Sura

Before I start, are your characters actually Japanese? If no, despite the provided explanation of parents loving manga, it's not really believable. No one gives their anglo children Japanese names, ...

Icy , silver glitter of frost, I'm not sure this is the best, or strongest, line to begin with. They fall and (cut 'they') cover us as we walk, They ...

I agree with LastPaladin. There's something very off-putting about your wording, and how you mix technical terms with softer things. (ex: "a light source glows from behind a veil of ...

Another day has come Has gone. I'm not sure about how you're punctuating this. If you keep the first lines as a punctuated sentence I would add a comma after ...

Sleep is the only place I can escape to, even if the escape is only brief. (You don't need the word 'only' here, it sounds funny and "brief" should cover ...

This is exactly like Hemingway's story: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." He manages to tell a story with as much story as anything else in less than ten words. ...

Cut t me off from the world,(Cut only has one 't'.) Change my personality. Hurt me, infest my personal life, go, take my secrets and share them. (Lines 3 and ...

...Interesting similes. I wouldn't say that they're completely irrelevant to the subject matter, but it does come off as a bit odd. Also, I don't agree that you have to ...

Ironically, this poem about despair reads as dry and emotionless as a daily review of the stock market. I'm weak, (Boring. Also, if you are going to punctuation, this must ...

This second version definitely gives a stronger image, in my mind at least. xD I only count four syllables on the first line though. O: (Each word of the four ...

I was really loving it up until the third stanza. The first two are very nice, though. I don't like the use of 'you' in the fourth stanza, it seems ...

It's nice! It doesn't have a fantastic display of range, but it works. You could use stronger adjectives, as Jasmine said. Also, as Jasmine said, the last line is off. ...

Remarkably simple yet somewhat profound. I only wonder if you could elaborate. As far as the body, the repetition gets laborious after about the 3rd line. Unfortunately, I don't see ...

It's really lovely! It is more of a narrative though, rather than lyrical. The first two lines both have two adjectives in a row, which makes it a little heavy ...

I really want to hear someone sing this! It's just too funny! Unfortunately I don't know much about the original song/artist; I imagine it would be twice as funny if ...