Published March 28, 2010
I'm weak,
you did this to me,
you took me away.
Return me.
I don't want to fall
I don't want to drown
I don't want to feel alone
I only want to return home.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hello, I'll be your reviewer, and like everyone else this fits in the class of 'emo' poetry and that isn't good, because rightaway you lose people sympathy. You drone on about something obviously a break-up, but with a poem like this, all I wanna say is 'Get back up on that horse!' you never make us feel the emotion never make us feel your pain you throw out cliched ideas which bore the reader senseless and end it with best line 'I only want to go home' that is by far the best line and if ya did a poem explaining ya heartbreak using that line. Then maybe this has a chance, right now it's words just thrown in at random, calling itself a poem. You can do better, since ending shows potential, don't be disheartened.
Hope this helped and sorry if it came off harsh. But this is how I got better, through harsh comments from others.
Ironically, this poem about despair reads as dry and emotionless as a daily review of the stock market.
I'm weak, (Boring. Also, if you are going to punctuation, this must either be a semi-colon or period.)
you did this to me, (Same as above on both counts.)
you took me away.
Return me.
I don't want to fall
I don't want to drown
I don't want to feel alone
I only want to return home.
(This whole repetition set is redundant.)
Just as everyone has said, you need to add more!
More feelings, more depth... anything!
There's nothing of substance as is.
Hi!
In addition to what June and Hero have said, there was something about this poem that struck as very bland. There is practically no imagery, your word choice is somewhat dull, and the subject matter is cliche. Try making this a bit longer so you have the space to flesh out scenes, add imagery, and make us sympathize with the narrator.
Good Luck!
-Elinor
Legend,
To separate this from the multiples of blaming poems that circulate involving heartache, you need to add more to this. I would recommend adding some concrete imagery to describe what I'm assuming is the abstract feelings that the narrator is feeling. The lines are really too short, dear, and it's not the type of short that gives us strong images enough for us to want to read more. From the start, you need a line that hooks us, pulls us in and keeps us until the end. Add more to this -- describe the feelings, the emotions, the scenario, and stay away from cliches.
Best of luck,
June
Heya, here for a quickie based on content.
Okay, I'm feeling there's some heartbreak involved here, you end with how you want to go home. I think you could have done better. You say your hurt and that you want to go home. A lot of us know the feeling, after a whole day of playing on asphalt, the ol' home looks very comfy. Explain that. explain the hurt, and the comfort of home like opposing weights on a scale.
Apart from that, "You did this to me" should be a sentence apart from "I'm weak"
Fly On,
Hero.