Mercy of the Sword Saint: Chapter 1

I forgot how much I loved Phasmatis and Gleebeck. Or Phazzy and Gleeb, I should say. You're never going to forgive me for giving them those nicknames, are you?

Another beautifully crafted chapter, and though there were one or two typos--even your brilliance isn't immune to the hazards of the wicked keyboard--over all, there was nothing I'd say that needs major reworking. The pace was very relaxed, but knowing you things will speed up fantastically in the near future.

And Adam? Let's keep the critiques rated PG, yes?

Purple Balloon. I'm sorry that I got in the middle of you and Scribes 'Debate' I didn't mean to intrude. I've read a small bit of your work before, and I want you to know that I admire you as a writer. When I said that to Scribe, I wasn't trying to step on any toes, I was just messing around. I knew that you would read it, and I thought you'd take it lightly. Sory again.

Scribe, I don't want you to ever think that I'm going to ever take back something I said because you may not like it. I know that the sole reason you're on here is to get critiques from other writers. If I still thought what I thought, I would have stood by it, weather you liked it or not (sorry. I'm not trying to sound cross rite now. I just want you to know that I honestly did change my mind).
I'm writing this reply to you after reading your chapers 2-4. I wouldn't of kept with it this long if I was just trying to make you think I liked your work when I really didn't.
Thanks for replying. I'm looking foward to reading Chapter 5 rite now.

Uhm, well, I just wanted to say that I've been looking for chapter 1...

One more remark here that 1) does not directly apply to the piece of writing or 2) attempt to clarify the meaning of a given critique without sinking to the level of dismissing or insulting it - and this topic is locked.


A discussion and/or debate of the points of a critique is perfectly acceptable. An arguement in which any curse word is used, over the validity of agreeing/disagreeing with the critique is irrelavant and unecassary.

Ok, Im going to end this here.

Twilight - No one is being a jerk about anything, me and Scribe are having a debate about his work.

My main issue was it felt like Scribe was arguing with my critique, which may not have been his intended portrayal - but on forums emotion and such can be interpreted differently.

Please dont insult me, its not nice.

Scribe - I did invite you to disagree, that was my own mistake because I invited you to disagree in a way which was not clear how. To be honest - What are we arguing about? lol. Anyway, lets forget about this misunderstanding now you have informed me that you want your story to be discussed instead etc... I was just a little bit disapointed in the way you dismissed most points but if you disagree with something I suppose you have the right to dismiss it.

Writergirl AND Twilight - You are flaming a topic, its against the rules. You two are not in this debate, me and Scribe are discussing it. Thankyou.


I shall delete this muck from the topic so you just have critiques when I become mod here.

Apologies again for any misunderstanding.

Regards,
Adam

I value my reviewers, plain and simple. I do feel the need to reply to every critique. I think out my writing very well, I think, so when someone objects to it, I want to really analyze the objection. You shouldn't be mad that I was interested enough in your post to reply to it. That's the point of a writer's forum. To learn. Just brainlessly agreeing with your points, or ignoring them, would totally demean the point of this whole thing. So don't take my disagreement as a reason to stop reviewing or as an insult; to the contrary, if I disagree with your point, it's because I carefully considered it, and explained why I feel that way. If you can give me a good reason to the contrary, then I may decide to make changes. The point is, you have to convince me of your point, especially when it's a matter I've thought a lot about to make a decision on. Such as descriptions. I value descriptive writing a lot, so of course I would defend my position on it. I would not expect you to respond any differently; I assume if someone questioned your style, you would have something to say. It's not in the spirit of a debate, just the spirit of, well, I want to be a better writer, so I will consider your review as objectively as I can. I hope that makes sense. I am not trying to be argumentative, I just think that it is logical for one to respond thoroughly to reviews. After all, you took the time to review me, so I owe you a response on your feelings, don't you think?

Take care, and thanks for all the reviews and considerations on this topic.

And Twilight, don't worry, I didn't take offense to your remarks. I can disagree with them without being hostile, in the same way that your suggestions were themselves not from a hostile place. I appreciate your help; I want my writing to be the best it can be, as I'm sure everyone here wants of their writerly endeavors.

In Scribe's defense: Phorcys, you did say, and I quote, "These are purely opinions, feel free to disagree with all of these points." So, therefore, even though you are entitled to your opinion, and are an experienced critiquer, you also told Scribe that it was okay to dissagree! And Scribe, I also apprieciate how you take your time to explain to ignorant people (such as myself). Writergirl

Okay. So, I have spent the Better part of four and a half hours rereading your work, chapters 1-3. I took into account the things you said after my reply, about how it is a series and what not. I think I'll do a better job of critiquing it this time, for a couple of reasons. The first is, I actually printed it out this time, and read it in a comfy chair. I know that sounds silly to say, but it makes it where I'm not so antsy to get it over with. The first time I read your story, I was expecting it to be a short little thing, and not take so long to read, so even before I was half way done, I wanted it to be over. So sorry about that. Also, once I printed it out, I got a high lighter and some sticky notes so that I could do the job properly. Here's what I came up with.
I changed my mind entirely about the transitions. It actually did flow nicely together. For instance, when you wrote
"... feathered tails spreading out behind them as they patiently waited for their riders to disembark. One, a gnome between three and four feet tall..."
I was really impressed. You kept that type of smooth writing threw out the whole thing.
I liked the bond between Gwyener and Phasmatis. That's something else that I looked over the first time I read it, too. I thought that was neat since they've such a complicated past. I'm not sure If I know where the plot is yet at the first chapter, but I don't mind that anymore. I think that the reason that bothered me so much the first time I read it is because all day long I had been reading short stories where the plot was introduced in the third paragraph or so. So, once I got to your story, and by the end of page ten, had no clear cut idea where it was going, I got annoyed.
I'm amazed at how few grammaticle errors you have, considering this such a long peice of writing. The few I did notice were:
On Page 4, Chapter 1, Line 29 -(if we d not know...)
On Page 6, Line 22 - (ad that every precaution...)
On Page 6, Line 37 - ( and unsure of ho to right himself...)
(you'll be able to find the page numbers if you go to print preview, and leaf threw the pages until you find the one you want, and then magnify it.)
My final thing to say write now about your story on Chapter one, is something that really stuck out to me. What I'm talking about is when you wrote :
"She felt and saw the silver-scaled glint of the river-trout, she heard the cry of the sharp-eyed falcon miles above as it dove to the earth, air swift in its feathers as it dove towards a field mouse...."
My Gosh!!! That, Scribe, is outstanding writing. I felt like I could see exactly what was going on in her head. I know that type of writing may not seem to stick out in your mind, but I was so 'aw-struck' by that!
So, before you go, I would like to apologize for my first review, and hope that you forget about it. I'll be more careful when I read your work (and anyone else's for that matter) to not do it when I'm in a grumpy mood.
One more final thing. Thanks so much for replying to each comment you get. I think it shows that you are really in tune with things, and that you are truly trying to become a better, more improved writer. And even if you disagree with some one, you still do it with class (even if they're being a jerk about it... ahem, the purple balloon.)
I wanna keep in touch with you, so please let me know on what you think of all this.
-Crimson Twilight

Ok, number one I really don't give a damn about whether you agree or disagree. Those are my opinions about your story, you can CHOOSE whether to put them into action or not, you don't need to try and persuade me to think otherwise.

As for Tolkien - I think it was old English/Celtic Mythology he based the Elves off, dont quote me on that though.

You are very elegant in your response to critques but just a simple "Thanks for your time" would be nice instead of debating each and every point made.

As for skimming - I am active on YWS and pretty high ranking in post count, I try to get through nearly all fantasy work to give people usable feedback on their stories. Thus I read beginnings and sometimes ends, and when I have time, whole stories - you will say many lengthy reviews under my name. I only read your beginning and only commented on it.



Yes - description is needed in an abstract world, but why right at the start of a story? It doesnt need to be there, it can come later. Action, interesting plot etc.. should come first.

Admittedly, I invited you to disagree - BUT I didnt make myself clear in posting etc...

I have to disagree. Sometimes, I like to start with action, but I really prefer descriptive prose. It's a matter of taste, I suppose. Don't worry; there's plenty of action in the book. But it's a foreign world, and I want to make it vivid and real for my readers.

Secondly, as far as the Elf thing goes, I have to disagree with that, also. There's millions of stories about humans, but we don't tire of those, do we? or stories about vampires, or zombies, or dragons, or whatever other mythical creature, but they keep coming. Some are great, some are horrible. But I guarantee that the quality of the book is not predicated by the creatures the writer chooses to use, but how he uses them. I like elves, and I've read both great stories using them, including Tolkien, but also many others. I want to take this opportunity to permanently dismiss the idea that Tolkien invented the tall, powerful elves he described, as apposed to the diminutive, spritely creatures such as work in Santa's shop. He drew heavily from Norse mythology, and his elves greatly resembled theirs. Also, my elves are not Tolkien's. They are mine. They are not the same species as elves as those in the Lord of the Rings, but have different physiology. And, this is not an "elf story," per se, but a story in which there happens to be elves.

What is important in a story is not the species of the characters, but the characters themselves. Whether a love story involves humans, elves, dwarves, or talking squirrels, it's really not the point. The point is whether it's a GOOD story. You haven't told me what you thought about that. I don't much like "skim" reviews for this reason, because they tend to be full of assumptions and stereotypes, rather than taking the prose on its own grounds. The beautiful thing about writing fiction is taking what's already been done, and doing something new with it. Elves are part of fantasy tradition, one of my favorite parts, and are integral to my world and my story. Now, if you want to accuse me of being unoriginal with them, such as say, Christopher Paolini was, well, that's fine. I might not disagree with you, but I'd be a lot happier that you had formed an actual opinion about MY story, rather than my TYPE of story.

Thanks for taking the time to post a review. Take care.

Ok, skimming through the beginning you make a classic mistake in my book. You start with a description. Setting is good but it really doesnt grab a reader into a story, I like to start reading mid-action, when something is happening or has happened.

Holly Lisle starts with her MC chained too a dead body and trying to escape. Lol. Thats how I like my beginnings - super active.

Concerning Elves. I dont like Elf stories because I think Tolkien has covered everything we need in literature in terms of elves.

These are purely opinions, feel free to disagree with all of these points.

Hey. Thanks so much for taking my critique in such a high account. I'm honestly flattered. I wasn't expecting that. Also, thanks for standing up for me with writergirl. Actually, at the moment I am sitting rite next to her (me and her are best friends. Ha Ha Ha). I got a huge kick out of that, and gave her a hard time, but I guess I'll forgive her. (she's watching me write this and is laughing about it).
But, back to your story. Maby I was analyzing it too much. Knowing that it is in a series, I'll reread it and look at it from that point of view. I was shocked to realize that you have already written 2 more chapters! I'm impressed with how you write so fast. I look forward to reading them. I'll still be just as harsh though, so watch your back.

Crimson Twilight:

I appreciate your compliments, your suggestions, and your candor. It is good of you to balance your critiques both with positives and negatives, and I really appreciate the time it takes to make a good review.

Let me see if I can address some of your concerns. Firstly, the description of the characters. I can see what you mean; a lot about characters in the beginning can be rather dull, and I know I've made that mistake in the past. I'm trying not to be biased, though, and I looked over the chapter . . . I actually think I'm pretty sparse with describing them, just a few baisc physical details, while I think I focus a lot more on characterization. And after all, that's the only way to get readers to know what my characters are like, right? I don't know, what do you think? Also, I might have to point out that this is the continuation of a series . . . Past readers sort of expect me to pick up where I left off, which is basically what I did from Quest of the Sword Saint. That also kind of addresses your concern about plot detail, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Actually, Gwynera is not the main character, Phasmatis is. He just sort of takes the roll in a rather unassuming way.

All of my paragraphs didn't flow together? ALL of them? Geez, if that's the case, I can scarcely call myself a writer, lol . . . Well, obviously, since I wrote them that way, they seemed to flow well to me, so I'm terribly biased on the matter. I guess the only remedy is to just reread it, and try to see what you mean. I definitely think you may be right in terms of dialogue, though, if not in the regular prose itself. . . Hmm . . .

Back to the plot details . . . Yeah, I see what you mean. My proble in the novel before this was I did the exact opposite: Chapter 1 was basically a huge infodump about Phasmatis. I was so scared of doing it again, I think I almost left nothing there. . . Though, I'm a few chapters into this story now, and I think the plot ends up getting described pretty well soon enough. I think the chapter gives enough of an idea: They're headed for a place called Aldaria, they have to pass through Laninbrooke first, and Phasmatis has some sort of a curse, which is the reason for the journey. I think your issue with the question might (no offense, and I could be wrong) be a case of overanalyzing "Do you think you will break your curse in Aldaria?" Gwynera is asking him this, and Phasmatis, whose been cursed for quite a while, is sort of used to having the curse, as he explains himself. Basically, his answer is, he doesn't know, though he doesn't come out and say that. Phasmatis is a pretty emotional guy, but like most guys, tends to keep things "on the inside."

But, you brought up important isssues, and it shows me that you were actively reading the story, which encourages me as a writer: It must have been interesting you somewhat, hey? So, thank you for the review, and I will use it as best I can to make the chapter as good as possible.

Writergirl:

I am pleased that you like the chapter. Let's remember that Twilight is entitled to her opinions, of course, and actually had valid and important things to say. But I really appreciate the praise, it is quite uplifting! As for publishing, I do have two novels published: The two other novels in this series, actually, lol. Yes, I am fond of my name too, I'm glad you like it, lol. See you in the chat soon!

I have to disagree with Twilight. Your writing is just as good as your name Scribe!!!!! I love it. Vivid pictures and wonderful description. I think I spotted a few minor misspells, but besides that I think that this is wonderful, marvelous in fact! I don't say that about very many stories, so please, take that as a compliment. Have you ever thought about publishing? I'm serious. You should. Well, I love it anyways. But, I must say, your name still wins! Writergirl

Hey, this is Crimson Twilight here, and I wanted to tell you that I am so impressed with the way that you have stayed with this story for so long. I'm excitted to see where it's going to go. After reading that, I believe that you a good enough writer to handle some constructive critisizem, so if you don't mind, I'll tell you a few things I think you could do diffently to improve your story.
First of all, your writing is amazing, and you describe things beautifully, but I think you did it at the wrong time. There was just so much discription at the begenning about the characters looks. I didn't really care about it because I didn't know them. I really lost intrest. I think that if you were to simply describe Gwynera at the begenning (assuming that she is your main character) and then describe the rest later, once you get to know them threw her, then you may hold your readers attention better.
Next, all of your paragraphs were in a sence confusing, because I didn't think that they flowed very well. If you were to maby add a little bit more writing, to show how it went together, or take away some things that aren't needed, It would make the transition more smooth.
My final Critique is that I have no idea where this is going. I don't belive that you have givven a single hint of where they are going. I know that it is still early in this story, but please, I feel that it is very importaint to know what the plot of the book is going to be. Towards the end you wrote
“Do you think you will break your curse in Aldaria?”
Does this mean that you are going to try and break the curse? I was confused and trying to read between the lines the whole story at where it may be going, but I found nothing.

With all that being said, I would like to remind you before I go that I am still very impressed with this, and I would not be telling you these things that I feel need fixed if I didn't think that you were ready to hear it. I was glad to find such a long story, and see that the writer was passionate about it, too.
Please let me know what you think of my criticism.
From Crimson Twilight