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Young Writers Society



Unaddressed Innoscence #1

by Riedawriter23


The loop was wound tightly against her throat as the chanting abolished her hearing. Witch, witch! She gulped and let her legs tremble until almost resulting in a self-inflicted death.

A familiar voice broke through the crowded nonsense and she attempted to hear it alone. Her mother. She stood at the back of the crowd chanting just as forcefully among the trees where she couldn't be called a traitor having defended her at trial.

It was time now, the others hung beside her in a blend of different opinions, one of them was William. Her one and only love, not that he knew it but it was the same in any matter. He stared at her now with a glow in his eyes strong enough to pierce the darkness in any ones heart. He was being hung for standing by her side, even though she had told him never to see her again.

The hangers stood by their sides in a length of disgust only giving glances of hate and disappointment in her direction. She looked over at the girls who had once been her friends as they twitched all over, brushing their hands over the front of their gowns and trembling so, she thought they might have jumped out of their skin.

"Oh Sarah! You deceiving brute, why must you torture us so! See thy good sir, see how she glowers at us in good resemblance to the devil himself! Ow, Sarah, why must you pinch us so! Ow, ow, oh great lord, protect us from this nonbeliever that she may perish in hell where she came from!"

The girls raised their hands over their heads and slammed to their knees giving repulsive screams of agony, accusing her of jumping from her body and swooping upon them with her evil spirit. She could take no more of it!

"How dare you! How dare you all! Using the lords good name in your speak of nonsense as you hang innocent people for you frivolity! Giving accusations of such foolishness we would have been punished for years before this burden set upon our town! Have you no agony further from fiction, do you all not see what you're doing to the people of god. And using witchcraft as a blame! For shame! God told all that witchcraft didn't exist!"

Everyone had stopped chanting and now stared at her pleadingly as the group of girls coward still lower to the ground and begged her to stop digging her nails into their skin.

"I shan't stop!" She yelled. "I shan't stop because I do nothing. It is a wonder that you could separate us such as this! I am human, I've never seen the devil but in story books and those girls are lying to you all!" There was a great shudder.

"I suggest you stop this at once Sarah, those girls have done not a thing wrong, only told us the horrible things you put upon them in your urge to curse the town!" She laughed noticing that she held off every hanging with her speech.

"Why then do I only attack the girls, could you answer me that? If I were really a witch then I could have of course destroyed this town with a simple brew, well couldn't I have!?" She didn't give the judge time to answer her. "It's ridiculous is what it is. You have no idea what go wrong in your town so you prosecute your own people. You've turned my own mother against me, what person of god causes such damage!"

"That's enough!" The judge yelled as his face flushed and the edge of his mouth twitched uncontrollable. "I shan't hold this sentence any further. Kill her now!" She held the best she could the rope around her neck and let out the most tears she could before having none yet to cry.

"I won't take this either!" William burst into the conversation holding her execution to a lingering moment and resulting in the release of her ropes. William hadn't spoken to anyone besides her in 12 years. She didn't tell anyone this, it was funny when everyone though him a mute, but now, now everyone stared in pure shock. Never in any execution had there been these moments of halt.

"He speaks!" Cried Elizabeth, the lead of the shuddering girls. She stepped forward and drew herself up to the platform abiding every hand that reached out for her. "He speaks because the curse has been lifted. We think him to be a warlock when really it was only thy enemy Sarah cursing him, he was never at her side, but only a feeble helpless servant at her bound to her!" Everyone gasped and William's eyes opened in anguish as they released him from his binds and pushed him off the edge of the platform leaving two others, both elderly, to hang at her side.

"This is not true! Elizabeth lies, it is not Sarah who curses me, but___" he hesitated and gave Sarah a sorry look. "But, Elizabeth herself. She orders these girls under her own curse to kill off her enemies, she said so herself that she always hated Sarah." She couldn't help hear what he was saying, accusing others now, and they had the chance of being hanged. He encouraged them, now they would never forget.

"Is this true Elizabeth?" The judge asked timidly. Sarah had just recognized she was no longer held and ran into William's arms who in turn, embraced her tightly and then let go to observe the others.

"It is not! He only wants to save his master, maybe the curse isn't over after all!"

"You change you mind? Now?" She nodded and then noticed what he was saying. He didn't think she was sure of herself, he thought she was lying.

"Or___ I don't change my mind. I only doubt my first instinct, he seems to still be connected under her control." The judge nodded and looked at the wide-eyed friends holding each others hand and waiting for the worst, more importantly, ready to follow the other into anything.

"Very well then, we shall undergo another day of trial and only another day. After that, we solve this once and for all." The old couple was able to be let down and everyone returned to their normal lives, forgetting of course that a witch and a needy servant walked among them.

The next day of trials would have to be something new, they would have to prepare a speech, maybe even good enough to get the court off their back. And then maybe they could go away, far, far away.


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Sun Feb 04, 2007 12:31 pm
Fishr says...



Cool, but the master? *bursts into laughter* I don't know about that! LOL!

Now onto the planning, and char developement, joy, joy! :?




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Sun Feb 04, 2007 8:04 am
Riedawriter23 says...



lol, of course I don't mind fshr, you didn't have to ask. I was actually hoping to see the master at work, esspecially in this era, I've been waiting for it. So thank you, you're helping me as well! :D




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Thu Feb 01, 2007 11:01 pm
Fishr wrote a review...



A question for you Reida -

I've been contemplationg, actually toying with the notion of writing about the very same era for two months, and since I'm currently suffering from a writer's block from my novel, would you mind if I started writing about the 1692 hysteria?

Normally I don't ask permission, but through the PM's and such, I wouldn't want you to feel I'm stealing your subject. ;) I meant to take this subject on quite a while ago, and low and behold "someone" else beat me to it, lol!




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Thu Jan 25, 2007 2:53 am
Riedawriter23 says...



Thank you. I'm really liking this feedback.




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 3:25 pm
Swires wrote a review...



I have PMed the member about poor comments n stories.

Now for my own comments:

Well fishr wrote a piece on the piece lol. My advice will probably be a little more general than the mastery of fishr's work.

I really liked the first paragraph, but Im not getting the italics - are the people chanting it? If so "Witch, witch" would be better in speech marks.

A familiar voice broke through the crowded nonsense and she attempted to hear it alone. Her mother. She stood at the back of the crowd chanting just as forcefully among the trees where she couldn't be called a traitor having defended her at trial.


This parahraph is a tad confusing, I think you need to re read to make it clearer what you are talking about lol. I like the concept that even her mother has turned against her - but would she? Her own mother?

"This is not true! Elizabeth lies, it is not Sarah who curses me, but___"


I dont like the use of ___ consider using "--" or "...." to express continuation.

I liked the story, interesting concept to write historically.




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:51 pm
Fishr says...



Why should she cut down on dialogue? What do you personaly think amz?

And what about the story was good? Like what did you enjoy most?
;)




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Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:34 pm
amz333 says...



good story cut down on the dialogue a little though




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Sun Jan 07, 2007 10:58 pm
Riedawriter23 says...



I've watched the movie but never got a chance to read the book. Thanks!




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Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:16 am
Swires says...



Consider reading the Crucible by Arthur Millar.




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:46 pm
Fishr wrote a review...



Howdy there! I'll say right from the start, I was quite jazzed when I saw someone taking on the 1692 hysteria, also known as the Salem Witch Trials. This of course was a dark time in American history as the Puritans condemed the inncocent. It all started, to my memory, by a girl having siezures, and that was the first mark that started the panic. I, for one, protrayed an actual victim of the Trials during Halloween. I was John Proctor - hung Aug. 19th, 1692 - and I was dressed in an 18th century shirt, and hand-sewed breeches as well, both I made for myself. It was a lot of fun but I think the noose I tied weired people out, LOL!

*

So, there are a few things I caught right away that should be adjusted and the very first thing I'd do is concentrate on the dialogue. What I mean is, I had a very hard time figuring out who was talking to who. It was as if I was suddenly bombarded with someone talking but I hadn't a clue on the identity. Who's Sarah by the way? Is that the wife of William?

The other thing I didn't quite understand is, is this Sarah and William supposed to suffer the "Hangman's Noose" in the gallows? Or is it just William that's supposed to hang, and Sarah is watching him?

Now, onto the story itself. There are a couple of things I'd try to strengthen it. As you noticed, some of the readers are not in tune with history, and so they will be automatically lost in a sense. To improve this, you will have to research. Remember, this is HISTORICAL fiction, and the more the writer is aware of the world they are recreating, the more realistic and appealing the plot, the characters (which I'll get to in a moment) and conflict will become, thus the reader is enjoying themselves. Describe the clothing style, dialect, (which you briefly capitilized on by saying, "Thy, but there is more to the colonial dialect than meets the eye. ;) PM me if you have questions about colonial dialect.), transportation, instruments such as lanterns, flint, etc. And most importantly since the Puritans played such a dramatic role since their earliest days settling in Plymouth to the First Great Awakening in 1709, the Puritan way of life was ridged and they were one of the most religiously strict groups in history. It was them that wished to "purify" the churches in the early 18th Century. So, research, research, and trust me, it will pay off tenfold. Did you know, out of all the magistrates in Salem that were elected to be judges of the Trials, only ONE publically admitted that he felt intense guilt and wished that God would haver mercy on his soul when it was is time to be judged? I have forgot his name but this person is buried in the Granary Buriel Grounds in Boston, Mass. Did you also know that is has taken 300 years for all decendants from the accused to be totally erased of the term "accused" from their ancestors to gain once property rights that were revoked in the late 1600's??

Now, about the Trials themselves... I have forgotten all of the actual names but some still linger of the accused, such as Giles Corey who was pressed to death. Anyway, if it were me, since I'm a history fanatic, I would use actual names; first and last of those who were hung. This will make the story more realistic and appealing. The other thing I'd focus on is the chaotic nature of this time period. As the story stands, in my personal opinion, it lacks a certain degree of action. This is the Salem Witch Trials, and rest assured, it's likely that there was more Huzzuh then yelling, in fact it's said that the accused were pelted with rocks, veggies, shoes or anything that was in close contact or had easy access too. Remember, the victims that were being hung were hung because society thought of them as possessed and that the Devil can transform and be "any face in the crowd." Honestly, the gallows in a sence were a blessing, and I know that sounds odd but the prisons were far worse. People were crammed in small quaters, and the women; a couple were pregnant. There was only one that I remember that was granted time BEFORE being hung to have her child, and that was Proctor's wife. Thankfully, she never was hung. (Wiki has provided a decent ariticle on the Proctor family - quite intriguing). Decease, starvation and coldness were other issues in the prisons. Sound familer? Think of the Holocaust.

Now onto the characters... From the little I was able to understand through the choppy dialogue was that these chars lack personality, and in fact, I had no remorse if either William or Sarah fell victim to the Hangman's Noose. Why? The characters are not developed enough. A good practice is creating character sketches by answering questions for them. This allows the writer to get a feel for who they are, their wants/needs, their life goals, strengths or faults. One member on this board has created a journal for her character. She is writing about the Potato Famine in Ireland. Some writers incorperate their own personal flaws into their characters, which is one method I do actually. Some of my own characters have more flaws than strengths, lol, and they really do command attention from me when they wish for me to understand them. Others write letters, which I've done as well, to their chars, and the result is quite interesting and hilarious 'pending on their charactistics. It is in personal opinion that is a character is truly developed, if a sentence or paragraph is out of place, this character will do the following: Frown, curse, litterally yell or eyeball you with the "What in the heck were you thinking?" look. If your own personal characters haven't achieved this, then there's a very good chance that they need more work in discovering them from the writer. In other words, they command the writer's full attention.

One other tidbit I'd like to mention:

Her one and only love, not that he knew it but it was the same in any matter. He stared at her now with a glow in his eyes strong enough to pierce the darkness in any ones heart.


Well, is William staring at Sarah because he's attracted to her or it just be quincendence that he set eyes upon her? Also, a "glow" in someone's eyes can be misleading. He could be angry, frustrated, feeling somber or he's in a meloncholy mood. Or, a "glow" could suggest he's gazing upon Sarah fondly and maybe he regrets never speaking to her since his time is at an end. Personally, I would try and improve on the second sentence. It's powerful and with the right wording, it could really captivate the given atmosphere and add to his character.

For instance, if I were to use an example and change a few words:

1. His head hung low, and behind his tattered shirt, William twisted and tugged at the rope that bound his wrists tightly together. He felt thin lines of liquid flow freely along his finger tips, and all the while, he prayed silently to the good Lord for mercy upon his beaten soul.

Yeah, I totally rewrote what was written but I believe people gawking or gazing; there is more than just expressions and that's body postures, which is overlooked. This is what I was attempting to show you. William is clearly in dicomfort, and by diverting his attention to the ground, it could me he's feeling many emotions or just an intense one. That fact that he's unwilling to look anyone in the eye alreadys says that something is truly troubling William and given the period, it's not hard to see why.

Now, I will stick with your original (second) sentence but I'll rearrange a few things because I'm evil. ;)

2. He stared intently at her now and he swore a vow silently to himself that no amount of greater will would divert his attention, no, not even the mighty Lord.

OK... Uh... So, I kinda changed it a little more drastically then I intended but to me the second sentence appeared a little too cliched for my likely. The second example in effect is basically the same concept of William's staring, but in return, it's clear now that he's fond of Sarah to a certain degree and once more - William's stubborn! :D Oh, and stubborn characters are so fun!

I believe that is all for now. I know I have spelling errors but I wrote this up pretty quick and the Spell Check went on vacation, Good luck!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. The 18th century is my forte but I'm certainly no stranger to the 17th century either. ;)

Oh, before I forget, I mentioned earlier about colonial dialect and the impact it can play by making the story more authentic. During Halloween, my "tombstone" read:

John Proctor
HANGED
Augst 19 1692

And the fictional inscription I added:

O, God! Fear me Not,
I am No Witch!

Oh, heh, and one more thing, I visit cemetaries as a hobby, and I zero in right away on 18th century stone. Therefore, I've been exposed to colonial dialect for the past three years or more for all I know, LOL!

Ok, now I'm finished! Whew!




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:43 pm
falling in love wrote a review...



It's good. I really enjoy this so far, but I think maybe I have missed some of the story. If I haven't then maybe you should add in what's going on so that it won't confuse anyone. Unless this is like the prologue or something then it makes perfect sense.




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 6:55 pm
vixeyt says...



It's very good. I enjoyed it. It was a little bit confusing but apart from that. I thought it was good. Good on you! Whereabouts is it set? :D




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 3:24 pm
writergirl007 wrote a review...



This is good. There are a few spelling errors, but overall, it is a marvelous story. Of course, a story can always use improvement. I suggest that you read over it, correct your spelling errors, see if there is anything you would like to change, then finish the story. But, all in all, a very good historical novel. Sir Writergirl





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