Social Networking sites

Cutt me off from the world,
Change my personality.
Hurt me, infest my personal life,
go, take my secrets and share them.
Spread your gossip.
I hate you so much.
But your an addiction.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:33 am

Hey defendthelegend!

So, obviously you really don't like social networking sites! This is fine. But reading your poem, we really don't get a clear idea as to why you don't like social networking sites. You just say a bunch of statements (with a kind of "They're evil!" bias) and put line breaks in it. Done! There you have something that looks like a poem!

But it's not a poem, not really, and that's where your problem is. The overall question, why, has not been answered. Sure, you've given a couple of generic statements. But that can apply to a lot of things, not necessarily connected to social networking. So! Make this unique. Give specific examples. In fact, be specific whenever. It'll ve much better, honest!

User avatar
Sura
Review
Sura wrote a review · Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:13 am

defendthelegend wrote:Cut#FF0040 ">t me off from the world,(Cut only has one 't'.)
Change my personality.
Hurt me, infest my personal life,
go, take my secrets and share them. (Lines 3 and 4 both have a strange rhythm compared the rest)
Spread your gossip.
I hate you so much. (Blah! Boring and trite. Show your hatred! How do you hate? Do you spit, do you cry, do you break things? Add some voice and personality.)
But your an addiction. (I would change 'an' to 'my' because this is personal. Also, it's "you're".)

This certainly has a lot of potential, but you're missing some pieces.
Nothing about this is compelling or really gives you a sense of the horror one can feel in this cyber-universe where the anonymity changes the social guidelines and morals.
This poem needs texture. I know it's an odd word to use, but if you add statements that show instead of tell, you will give a whole new life to this piece.
How does it hurt? How does it infest your personal life?
Give this life! You're life!
Poetry shouldn't be passive, it should be more tasty than normal speech.

User avatar
LookUpThere
Comment

you're*

Hey! Well done! This was good but a bit short. You could extend this my friend. Pour out your feelings while hinting at the social networking site and then finish it off, go ahead and mention a name, you can't get sued.



Despite everything, it's still you.
— TobyFox