writergirl007
Review

I like it, but it has no plot. At least not to me. Also, the feelings of the husband seem a little harsh. Maybe a little more saddness. He just dismisses her! You almost change his character. At first he's caring, then he's like "Leave me alone!" Perhaps have him urge her more. But, it was good. I am interested in seeing the rest. Writergirl



Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
— George Burns