Just hope

I don't find it muddled, in fact I find that 'muddled' is how it should feel, like you have to sort it out to fully understand. Makes you think.

This is really good!! The first reply did a good job over everything, so I don't have much to say, but I'm thinking you'll want to capatalize 'said' in the 20th line, even though it's in the middle of the sentence. I don't know why, but it probably looks better if everything is uniform. But that part of the poem is fantastic. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!

AdamBH wrote:Another day has come
Has gone. #BF4080 ">I'm not sure about how you're punctuating this. If you keep the first lines as a punctuated sentence I would add a comma after 'come', otherwise the lines are conveyed as a continuous thought which doesn't work. As far as I know capitalization is mostly preferential, however, I think it might look better if not every line was capitalized since you are fully punctuating things, it seems. It's almost redundant. I would only capitalize the beginnings of sentences, especially because it will make things appear smoother and much more well integrated. All of the full stops and capitals are jarring, y'know? I won't mention it further, so just keep it in mind.
Has past #BF4080 ">*passed - past is purely temporal
Like a miscarriage.

I end before I even have begun.
I'm like a failed sperm,
Still whizzing #BF4080 ">This imagery is very...odd. XD Sperm isn't usually the object of poetic beauty or sadness. I can't really pin it as bad, though. It's just peculiar.
Like a spinning top#BF4080 ">Still not sure about the punctuation. If you want to be consistent, add a stop here.
Slowing down -
Time lost in the deceleration.
Life lost - for life is Waiting.

Each minute is a circle
On the clock hung on the wall saying #BF4080 ">This has quite a few more syllables than the other lines, which adds contract, but the flow isn't quite right. Reading it outloud I noticed a natural pause before 'saying'. Maybe move it to the next line?
"Adam. You are getting old. 16 soon, big boy!" #BF4080 ">*Sixteen. You should always write out numbers when they begin a sentence.
Nothing is happening
Except in my head.
I hate it,
But I don't know what else the clock
Could have
said. #BF4080 ">I really like these lines!

My mileage is getting too high
For my stock. #BF4080 ">This kills the flow. And it doesn't seem to contribute anything.
I need some fuel,
Or even with hope,
I will drop dead
On the floor. #BF4080 ">The last line of this stanza is very awkward to read. Cut it, or if you want to elaborate, I would add some movement to really reinforce the suddenness. For example- 'As I rise from my bed' or something.

And at my funeral, they will say...
"Adam. He was so young.
Still only a child #BF4080 ">I like the rhythm in this stanza so far.
With no meaning in his life. #BF4080 ">Sort of a trite thing to say, as it doesn't offer anything really compelling. I would recommend using this dialogue a chance to give unique insight. How can you make this more profound and affecting?
What could possibly have been wrong?" #BF4080 ">Same thing, though I guess it does illustrate commonplace thinking, it could be much stronger.
And on my gravestone I will request it to say
"Adam. 192 months of zombiness old. #BF4080 ">Zombiness? XD I like the word, but it doesn't make sense as modifier of 'old'.
Deceased.
Fell twelve stories out of the ground
Due to a lack of gravity." #BF4080 ">I love these three lines.
Or maybe burned to death:
A fatal accident
Where nothing safe was available
To ignite him.

But first, maybe I'll knock up some girl.
So that someone else can have a chance
To use what I had.
And I can live vicariously through this child from heaven,
Like I lived vicariously through my future self. #BF4080 ">Very good conceptually, but a little plain. You can definitely enhance this stanza to make it more poignant.

But maybe I will light a fire in her soul as well,
And she will love me;
And that will make everything go wrong.
Oh how I wish that would be.
Destroy
This false life of mine until,
Until,
It's gone!
And replaced with the sunrise. #BF4080 ">This is a great stanza, although it gets tedious to read starting at the fourth line.

And mother, because that could happen.
I won't leave you to rot like I rotted.
And only because I know what lonely old age is like,
I don't think you deserve it. #BF4080 ">These lines confused me. I'm not how it fits into the rest. I'm just....
Eh?
So, for now, I'll stay. But don't be upset when I fly away
From this failed pregnancy. #BF4080 ">These lines are clearer, and I love your comparison of life to gestation, which sometimes terminates naturally or otherwise

That's right. I'll finally spread my wings,
A virgin - #BF4080 ">Still confused a bit. You changed your mind about knocking up a girl? Why?

I just hope. #BF4080 ">for..? I'm not sure what the end result of this poem is. Do you hope to die? Be free? Or not be vindictive towards your mother?