Rydia

Hmm. This is confusing seenas I'm not aquainted with 'MS Unity' but even a fan-fiction should be able to stand alone. You need to explain things better and in more ...

Hmmm. You have lots of dialogue here which is okay but add some more description of setting and characters so the reader can visualise your story. Also, you need to ...

You worry too much, my friend. I didn't fin the chapter particularly confusing and the soldiers were portrayed very well. I did find a few typos and I think I'd ...

Hmmm. I think you need to fix the tense changes and the punctuation could be improved but you have a reasonable base here. First, decide if you want to write ...

I'm with claudette on this one. It feels much more like lyrics and as such it isn't bad but as a poem it needs an awful lot more punctuation, the ...

I liked this but the punctuation and wording need some work and there's always room to improve where imagery is concerned. Here's a quick line by line - My nameless ...

You call this soppy? Lol. Don't worry, the romance is just fine and I think it's developing at a good, steady pace. I mean, you're on chapter twenty and they're ...

This chapter reverts to the reporting style a bit which is too distant for this sort of story so consider revising that. Also, you should have probably spent more time ...

Again, some pretty good descriptions, great action and an accurate representation of a military camp from what I know about them. I think the characterization still needs improving and that ...

Ah, now this part is much better. You have some good action, some great description and you're showing the events rather than reporting them. I like the description of her ...

I have to agree that it sounded too much like a report. Instead of relating all this information, why not show it? Take us through the girl's first day in ...

I second this. I grew up with Redwall and Jaques was my favourite author for a long time. Something like from the age of eight to the age of thirteen, ...

This was a nice prologue. Easy to understand, flows well and sets the scene well. A little more description never hurts but that can wait until later chapters and your ...

A good chapter, my friend but a few typos the others missed and you should replace some of the 'Knall's with 'the shade' and such. Sweat rolled off of Knall’s ...

Hmmm. I liked this but I think you need more description and your persona is too accepting of everything. He's clearly unfamiliar with htis strange place, its customs and the ...